prophecy.

Look into the sun and see
your soul is dying.

Used to feel the faith,
but now you¹re tired of trying.

Should have left alone
what you have stolen from everyone.

How you feeling?

You seem a little sick to me now.



today i have settled into a bland paradise of sad. after feeling emotional distress im just tired. i mean theres not really anything i can do about things. i just have to feel this way or get over it or something. i dont really know the right answers at this time and im not sure what to do. looking into the future is what has made me feel as bad as i do, so maybe i should stop doing that. i just wish i could snap out of it, but i suppose i went long enough kidding myself, trying to make myself believe that my situation is ok. my situation is not ok because try as i may to make it sound good on paper i dont really have friends and my classes are hard and i dont have a life outside of school here.this is fine most of the time. most of the time i can pretend things are different or just not think about it at all and things are fine, but the second i have a moment to stop and think about things i remember how it isnt like that at all. and then it just hurts because i see no way out and no solution. i feel bad about whining and crying everyday to this blog but seeing as to how this is all i think about its kind of all i have to write about. i dont have any fun stories about things that have happened to me, fun memories with friends, i dont have those things anymore, and maybe im wrong but i just feel like i deserve to be able to have those things.

i think im just being overdramatic. like maybe none of these things actually exist and that maybe if i would just open my eyes a bit wider and stop loathing all the time id be fine.

so for now ill go to class and go to kroger and glance over the tabloids and come home to ebeths yammering about some kind of campus injustice and come up to my room and light my candle and do my homework and water my cactus and go to bed and do it again.

i can be numb if i need to but when this happens again, and i remember everything i dont have once again i will hit the ground just as hard and it will hurt just as bad. like the bird that keeps smacking itself into the window im not sure where it ends.