"feel the fear and do it anyway"...and other cliche self help phrasology.

what a lovely memorial day weekend. i had assumed i would spend the bulk of it working and eating popcorn in my house by myself as i do on most weekends as of late, but instead i ditched work on a whim and headed east with a stranger to meet other strangers.

i need more of that in my life.

jordan burned me a cd and gave it to me and theres good stuff on it but based on some of the lyrics to the songs i cant help but feel like the songs were strategically chosen for me. trying to say something to me. maybe even taking a jab or two at me. i try to remember that jordan never pays attention to song lyrics anyway, and even if he did maybe hes right. take for instance this song by the scene aesthetic:

Please don't run from your problems
You can't keep running, there's no place to go

As you escape from your life
This house becomes hollow
And all we can do is just wait
Sit here and wait for this train to arrive
I've got my bags packed and I've said my goodbyes
Constantly giving into these moments
That just bring me down
Just bring me close enough to stay around, to stay around

Keeping to yourself is no way to live your life
You can't fight what's coming
And all that you can do is sit back and realize, we'll be there
Cause you keep waiting for someone to save you
Embrace you and take you away, far away
Take you so far from this place

im aware that i have a lot to work on and a lot to work out. believe me, im the one that feels it everyday. sometimes i look at myself and i do feel like im running from something. like consistent change will make things better, but im coming to terms with that not always being the case. but at the same time i feel like im not the only one who feels this way. its almost like at 19 or 20 we're all going through this almost second puberty, if you will. just like in the seventh grade when i was making futile attempts for hours in the bathroom to figure out how to deal with this damn curly hair ive been blessed with, we're all trying to figure out who we are and what direction we're headed and how we want our life to be and how we can avoid being too much like our parents. and really, is it even possible to find those things while standing still?

you tell me. i suppose its different for everyone. to each his own.

you call it running? i call it exploring.

im just tired of examining it and questioning everything and asking myself why im doing things and justifying everything to myself and to others. maybe im am running. but maybe running isnt always such a bad thing. i spent this weekend in a place i love listening to beach music, laying in the sun and conversing with people i can choose to never see again if i so desire. not once did i think about drama at work, about my schedule once i get back, about the balance on my bank account, about school, about the future past tuesday morning. maybe thats something i physically couldnt do here. everybody has their own way of coping. i like to fenangle in all arenas. sometimes it involves ice cream and sometimes it involves shopping and once in a blue moon it may involve some wine, and i guess sometimes it involves getting away.