i told myself i wouldnt write this entry. or maybe that i would write it and never publish it to the web. but its time. there is a line of tact and poise and intimacy of subject that i probably shouldnt cross here so i dont offend anyone.

fuck that.

i think i wrote recently about the person you are versus the person you want to be. for about the past year or so i have become this person who is quite foreign to me. my whole self as a person has changed, some for the better but some for the worse.

now a year later, i dont want to allow myself to get trapped within that person. i want to break out and find a happy medium that combines the girl i used to be which is the girl i know i am deep down inside and the better positive parts of the girl ive allowed myself to become.

so im working on that.

but i am quickly realizing that i have no idea how to conduct myself anymore.

and this aspect of my problem is something im not going to blame on myself.

you did this to me.

i was fine and then you came along and you did this to me.

you opened my eyes and made me realize a lot of important good things.

but you did this to me.

you took the line my standards and of what is normal and acceptable and you ripped it down and smashed it down into the most filthy parts of the lowest ground.

you did this to me.

and i realize more and more everyday that i dont remember what its like to live in a normal world because ive been caught up in this land of secrets and lies and jealousy and deception and persuasion, and i dont remember what its like to function in the real world anymore.

and you did that to me.

im not discounting the positive meaning you have had and do have in my life, but i dont think i realized until now how much of an impact this liaison has had on me as a person.

and you did this to me.

and you know what? thats fine that you did this to me because i let you do this to me. but where does that leave me now? im alone and uncertain and i dont know how to get out of this way of life.

and im so so sorry, but you did this to me.


im sorry that youll hate me because i wrote this. im just realizing what ive done to myself. what ive allowed be done to me. and i hope that you can understand im just trying to be a better person. to get what i know i deserve. deep down i am classy. i am beautiful. i am a decent person. i deserve something good.

but how can i have the good, when i cant treat myself like im worth a dime?