its not easy.

its so easy
to find yourself right back in that place.
its so easy
to feel its just like it was.
its so easy
to love what you love to love.
its so easy to feel comfortable again.
its so easy
to go home.

but whats not easy
is coming back
to an apartment full of wonderful things.
every amenity under the sun
and know
that in a city of 173,890 people
not a single one
loves you.
its not easy.


my head aches from crying and its too tough to tell anymore if im just feeling sorry for myself or being too emotional or if my emotions are justified. i had an amazing weekend with my family and jordan. i was reunited with the wonderful feeling of coming home. but i have to wonder if the awesomeness of this weekend is outweighed by the hard crashing down i feel now. being home makes me feel great, but it just reminds me of everything i dont have the rest of the time. i feel myself breaking and i dont know what happens after this.

i try to breathe but its just interrupted by gasps of air. failed attempts to regain my composure over and over again.

why cant i just get a grip?

everyone else has.

its not like i moved to another country. its fucking tennessee. i dont understand why this seems so hard to handle.

im here to do what i came to do. become a better artist. but each and every day here makes me doubt if i can even do that.

if even that goes away then im not sure of what i have here anymore.

i need to delete this and pretend it never happened. i need to chill the fuck out because everythings going to be fine.