"feel the fear and do it anyway"...and other cliche self help phrasology.

what a lovely memorial day weekend. i had assumed i would spend the bulk of it working and eating popcorn in my house by myself as i do on most weekends as of late, but instead i ditched work on a whim and headed east with a stranger to meet other strangers.

i need more of that in my life.

jordan burned me a cd and gave it to me and theres good stuff on it but based on some of the lyrics to the songs i cant help but feel like the songs were strategically chosen for me. trying to say something to me. maybe even taking a jab or two at me. i try to remember that jordan never pays attention to song lyrics anyway, and even if he did maybe hes right. take for instance this song by the scene aesthetic:

Please don't run from your problems
You can't keep running, there's no place to go

As you escape from your life
This house becomes hollow
And all we can do is just wait
Sit here and wait for this train to arrive
I've got my bags packed and I've said my goodbyes
Constantly giving into these moments
That just bring me down
Just bring me close enough to stay around, to stay around

Keeping to yourself is no way to live your life
You can't fight what's coming
And all that you can do is sit back and realize, we'll be there
Cause you keep waiting for someone to save you
Embrace you and take you away, far away
Take you so far from this place

im aware that i have a lot to work on and a lot to work out. believe me, im the one that feels it everyday. sometimes i look at myself and i do feel like im running from something. like consistent change will make things better, but im coming to terms with that not always being the case. but at the same time i feel like im not the only one who feels this way. its almost like at 19 or 20 we're all going through this almost second puberty, if you will. just like in the seventh grade when i was making futile attempts for hours in the bathroom to figure out how to deal with this damn curly hair ive been blessed with, we're all trying to figure out who we are and what direction we're headed and how we want our life to be and how we can avoid being too much like our parents. and really, is it even possible to find those things while standing still?

you tell me. i suppose its different for everyone. to each his own.

you call it running? i call it exploring.

im just tired of examining it and questioning everything and asking myself why im doing things and justifying everything to myself and to others. maybe im am running. but maybe running isnt always such a bad thing. i spent this weekend in a place i love listening to beach music, laying in the sun and conversing with people i can choose to never see again if i so desire. not once did i think about drama at work, about my schedule once i get back, about the balance on my bank account, about school, about the future past tuesday morning. maybe thats something i physically couldnt do here. everybody has their own way of coping. i like to fenangle in all arenas. sometimes it involves ice cream and sometimes it involves shopping and once in a blue moon it may involve some wine, and i guess sometimes it involves getting away.

playing dead.

i am a complete mess that alternates back and forth on a daily basis. why cant i just relax, let go, forget about it. why cant i just be what i want to be? why cant i just make up my mind? why cant i be proactive instead of sitting online all day?

the last year has had a sense of failure about it. and now i cant seem to pick myself back up after the fall. i needed the sense of escape the sense of starting over, but i dont have that anymore. it all just makes me wish i could just pick up and move somewhere. im tired of being here. im tired of thinking about all these things. im tired of dealing with the same problems and having the same arguments and thinking the same thoughts. this is all killing me from inside. no matter what i do im always hurting others or myself. i feel empty and meaningless. i have nothing to offer anymore. this is not normal, this is not fun. i just want everything to be better. i dont think ive ever felt as frustrated with myself as i do right now. i cant decide whether to stay or run. i guess thats what im doing now, playing dead.

the things you didnt know because who has time to say all this stuff.

i have always wanted to live on the beach.

one of the most important things to me is feeling like i have control over myself and an ability to choose my actions.

i want a dog really really bad.

i have a habit of finding a song i like and becoming infatuated with it to the point that i play it repeatedly in the car. i dont do this when others are around because im aware that it is extremely annoying.

while i would describe myself as an open book, i would say that in some aspects i am a very private person. sometimes i keep things to myself just for the sake of knowing that i have something that just belongs to me, even if it isnt that important or interesting.

i have an tendency to reward myself with things like food or shopping even when i really didnt do anything.

for someone my age i am abnormally driven and obsessed with the idea of pursuing what i love to do. i understand that most dont understand this and that is ok, just humor me.

i wish i were more artistic, and yes there is a difference between artistic and creative.

though ive always been mature for my age, ive reached a point where im fighting it to a certain extent. im not in a rush to do anything anymore, i think im finally realizing im young. 20 is waaay too young to do anything too permanent.

despite how it may appear when you see me at the dinner table, i do obsess about my weight.

i wish i was closer to God again.

im a very weak person.

i have problems showing my true feelings and probably put them aside too often. it makes me appear like i dont care when i really do. i become emotionally detached very easily, this has gotten me into trouble in the past.

one of my greatest goals in life has been to lead a life that is not only fulfilling, but also interesting. sometimes i do things simply because it sounds like it would make an interesting story.

sometimes i feel like the way i dress is just a facade as if through my appearance im trying to prove to others im creative.

i sometimes wish i had more spontaneity in my life.

i sometimes think im heartless.

one of the most important things to me in any kind of relationship is that the other person pushes you to be a better person. without this there is no point.

i am very selfish with my time even when i dont spend it wisely...like right now.

i dont understand why people always tell me i look like someone else, when its obvious the only similarity we share is our hair color (ie: "You look just like Lucille Ball!"...i dont look like Lucille Ball you prick we're just both redheads and you cant think of anything better to say right now) Also, i dont really understand why people tell me i look like Anne of Green Gables when that is a fictional character rendered by various illustrators on novel covers, not a real person.

i have spent and will continue to spend the rest of my life trying not to become like my grandmother, an agoraphobe who has allowed worry to take over her life. it is probably one of my greatest concerns (see: one of the most important things to me in any kinda of relationship...)

i would love to get a tattoo, but my own conscience has prevented it thus far.

im horrible at burning bridges because most of the time despite it all, i dont want to.

i wish i was a good dancer, like a GOOD dancer.

some people in similar situations complain, but i love my small boobs and pale skin.

i sometimes feel under-appreciated in my efforts by my friends, and i hate that i feel that way because it is selfish.

i come from a line of thought that you should never be satisfied with yourself and you should NEVER LET YOURSELF GET TOO COMFORTABLE.

i wish i werent so boring.

as much as i love the internet and my computer, sometimes i wish i could throw them out the window and read a damn book.

i think too much, it makes it really hard to explain to others what im thinking because i often dont even understand it.

i worry that no matter how hard i try, i will never have a relationship as successful as that of my own parents.

i feel the ticking time clock of 2012 on a daily basis and i wish i had never heard about it.

when things are too easy, i get bored and stop caring.

it bothers me when people complain and then just accept the circumstances as they are when they are certainly changeable.

i would probably feel cooler if i were more cultured. people would also probably think i was a douche bag, since thats usually how cultured people are.

i dont believe in feminism, i prefer my own philosophy. im still trying to figure it out.

i have a tendency to put stress and pressure upon myself that doesnt belong to me.

as nice as it might be, im not so sure id want to win the lottery.

im not a rebel, but i hate being bound by rules, must be an only child thing.

i get mad for no reason, i must be so fucking difficult to be around.

i need to be around people who are more opposite than they are like me, i think it would be good for me.

i think my friends think i try to play psychologist with them. i dont mean to, it must be really annoying.

i think john mayer is hot. there are other people i think are hot too. it doesnt mean im going to try to find them and fuck them. dont worry.

im not very good at sharing---> only child

i hope one day im as smart as my mother, unfortunately the future is not looking so sunny.

try as anyone may, you cannot tame a redhead.

ill talk when im ready. youll know.

i dont think ive ever experienced true tragedy, so im waiting for it any day now. in the meantime i cant really make myself not worry about its incumbent arrival.

i sometimes wonder if im even capable of putting aside my selfishness and loving another person.

i spend time with my girlfriends, not necessarily because they are more fun than others, but because they help make me feel sane.

i wish the rapport and elegance of the 1950s and previous still existed. in a society where we think so much about what others think of us, youd think we'd have a little more tact.

i have eaten several family size rolls of cookie dough, yes i was sad at the time.

if its not already obvious, i am my own worst enemy.

if someone doesnt understand my goals and how important those goals are to me, they will never understand me.

i wish i had gone to church today, it couldve changed my life but i wont know now.

i spend too much time thinking and not enough time doing (ie: instead of writing this i could be out achieving goals on my day off of work)

i am willing to compromise in a relationship with another person, but i refuse to change who i am.

i once wanted to live in new york city. then i realized theres no way im strong enough for that.

i hate to sound melodramatic, but the past year has been probably the hardest so far. i spent a great deal of time not being myself, being some other person. i sometimes catch myself wondering now if i really am myself.

i would give a lot to be on the beach right now.

i dont understand why black men have always been attracted to me. im not attracted to them.

ive spent a large percentage of the money ive made this past year on photography equipment and i often wonder if its worth it.

it really bothers me when i am in a new place and dont know where the roads go. when i get bored i get lost on purpose. this is why i knew knoxville better than some of the people who had lived there their whole lives.

i wish i could walk up to anyone and start a conversation, but i cant and its getting worse.

moving out, moving on.

ok ive got about 7 more hours in my career at kennesaw. then maybe i can start thinking about having some sense of normalcy back in my life. cant wait. im really tired, like not just sleepy tired, but that achy bodily kind of tired. that mental kind of tired. i cant ever shut my mind off these days. all i wanted from this summer was to have fun, but im all too afraid that i will instead spend it questioning things, changing my mind, worrying if im doing the right things and standing on tippy toes trying not to hurt feelings when i have no idea what to do whatsoever. i wish someone else would just fix everything to how it should be for me. i wish i could just go to sleep and wake up and everything would be better.

i just cant ever do anything right. im not good at these things. and it all just adds to the stress building inside of me. but i literally think that if i make myself worry about one molecule more, i will completely snap. i can handle all this anymore. its not what i asked for, but i guess its what i got. i just want to be happy, to relax, to have fun, but i guess im not cut out for that line of work

leaving the ground

i wish i had the ability to not be so hard on myself, to not have such high expectations for myself sometimes. i wish i could just live and stop thinking so hard.

today helping jordan pack his things and watching all the other students pile the excessive content of their dorm rooms into their parents' minivans, i realized college is halfway over. ive experienced so much and had so many great unforgettable memories with some unforgettable people, but ive also spent a good portion of it lonely, sad, confused and chasing after the wrong things. and unable to focus on the positive things ive experienced, i cant help but look forward and think in a more "realistic" way that the future is just a dark mass that i dont know how to handle.

last night was so much fun. i spent it with two of my best friends. we went to a scene club and i drank cheap vodka. we came back and sat in an empty room and wasted time, and for once i wasnt worried about tomorrow or even the rest of today. i wasnt worried that it was five in the morning and i have finals next week and perhaps it isnt even appropriate of me to be here. we slept a few hours then got up and ate breakfast food for lunch, the biggest meal ive eaten in weeks. i got a sweet tea that was full of sugar and cost me two dollars i normally might not have spent, but i did not care.

and now im home to an empty house in an empty suburb and the tears start flowing and its back to all this. sometimes i dont understand myself anymore.

i just want to live. i want to love and i want to enjoy myself. i want to go a decent amount of time without crying. what is wrong with me?

"what would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?"

i am fortunate in my profession/ schooling to be surrounded by bounds of absolutely brilliant people on a daily basis. it is probably quite illegal for me to be posting their work here without their permission, but i will at least try to serve them proper credit. the first two photos are by sasha holoversa and the bottom two are by david czyz. two people i highly admire for their talent, yet they do not know this. to these people, these works are simply sketches, not finished pieces. to me they are masterpieces that i could only strive toward. t

the art world is so damn intimidating if you let it be so.

then i see this poster design by nick rose and i am reminded:
i need to stop spending all my time admiring the lives of others and wishing i had the talents, lifestyle, mindset, morals, looks, sense of style, money , prerogative, way with people, or friends that they have. i believe it is not only fine, but completely necessary to look to others and see the good in them and try to transfer some of that to yourself. its called change and theres nothing wrong with that. but theres a certain amount of first hand experience and living that must be done to get the ball rolling.

so kudos to you great people, now its my turn.