maybe we should start touching each other.

this weekend was good. much more eventful than most weekends here at the lovely university of tennessee. first friday in downtown knox. tomato heads. the flea market with all the Jesus nascar goodness. vintage shopping in the old city. running around the park in the wind. the fraternity boxing challenge. getting pushed over by drunk greeks. yelling over the band at the downtown brewery. being really cold. wondering if helen was alive. it was all good. im really glad i have friends who are willing to make the long trip up. it was nice to have a true break rather than just a typical weekend here in the tennessee hills.

i suppose my least favorite aspect of having people visit me is the in-your-face realization that i am not leading the most successful life ever here. when people from your past come around again, you want to show them how much you love your new life and how successful you are and how many friends you have, but i cant do that. i have a few people here i can really count on and call up whenever and hang out with all the time and the rest are just acquaintances. its not something i ever forget about, my inability to make tons of cool new awesome friends here and have crazy times here. believe me, its something ive struggled with for the past six months. i beat myself up on a daily basis about how i wish things were different, but i dont have it in me anymore. i cant beat myself up over it anymore and i dont need someone telling me how i should be doing things differently. i can promise you there are only a few of my friends who are truly in my situation, actually i can only name one.

so i dont appreciate being told how i need to try and i need to fix it and i need to do better. i know. i know i know i know i know i know. but you, YOU do not understand. and you cant understand unless you were put in my place. i know if you read through this thing it looks like im caving on an almost daily basis, but all things considered, ive been strong.

i apologize for the rant, its kind of unwarranted and borderline inappropriate, but i just dont want to hear anymore about how successful everyone else is and how im the only girl in the world who cant seem to get this thing right. there is no right. theres no one correct answer. its different for everyone.

so ill eat my food in my room because im not going to eat quiche that looks like leaky scrambled eggs and spinach soup that is stringy and reminiscent of bile.

im sorry. this has been mean and unexpected. but it upsets me when i have this thrown in my face when i already throw it in my own face. i dont need the sound of the siren in my head to be amplified any more than it already is. i know.

but i suppose if i have to live from class to class and thrive off of my weekly greys anatomy group and the occasional dinner with friends and live for the weekends that never really come until those days when i jump in my car and leave this state homeward bound, then that is what i will do. because that is what people do. they deal. this is what you have done in your life and it is what i will do in mine. the results have been and will be different and will surmise and different times.


but who the hell cares?