i stopped watching.

i think thats what im going to call my next body of work...now what to put in it. for the purposes of this entry im going to call myself an artist. im not sure if i should or can actually classify myself in that way, but here and now im going to just because it makes things easier.

technically, in the area of photography i have never been trained. all of my knowledge and understanding has been picked up in little pieces throughout the years through trial and error, shadowing professionals, reading books, one intro photography class, guessing and belton. and then of course there was my year long stint in the tag program in high school. ms. colvin and i struggled the best we could guiding me through an independent study of advanced placement art. problem was i didnt know shit and she was an english teacher with very little prior knowledge of photography.

we kicked ass.

i got a better grade on the ap exam than most people who took it under the school art teacher.

the one thing ms. colvin stressed was that everything have a clear meaning and everything be what it is for a reason. since then my work has always been narrative in nature, story telling, and of course wordy...but the last part isn't ms colvins fault, i was born that way.

now in college and under the watchful eye of professors who have more knowledge of the fine arts side of things i begin to question this idea that everything has to mean something and if people dont understand what you meant when they see it just by seeing it then you werent successful. sure for graphic design that is important, thats kind of the point, but what about other kinds of art? what about a photograph? do i have to have a reason? do i have to spell it out for you?

my drawing teacher believed you shouldnt do things too literally to save making the audience feel stupid. if you throw it in their face theyll feel like you think theyre incapable of drawing conclusions on their own.

my mind works in such a way that an image will occur to me. sometimes in the middle of the night sometimes at the grocery store. there is no particular rhyme or reason to it, but it just comes often out of nowhere. the robyn housewife picture was that way. i didnt think "oh lets create a whole series of juxtapositions of facades and realities in modern day suburbia" i just saw this image in my head of a completely fucked up housewife mixing pills instead of cake batter.

thats where it came from. no philosophical reasoning why, perhaps in the subconscious the last 12 songs i listened to, the last two movies i watched and the last four books i read somehow meshed together to make some grand visual statement of a complex psychological state, but somehow i doubt it.

i guess the question i struggle with is can the images just speak for themselves regardless or do i have to make them such? ive got images and im ready to go. the problem is drawing them together under a common umbrella, a theme, an idea, a statement. does it even have to make sense to be successful?

i dunno...that would be the problem.

so for now im going to shoot some ballerinas for my photography class and hope that i can improve the quality of my work. tonight on myspace i saw the comments left on the page of a recent "model" i worked with. the comments harped on the technical shortcomings of the photographs i had made of her. i have no problem with critique but i doubt the model is interested in these matters. critique should be aimed at the one who made the error, she needs to learn how to pose and i need to learn how to make a decent picture.

ill admit the pictures were bad, as most of mine are. and yes, i do know the difference between being healthily critical of yourself and harping on the negative in everything you do. my issue is the former. i am never happy with my work because i know it could be better but i just settle for what i can do at that moment. i shoot too quickly at times and blame the setting, the equipment, the situation, the model and at times personal safety on the lackluster results. i would like to for once produce something that i am technically, aesthetically and lyrically proud of, if that even makes sense.

tomorrow is the first day of school. hopefully this semester i can make some friends since i managed to end last semester with about zero new ones. im very nervous about this semester and im not sure im ready for the grueling blows to my self esteem that are sure to follow with the endless critiques ill endure for the next four months...fcukkkkk

this has been far too long and boring for the masses. oh well im not writing for you anyway. im gonna go do a damn crossword puzzle now.

currently listening to "the opposite of the sea" -oren lavie