once upon a time i did not care what i did. and once upon a time my actions didnt bother me as much as they should. i decided to forget the past and move forward. but now i find myself for a multitude of reasons dwelling upon them once again. and i hate the feeling i have inside right now and i hate that i have this feeling. there's nothing i can do to change things now, but it doesn't make it bite less.
youll never be younger than today
tomorrows yesterday
its never too late.
"The man who said
'I'd rather be lucky than good'
saw deeply into life.
People are often afraid to realize
how much of an impact luck plays.
There are moments in a tennis match
where the ball hits the top of the net,
and for a split second,
remains in mid-air.
With a litte luck,
the ball goes over,
and you win.
Or maybe it doesn't,
and you lose... "
with every action you take a chance. a chance of success or failure. you put yourself out there to be accepted or rejected. you do things that can change your life for the better or for the worse. detrimental things. amazing things. sometimes it goes beyond luck and becomes completely a matter of your own responsibility. you own yourself and everything you do. you make your bed and you lie in it. you check yourself into the hospital. you get the tests done. you worry about lies you make up in your head. you argue over things that never happened. you convince yourself someone feels a way they dont. you get scared. you psyche yourself out. all because with every action you take a chance. sometimes you fuck it up. hell most of the time i do fuck it up. but redemption is only as far as you let it be.
it takes someone giving you a chance before you can ever truly begin to turn it around.
bittersweetness abounds my life right now. i'm so happy with the direction things are going. i have this amazing new person to share things with, but at the same time i'm so unhappy with the way things are up here in the tennessee hills. it takes a weekend such as this one to bring it all back again. an empty dorm room. another daunting color theory assignment. a freezer full of lean cuisines. its only natural for this combination of things to make a girl want to scream.
face it ladies and gents, i am officially itching.
well maybe not greg-style itching, but maybe just a little bit, i am a redhead after all.
but i'm itching to get out of here. this year is most likely already shot to hell as far as making new friends and such is concerned, and i'm already so excited about what the summer is sure to bring i just can't wait to get out of here.
i just keep finding myself between two extreme groups of people: the extremely bad and the extremely good. i do not want to go to clubs. i do not want to go to frat houses. its just not my thing, never has been. and i think i can live the rest of my life totally fine without changing that. then there's the extremely good: they don't do any of those clubbing or party things, but they are often very immature. if watching disney movies and laughing at corny awkward jokes is your thing, then this group is perfect for you, but it doesn't seem to be the case for me.
where did all the normal people go?
i said i'd go to school here and get my kicks in the ATL and it seems now more than ever before that is what i'm doing. and i can deal with that.
but on a weekend like this, man is it hard.
one week from this wednesday i will make the fantastic journey down 75. back into his arms. and back to him and all the others who actually get me.
let the countdown begin.
It's been almost a week since i've written once again. for once things have been happening in my life. sure, i still spend more than my share of time sitting in this desk chair on facebook, but i've also been out doing things, and that is an exciting thing. i've been experiencing some things, some emotions, that i never really believed could exist for me. i've been making dreams come true, for myself and others. but i suppose the greatest reason why i havent written is that for once i was a little scared to write about everything that was going on in my heart, my mind, my body, my life on this. i've never really been scared to put anything else up here before, but this almost feels like an invasion of privacy to me. but it is what it is and what it is is two people taking a chance at something both have recognized for years. passing this up would be foolish of me. it's about damn time.
ive run the gammut of emotion lately, but i suppose my two grandest emotions are happiness and fear. i have the butterflies. this is new. the butterflies haven't been around in a very very long time. the happiness part, this is how it should be. there's also an enormous sense of fear. fear that i will fuck probably one of the few things that actually means something to me in the grandest scheme of things up. i'm pretty good at doing that and i'm all too afraid i'll use my expertise in that area once again.
but it is too late for all of that now. i jumped off the bridge. i took my chance. and i hope that we both can be reeping the rewards of that chance for a long long time.
sidenote: sharing a bed > sleeping alone (to an infinite degree)
I’ve been thinking, take me now, I’m in too far
Can’t stop feeling, doesn’t matter who you are
This could be my last goodbye
You could stay, I’ll be alright
I’ve been thinking, take me now, I’m in too far
If I might say, all of this seems to float away from...
Your lips when they’re kissing me, and your hips when leaving me for
The last time, I’m thinking of the first time, ohh
The first time, I’m thinking of the last time
Play it back, it’s going over and over
I left the Well today to return back to my cage of educational wellness up in the Knox. im sure you all have missed me very very much, but im now back with tons of pictures. the past week and half has been nothing short of amazing, all i could have hoped for and then some. between seeing my family and sleeping in my own bed and meeting back up with friends, some i havent seen in months, and going to charleston with two of my main ladies and growing closer to someone who is very important to me it was just more than i could have asked for. for me the home life is where its at right now. ut is great for learning and my daily life is decent, but i dont enjoy myself here like i do when at home when im surrounded by all those wonderful people. needless to say i was sad to go, and i hate feeling like as soon as im back up here im just counting the days till i can go back again, but its kinda how i feel at this point. i think its time i stopped apologizing for it and feeling bad about it and just accepted it as how my life is.
and at the end of the day life is wonderful.
what did i do over spring break? lemme give you a quick rundown:
-ate thai food for the first real time
-got drunk off one glass of wine
-got me some new spectacles
-met the fam
-hung out with brian mccarn in his natural habitat
-chilled at haigwood studios, as always
-had to explain myself to anthony
-got stuck in the botanical gardens after being stared at there for like two hours
-spent 115 dollars on a pair of jeans
-helped a bird eat a meal
-photographed the botanical gardens with jbomb
-rode the tech trolley!
-raqualette! (nothing more to say there)
-ate at fancy restaurants
-wished i lived at del webb active living for active adults
-went to cookie time
-toured columbia, south carolina
-saw heathers beautiful prom dress
-got lost on the way to showcase (but for once we found our way haha)
-lost boggle to amanda
-mailed in my first set of taxes
-dance partied in the hotel room
-got stared down by the men of charleston
-got some action
so with all these memories and a steady diet of train, acceptance, tahiti 80 and keane i trudged my way back up 75. this last stretch should go by quickly, but that wont mean that it will be easy. its going to be at least two more weeks before i get to return to the well and after that three weeks. then one more week and im home free. but it will be a stressful journey. not to mention that with the new strings i have attached to home, away is probably the last place ill want to be. but if i can get through this i know it will make the latter days even better and more meaningful. its going to be worth it.
for now i will float on a cloud through the pile of shit i have to do until midweek when i get my lighter classes and a delicious surprise.
but i went to bed at five this morning and ive got a sketchbook due at 1230 tomorrow. so i should get on that. toodles!
calm down kids the name of this entry is also the title of a song. hah.
i am home and have been since wednesday evening which is why i haven't written because for once in my life i have something more important to do than be on facebook and the world wide web all the time. i can't say i've done too many remarkable things in the time i've been home, but i have enjoyed every second of it. from chilling with my mom in my bed half the day, to running in coldstone with the weird manager boy right before they closed, to chattin it up with heather today, to just driving around my home town and knowing where everything is, and let's not even think about skipping over the amazing afternoon/evening i had yesterday.
and hopefully it only gets better from here on out. im leaving tomorrow for charleston for a few days with two of my best friends. im sure we'll spend the bulk of the time eating things no proper diet would allow for, listening to rediculous music, getting crazy in the hotel room, walking the streets, shopping, and of course discussing male anatomy in ways no one ever has or should (in public places nontheless). then after that i'll return to the well to spend more time with my family which i have found i love so much and to see friends including but not limited to the loverly amanda henleben! i promise i will have no desire to go back to ut haha.
so as for yesterday, what is there to say. simply put, happiness. certainly a great deal of worry and nervousness, anxiousness. theres also always a sense of fear about these kinds of things, that maybe what youre gaining is not equivalent to or greater than what you're risking losing, but somewhere along the line you have to go with your gut and ultimately i just had a wonderful time. i can't say ive ever felt this way before and knowing that theres a chance i might not be dreaming or making something up in my head, that there's a chance it might be real is crazy to me. when you live with the thought of something, the dream of having something, the aspiration of something happening to you, when it actually does it is completely unreal.i feel like i dont deserve so much, i dont deserve this goodness to happen to me. but someone out there must think i do, and im thankful about that. this is something i've been dreaming about for a long time.
so i suppose this is toodles from roswell. haven't totally decided whether or not the old macintosh is gonna come with me for the trip but i'm thinkin i'm not so sure i trust hotel rooms so that's gonna be a no. i'm sure no one will miss me as ya'll are all out frolicking in the sand and getting extremely wasted. or sitting around at home. or going to class. one of the three.
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
an artists life is not an easy one. especially when the artist constantly questions whehter or not she is good enough to consider herself so. its a constant battle within, always questioning yourself and your abilities and trying to prove yourself to yourself. art is so subjective. its not like law where you pass this huge test and in doing so prove that you have what it takes to be a lawyer. theres no such test in art. all youve got is yourself and the little pieces of opinions you allow to trickle down into your mind. thats all you have to validate yourself.
ive been bored with myself and frustrated for probably the last nine months. i havent been excited about anything ive done. i read books i left town i watched movies i tried to gain that perspective that inspiration i needed to move forward. ive felt numb and dissappointed in myself and i feel there will be a turning point, but im just waiting and i dont know when it will be. i keep thinking "this is it, this is my break" and then it falls right through the cracks just like everything else. im so bored with myself and my ideas and my style. this isnt about one missed job opportunity, one bad show, one negative critique. this is about me being unhappy with myself and unable to remedy it. this is about me questioning whether im an artist or just a creative person. this is about me wondering if i just take good photographs or if theres something different about me. something that sets me apart from all the rest. something that makes me remarkable.
i think its time to get away from the knox. time to forget about being an artist or a student or whatever i am today and just relax a bit. take in all i can before the reality of the rest of the semester and my semicharmed life here sets in. spring break here i come, im so glad youve arrived i need you.
hopefully interesting events to follow.
ill keep you informed.
this weekend was good. much more eventful than most weekends here at the lovely university of tennessee. first friday in downtown knox. tomato heads. the flea market with all the Jesus nascar goodness. vintage shopping in the old city. running around the park in the wind. the fraternity boxing challenge. getting pushed over by drunk greeks. yelling over the band at the downtown brewery. being really cold. wondering if helen was alive. it was all good. im really glad i have friends who are willing to make the long trip up. it was nice to have a true break rather than just a typical weekend here in the tennessee hills.
i suppose my least favorite aspect of having people visit me is the in-your-face realization that i am not leading the most successful life ever here. when people from your past come around again, you want to show them how much you love your new life and how successful you are and how many friends you have, but i cant do that. i have a few people here i can really count on and call up whenever and hang out with all the time and the rest are just acquaintances. its not something i ever forget about, my inability to make tons of cool new awesome friends here and have crazy times here. believe me, its something ive struggled with for the past six months. i beat myself up on a daily basis about how i wish things were different, but i dont have it in me anymore. i cant beat myself up over it anymore and i dont need someone telling me how i should be doing things differently. i can promise you there are only a few of my friends who are truly in my situation, actually i can only name one.
so i dont appreciate being told how i need to try and i need to fix it and i need to do better. i know. i know i know i know i know i know. but you, YOU do not understand. and you cant understand unless you were put in my place. i know if you read through this thing it looks like im caving on an almost daily basis, but all things considered, ive been strong.
i apologize for the rant, its kind of unwarranted and borderline inappropriate, but i just dont want to hear anymore about how successful everyone else is and how im the only girl in the world who cant seem to get this thing right. there is no right. theres no one correct answer. its different for everyone.
so ill eat my food in my room because im not going to eat quiche that looks like leaky scrambled eggs and spinach soup that is stringy and reminiscent of bile.
im sorry. this has been mean and unexpected. but it upsets me when i have this thrown in my face when i already throw it in my own face. i dont need the sound of the siren in my head to be amplified any more than it already is. i know.
but i suppose if i have to live from class to class and thrive off of my weekly greys anatomy group and the occasional dinner with friends and live for the weekends that never really come until those days when i jump in my car and leave this state homeward bound, then that is what i will do. because that is what people do. they deal. this is what you have done in your life and it is what i will do in mine. the results have been and will be different and will surmise and different times.
but who the hell cares?
haha so so true. i believe i am the awkward turtle.
so this is the time of year when i get completely disinterested in school and start doing things like spending an hour staring at my computer screen without navigating to a new page, shopping for things i dont need, spending hours taking retarded online quizzes and of course eating cookies. so heres my quiz results today, the sleeping position quiz:
Find your own pose!