under pressure.

this weekend:
-uga
-transmet
-inappropriate dinner convo
-orange juice and cranberry
-scrounging around for vending machine change
-the car ride with cole
-firehouse and sketchy onlookers
-blueberry bomb
-the britneys
-late night chats
-"im glad he didnt try to *** ** *** or i would have ****** on *** ****."
-changing and brushing teeth in car
-ten minutes in millegville
-85 north (85 doesnt go north guys)
-tennis
-70 degree weather in mid january
-i love new york/mr boston
-qt and the drunk uga kids
-slushies
-teens making out on the car with the baby inside
-under pressure
-the blanket
-the confused foreign people at the toll booth

two and a half tanks of gas and 984 miles later i find myself back in room 305 sitting in my desk chair like none of these things ever happened.

i dont know what when on in my dorm room this weekend. theres some suspicious looking paraphenalia that i can only make up stories about its purpose right now. despite whatever craziness may have happened i dont mind that i missed the madness and the scandal because im really glad i went to georgia this weekend, both uga and roswell. i feel like now im finally ready to start off the semester and really get things going but at the same time, i may be more confused now than i ever was before. i thought i might utilize the 3.5 hour drive to figure my thoughts out, but no such luck because even if i had figured them out, as soon as i got back here to ut they became all jumbled up again.

what if there are just certain people in your life you just have to be around? they just mean so much to you and play such a crucial role in your life that you must be around them? and what if you have people like that and you cant be around them? what if you made a mistake? you took the wrong path? what if you choose the wrong person? what if you end up somewhere you dont want to be?

fuck.

the thing i keep thinking about is my friends up here in tennessee. they go home for breaks and end up getting bored or generally dissatisfied and cant wait to get back up here. going home is almost a chore for them and theyve generally lost touch with all high school friends who arent at ut.

me, i go home and let the fun begin. i feel like my home life is much more exciting than my college life. all the fun all the scandal all the love all the good times with friends happen when im home it seems.

this could be because i need to get out there more up here at ut. it could be because im not working hard enough to make friends here. but what if that isnt it? what if this just isnt my cup of tea? what if i need the people i need to be around me to be around me? college is the time of your life im not having right now. much of the randomness, the silliness, the comfort, the love, just the day to day feeling of knowing someone is there is just completely gone from me right now.

im so scared of doing the wrong things. making the wrong decisions. but i dont know whats right and whats wrong anymore. something that seems perfect one minute becomes shameful the next. a path that seems like the right one becomes a bottomless pit.

i thought i could get it together this semester, but it appears its just the SOS. hurting myself and making others hate me and turn against me in the process. over and over and over again.

if its any indication how confused and unsure i am, just read this post over again and look at the change in tone and mood as it progresses onward.

i dont really know what do anymore.