Cleaning Out

Merry Day After Day After Christmas to you all.
I'm officially deleting my hard drive and starting over again with a fresh laptop. This is a necessary evil with all the school and photography work I've been doing, and additionally I will lose my mind if it continues to be this cluttered. It may create more trouble than it's worth but I don't care.

Kelley got me a most thoughtful gift for Christmas: a sketchbook specifically for my new photography project. I officially have another accountability partner on this one.

I've scratched down a few last notes and now I'm ready to start throwing away the last three years. Clean starts are always nice.

Speeding Cars

Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violins
just run with me through rows of speeding cars.
The papercuts the cheating lovers
The coffee's never strong enough
i know you think it's more than just bad luck

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

So I've been absent because I've spent the last few weeks in transit from one place to another. Minus the complete lack of sleep and mounds of design work for school it's been quite fun. I spent the weekend before last living out of an upscale hotel room in Atlanta and shooting all day...so basically my dream as a reality if only for two nights. I had a great time shooting and got some awesome shots that the clients loved, but more importantly than that I got to give myself a little vacay too. On Sunday night I found myself once again alone in the room. There was no one coming to stay with me or to keep me company. No internet to chat with others because that's an extra $15 and as much as I'm obsessed with the world wide web I'm also fond of my money and keeping as much of it as I can. I was starving and I had to find somewhere to eat. I spent a good twenty minutes cleaning myself up and questioning whether I should go somewhere that I knew had wifi so I could get online and occupy myself while eating alone. Or perhaps even driving back to Roswell and coercing my poor boyfriend in accompanying me to dinner. Amidst these thoughts I remember the me that ran away in 2006 and did all kinds of things along, eating being the least of these. I couldn't believe I was even second guessing whether or not I should have dinner alone. I walked to dinner, sat at a booth for two, people watched, got stared at for being young and alone, walked back to the hotel, drank some champagne, watched a movie and edited the pictures from the day. It was better than therapy. I forgot how much alone time means to me. And I don't mean alone time like running to Kroger in between classes alone. Like real time to sit and chill and remind myself of what's important.

The next week was filled with projects and stress and late late nights and no sleep as usual, then the break came. I drove through every mountain pass between Athens and Knoxville, but I made it there. Last time I was there it was weird. This time it was still a different Knoxville, but I loved it. Knoxville is just as much a place as it is the people in it to me. I got to spend the weekend with two great friends planning weddings and parties, gossiping and eating delicious food. Saturday night we went to Market Square and it has really changed but it's wonderful there now. We had some fabulous strawberry sangria and then I split from the group to go to the Imogen Heap concert. That's originally why I made the trip because she was sold out in Atlanta and I was bound and determined to see her this time around.

The concert was amazing, she does with sound what a painter does with a brush, incredible. I seriously considered trying to scalp tickets once I returned to Atlanta for her show the next day, it was that good. She played Speeding Cars which I didn't know was one of my favorites until I heard it live. I left Knoxville feeling refreshed, I need to be reminded occasionally of who I am. Part of me is up there, I had to meet up with Her for awhile.

So even though the last few weeks have mainly been comprised of finals and stressing about work stuff and school even more than usual, the weekends have been an unexpected retreat. I've let a lot of other people and circumstances get in the way of what I really want, and that makes me unhappy. It makes me cry in the middle of a cafe during a mundane semi-unrelated conversation. I feel regret. Obviously I feel a lot of regret for a lot of things over the past few years, some things out of my control and others not. But now I feel even more regret for allowing all these things to shake me and potentially continue to shake me to this day. Scurrying around like a scared child was never really part of my plan. Perhaps I'm being overdramatic, hanging onto tragedies, but I believe it really was that bad. This is my attempt at getting over it. It's time to forgive me, and use the hurt for something better than making myself feel like shit.

None of us were angels and you know I love you.

insomnia

evil doughboy, obvi.

i have not been sleeping all week. well i do sleep but it takes forever to get there. this makes for increased prevalence of stupid mistakes like putting the butter on my toast before i put it in the toaster and almost landing myself in a variety of car/pedestrian accidents. just got a text from a client saying her deposit had been returned in the mail because i apparently don't know my address. omg im a walking disaster. im keeping my fingers crossed that this passes before i hurt myself or others.

every day i am more and more reminded of the eminent future. not only the immediate future of seeing my friends go and move on with their lives as i stay here doing more of this, but my future. have i done everything i wanted to during this time? not a chance. can i take myself seriously enough to do these things before i hate myself forever for not trying? we'll see.

i need someone to push me, better yet i need to push myself.

slow email day. i am soo bored.

Summary

Oh hai.

I know once again it's been a while. But really this time...well we're just gonna have to wait and see to be honest. I suppose I could rewind and go over all the new occurrences in my life, but to be completely honest there aren't too many. Graphic Design consumes most of my life and running SP takes up most of the rest. I don't have too much free time in the evenings as I spend about 23 hours a week in class and my weekends are largely taken up with weddings and visiting Jordan. Time has been moving quickly, but if I'm honest with myself, I'd rather it not. As all my friends fold their lives into neat packages of grad school, job interviews and internships I am left behind, doomed to Athens for another year of what I have a quasi-hate relationship with: school. But then I realize that I'm lucky, because I've spent so much time in college in bad situations and being upset and trying to rebuild myself that I haven't done nearly what I wanted to do.

I ran across some things over the weekend that brought me back to high school and early college hardcore. It's times like these when I really realize how much has changed. Meeting up with Caitlyn again (see above awesome photo, what a gorgeous WOW-playing vixen lol) was an unexpected and interesting occurrence. What struck me most (even though I can't honestly say I've ever really known her well since we've only met maybe twice) is how different we both are from how we were freshman year. We've done a lot of growing up.

But then there's part of me that remembers that I never really gave myself the liberty of having a childhood. At parties I hung out with the adults, I didn't allow myself to be bubbly and giggly and stupid like all the other little kids, and almost punished myself inside when I did. I can remember a specific time when this happened, and it makes me sad to think about it. I suppose I can't really take back time, I can't regain a childhood that I didn't allow myself to have, but it's starting to make me resist any further form of growing up. Everything is moving so fast, I'm not sure if I'm ready for any of it.

Remembering who I was a few years ago is a bittersweet exercise, but ultimately a good one. I'm not sure I was ready for everything that got thrown at me there at the end of high school, and certainly not for college. I fell behind the pack mending myself as everyone else moved on. Since then I've been so caught up in one difficult situation after another, this year has really been my first opportunity to breathe. Looking back I realize that over the past few years I've allowed other people to pick away and who I was, who I wanted to be. Some aspects of this were for the better; I am better now because of them, others took away things I wanted in myself. I see my extra time in school as a final opportunity to make right with myself all of these things I feel inside.

I want to be the bright eyed girl with lofty goals, ready to take on the world.
I want to be fearless.
I want to have friends (yeah, I have about two right now).
I want to be respected not just as SP, but as a fine artist as well.

I want to be that girl who wanders around Knoxville like it's New York City, buys vintage clothes, takes tons of experimental self portraits and spends all Saturday afternoon making art on the living room floor. THAT is who I am. I care not to hear anyone's challenges on this one.

You know how sometimes you can have a million conversations with a person and then suddenly one stands out in your mind and it stays there forever? I have so many of those tucked away in my personal file cabinet. They are all extremely important and meaningful to me in their own way. I won't share them here. But this weekend I had one that I suppose I'll partially disclose here for your reading pleasure. This weekend was my formal and honestly I probably put less thought than usual into what I was going to wear and how everything was going to be. I spent less time on my hair and didn't really do any further beauty preparations before the day of.

And I felt so pretty and I honestly can't tell you the last time I felt that way. I was almost scared that it was going to go away and I might never feel this way again, at least for a long time. Sure I've got Jordan handing me the sincerest of compliments on the regular, and I love and believe in each and every one. But at the end of the day that's just how he feels about me, not how I feel. If I could bottle that feeling and have it with me every day I think I could do anything. I want back what was taken from me and is rightfully mine. It's my turn to get it.

Oh blog, you've got me crying again. Who needs therapy when you've got a keyboard. I've got an 8am, and I should definitely not be awake right now.

Back from outer space

I've decided as much as I kind of hate reading back on this thing I also have grown somewhat attached to this stupid blog. I particularly need it this time of year when it starts getting cold and dark all the time and life slows down and I get bored and broody. I figure no one reads this anymore, I think most people have better things to do. My major encourages spending insane amounts of time on the computer, so I don't : )

Considering whether or not to get Imogen Heap tickets. Atlanta sold out so I'm gonna have to go to Knoxville, which wouldn't be such an awful thing since I have work waiting for me up there if I want it, but I'd probably have to go to the concert by myself. But I have wanted to see her so

More to come, seriously

the long goodbye.

i am wrapping things up here in atlanta, two weeks earlier than i should be, mind you. and heading back to school. i feel like i was just arriving here. in some ways the beginning of the summer seems so long ago, but in others it seems like it just began. i thought given that i have a new apartment and finally some stability in my major and the chance to continue building new friendships i might be more excited about going off again, but i am dragging my feet like nobody's business.

when i arrived here in may, i was physically and emotionally exhausted. the stress of the portfolio review, finals, social and extracurricular obligations and a completely slammed spring wedding season left me tired in every sense of the word. i was actually beginning to feel the physical effects of what i was doing to myself in the form of back pain and numbness of the limbs, my entire body was tense and ready for battle at any time, something i had become well versed in over the past semester.

coming home was an oasis for me. the first time in many years that i had no formal job or internship. i almost immediately felt better. i worked from home and more or less loved it, particularly once business started picking up later in the summer. i saw death cab in concert finally and they were awesome. i got into the graphic design program. i visited knoxville and watched a great friend and roomate get married. i went to europe for the first time and now cant wait to go back again. i went to seattle, my first real trip with jordan and we had an amazing time connecting together and spending time just the two of us. i finally got my business organized, streamlined workflow and pricing and launched some new products and packages. i painted a little bit and started to get to the bottom of whats really been going on with me since high school. i read a book for the first time in ages. i sat around and refused to let myself feel guilty about it for once.

and now full circle i find myself sitting on the edge of another school year. and i fear so much that all of the good that i did for myself this summer will be instantly washed away once i leave here. you see here, i am not some girl in your class, or your friend that you talk to only when its convenient or when you need something or the girl whose name you know but is not a significant individual to you, i am not the odd girl you dont understand and im not the room mate whose point of view youll never see. here im just me. something i havent been able to be since august 2006.

because ever since then its not been good enough to just be me, theres this whole thing where you have to try and you have give people a list of reasons to absolutely adore you and you have to stand out from the crowd. i dont do well in front of crowds.

ive read books, ive observed the actions of others who are more succesful than i, ive behaved out of the norm, and i still find myself stuck in the same place. since when do we have to work to be loved? cant it just happen? ive felt this way for three years and im beginning to wonder if it will ever go away.

here i am on the cusp of another year, and i am praying futilely for more time. more time to sit here and be happy and ok with being myself. just a little more time.

restless sunday

[a few of my favorite shots from our trip, on the ferry to victoria, canada]

wow its really really been awhile. im sorry blog for abandoning you, i have been far too busy living my life to write about it. seattle was awesome. it was such a great time for jordan and i just to disconnect ourselves from everyone and everything else and just enjoy each other in a wonderful environment. to explore and to get away. it was also a great test of relationship to deal with the planning and executing of such a trip, i highly recommend it to all couples. that coupled with my earlier europe trip has left me with a strong case of wanderlust that now reflecting back on my summer is ever-worsening.

this summer has been such a strange combination. on one hand it was completely different in that i didnt hold a job or internship as i have for the previous four years or so and instead chose to travel and work on my own business. with those differences came the familiarity of summers past where i got to choose what i did all summer and actually had some free time on my hands. coming off of a semester like the one before i needed the break desperately. ive known for a while that this is my last week here, but now with the prospect of this just over the horizon, im realizing the reason why ive been so reluctant to start packing: i dont want to go back. ive enjoyed this time working on my business and more importantly working on myself. this is the first time in years that ive really had the physical time to explore exactly what i want to get out of the next few years and what im ulitmately looking for past then. it gave me time to return to the location of so many long lost memories and decide which ones were important enough to keep and which ones needed be thrown by the wayside. i discovered that i need to be using my time better, and in that way perhaps i can revisit more of the person who i used to be, the person ive so desperately longed for since college began. the girl that sits on the floor all sunday afternon and creates, just because she wants to and she can. the girl that tries new things and doesnt judge herself or others before trying those things. the girl that is a real artist. the girl that doesnt make excuses.

i scroll through facebook and see all the people doing awesome and productive things like landing great internships, traveling to amazing locales or even just getting some courses out of the way over the summer, and i think maybe i could/should have done those things.

but i know that i needed this time.

i need more time.

miss me? ive been a world traveler...sort of. the jet lag is still taking me down. i had a fabulous time, and im experiencing a great bit of reverse culture shock even though i was only gone 9 days. traveling really helps me put life into perspective. it reminds me that i am only a small part of the world and my world is only a small part of the whole world. it reminds me that there are things out there greater than myself. it makes me want to do amazing and fun things with my life; i always said my main goal for life was to lead an interesting (in a good way) life. being around executives and top salespeople all week was another interesting and educational aspect of the week. it gave me some insight to the future. i feel differently about a lot of things. i have the same feeling i did as a junior-upcoming senior in high school. you can see the end in sight. unfortunately despite this sentiment i do have two more years which makes me not a true senior. but i have that feeling of the world opening up and stretching out before me, i get to choose now. im sure that the world will put me back in my place soon enough, and this newfound confidence and optimism will vanish, but i'll enjoy it while its here for now.

p.s. check out my baby, the new photo blog, jordan and i have been working very hard on it link

knoxville sunday

im presently sitting in a cafe in knoxville killing time and savoring internet access before i have to go back to katies and get ready for mb's wedding. as per usual its weird being back here, but this time its worse. this time the memories are more distant and less recognizable, and with half of my friends all moved away the feeling i remember most is the loneliness. the thought of staying here, finishing what i started, being different, making a new life for myself, being with the awesome group of art students i was with, it all sounds great, but every time i come here i am even further assured that that might have been more a fantasy rather than an attainable reality. im not so sure i ever fit in well here, dont know why, but it just never really worked no matter how hard i tried. its difficult to see a dream fly away from you, but at least ultimately i made the right decision.

tonight i see a good friend of mine who is actually slightly younger than myself get married. for once i am a guest and not a photographer. both aformentioned aspects are going to make this a weird night. ill report back on this.

im gaining weight and its making me mad yet i dont do anything about it instead i just make more pies and cookies to eat. ugh time to get out of here.

hey two nights in a row this is a good start. and for those of you who were wondering i was fairly productive today. my room is actually starting to look somewhat organized and my computer finally has more than 7 gb of memory on it, damn large image files.

i spent all day cleaning out my room throwing out old things. i went through all my books. im sure the used book store will be happy to give me two dollars for an armful of books that is worth hundreds. i found old diaries that made me laugh. i was such a neurotic person...still am. it was interesting for me to see how narrow minded i used to be compared to now (so yeah, if you think im narrow minded now...) i found entries written out of excitement, and entries written out of sadness and senior year despair, before there was this blog. i found lyrics about aperture, and i cant remember what they meant. books that contained sad memories i threw out. i found the old journals we rotated throughout high school and as i shuffled through the pages i almost couldnt believe the words, of others and of myself, were really written by us. those lives seem so distant and different from the present its often hard to find the connection. i didnt throw those away, i never will, they are priceless. an uncomfortable, dramatic, homormonally induced difficult moment in time captured forever in those three books. i found my first sketchbook, with magazine clippings, song lyrics, poetry and simple line drawings amassed over the several year span i took classes at the art center before i became a real art student and thearby voluntarily crushed my own soul. it was interesting to see the change in subject matter, attitude and approach throughout the book. i found what i thought might be a poem but it wasnt marked and i couldnt recall its origin, i still like the words so i googled it, turns out it was a good old song by john:

if melody is my destiny
then whats left of me
ill give to you

if next to me is all that you need to be
would you settle for fantasy
if its the best you could do

can i have my cake?
can i have you too?
would you follow me?
could i ask you to?

i dont think ive ever even heard this song. i dont need to.
this is why they tell you to always keep old sketch books. they become treasures in the sand one day.

finally i cleaned out my supply box. this coupled with an earlier rampage of ripping out cool shit from magazines before i threw them out sparked it in me. i touched a marker to paper to see if it was dry and youd have thought it was the most exciting thing in the world. it made me really want to create, i might not even care what i create anymore, just something. something to get it out of my system and make me feel real. something to remind me where i came from so i can figure out where i got lost and make it go away. i swear i was a better photographer, writer and artist as a sophomore in high school than i am as a junior in college.

ashley's australia pictures have sparked my sense of wanderlust and craving for change and freedom. i want to make adventures.

ok seriously, im going to write more. i really want to its just that im pretty sure youre more bored with my life than i am...not too much interesting going on, i should be thankful for that. but i know the sadness i feel when my blogger friends have not updated in forever (you all know who you are), and i being the stalker that i am feel frustration because they might want to be out living their lives instead of sitting in front of the computer all the time writing about it so that i can peep into their lives and souls. cmon people lets see some updates. i wanna know all the skanky and emo details.

so lets catch up since its been so terribly long...

two weekends ago i shot ryan's brother jonathan's wedding. i really enjoyed it, it was one of the most fulfilling weddings ive done though im not sure why. perhaps because the people involved were a little more familiar and a little less like strangers. perhaps because i got some killer shots of the two of them when the rain miraculously dissapated for the remainder of the afternoon as soon as the church doors opened at the end of the ceremony (see above: ignore the shitty color space, still getting used to this whole internet thing you know) perhaps because they really appeared to be in love, which i often find a rareity these days. whatever the case, it was fun, they have really great families and i think they are liking the pix so far at least.

spent most of the rest of the week in athens keeping kelley company and packing up what's left of my things. the house is going to look pretty bare without our stuff there, but looks like we're going to have to buy practically nothing for the new place which im quite excited about. we also ate cookies and sushi and ice cream but not all at the same time. im super excited for next year.

rounded out the weekend at the lake doing absolutely shit nothing. it sounds crazy, but i think i am seriously still recovering from school...yes it really was that bad. kelley and jordan came up and we tried to evade the rain between rounds of cards and lots of way too rich pie.

talked to ebeth tonight, im headed to the knox on saturday for mb's wedding. it still hasnt really set in that i have friends younger than myself getting married. e is different. she works at a kids camp now, im pretty sure she previously didnt like kids so hot. she talked a lot about her fiance, which is certainly natural, but i could just tell that we arent in the same place in life anymore. i fear that from this point forward we will have increasingly less and less in common. but i am excited for her, because this was all what she wanted and its how it was all meant to work out for her. im sure that shes going to be so happy and that makes me happy for her. i cant help but think though, given that so many of my ut friends are already engaged, that my move has prevented me from feeling the pressure to enter a stage of life for which i am so not even ready right now. going to weddings every weekend doesn't really help reinforce the desire for marriage haha.

so here i am, im not sure how many weeks into summer, and ive accomplished not too much so far. the relaxation, however, has been a good and neccesary addition to everything, but there are so many other, still relaxing things i wanted to do this summer that i will never accomplish at this rate of lethargy. sooo ive got to be a little more disciplined. i swear i used to be really disciplined. i also used to have patience, love to sit for hours and work on random useless craft projects and be able to focus. now things are different and i dont really like it. im going to blame it on technology. so i think now would be a good time to separate myself a bit from technology. allow myself to slow back down a little. so even though no one reads this im putting a call out for good books, like really good ones, like on the road kind of good. ive gotten more inspiration from music and books than anywhere else. the music is kind of dying now too, but ill fix that in time. so if you have any must reads please let me know : ) oh and for all you literary buffs i also equally appreciate good poetry which if i understand it (lol) i often find more visually rich and inspiring than books. my absolute fave hands down is pablo neruda. ill leave you with a line of his:

I want
To do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.

-Pablo Neruda Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair

sexy? oh yes i think so

grapevine fires

i have literally been sitting in bed all day. i dont know what ive been doing, it seemed productive at the time, but now im not so sure it was. now that my life is finally not in shambles due to the uga art program im really going to try to write more often, though im pretty sure no one reads this anymore anyway lol. the beginning of the summer has been a busy one, but im just still reeling over spring semester being over it all still hasnt hit me yet. ive been working a lot, doing some editing for brenda and shooting weddings of course, ive got a portrait sitting on sunday and in a strange life-circulating kind of twist of events im shooting ryans brothers wedding this weekend. revisiting my first solo job ever i suppose. ill pray for more organization and skill level on my part this time around. im about to start working on some more business-related stuff as well. ill be updating my website and creating a much prettier word press blog that will hopefully become the cornerstone of my marketing strategy...oh and i jumped on the twitter train even though i still dont understand the point. now that im in the graphic design program i feel almost like im living someone else's life. things seem so different, but in a good way. ill hopefully spend some time learning more about all that jazz and i want to try screen printing at home, ill let you know how that venture goes lol.

last week we went to the death cab concert at the fox. after hearing mixed reviews about their previous live performances i had low expectations but i really enjoyed the show. i thought the lighting really complemented the music well without being distracting. i actually downloaded narrow stairs right after it came out last year. i loved i will possess your heart and was pretty let down by the rest of the album, so i listened to it once then trashed it. after hearing everything live i redownloaded the album and i actually like it now. its a shift from plans for sure, it lacks the droaning beats and repetition prevelent in plans and transatlanticism, but it takes a nod back to some of their earlier stuff. of course, i dont know shiz about music so this could all be wrong, just a humble thought. i particularly love grapevine fires. if i could paint worth shit i would paint this song, the imagery in the lyrics gives me goosebumps. and ill leave you tonight with that.

We bought some wine and some paper cups
Near your daughters school when we picked her up
And drove to a cemetery on a hill
On a hill

And we watched the plumes paint the sky gray
But she laughed and danced through the field of graves
And there I knew it would be alright
That everything would be alright

Would be alright

the best for last.

this semester has been a toughie, probably the most challenging one yet. my workload was unfathomable, i was under a great deal of pressure to get into the graphic design program, i put an unhealthy amount of stress on my body with long nights no sleep awkward diets and too much stress, i was living out of my bedroom and dealing with some pretty heavy room mate issues, i was still adjusting to a a new school and trying to build a new life and of course along the way always on the desperate search to find out who exactly i am once again. all the struggles, the lack of sleep, the stresses, the tears, the physical and emotional pain were canceled out this weekend. and i will tell you why.

it began thursday night. i was still exhausted from the night before staying up late finishing up my graphic design portfolio and due to my stupid inability to nap the following day, but i was determined to celebrate. i went by button's bf's house for a while and as soon as i got out of the car everyone on the porch was yelling my name. they know my name?! victory #1 for the night haha. this made me feel nice inside. then molly and i literally ran downtown leading the group and went to level where our end of the year rave was taking place. i promised my little i would buy her a shot, but the line was rediculously long. standing there, i got a call from my graphic design friends wanting me to come meet them at copper creek. debating in my head the pros and cons of waiting in this rediculously long line i bid adeau to my friends. i had paid $8 for a wristband for an event i didnt even attend. oh well, i missed the white tshirt memo anyway haha.

besides i think i had more fun with the art kids than i would have drunkenly dancing around in strobe lights, i hate those seizure-inducing things. for that one night our group hung in a balance, we were all united in our sense of relief that this grueling process was over, knowing that in only a few days the group was likely to be split and we would all go our separate ways no longer united in the facebook chats in the wee hours of the morning because we were up all night painting or the inside jokes about moon. but that night we were all there buying each other drinks and reveling in the finality of it all, whether we really believed it was over or not. i spent the rest of the night with an incredibly random group of people including a girl dressed like a pineapple and when i got home and realized it was 4 am, i could hardly believe it...i havent been up that late in years probably and it didnt even feel that late at all.

i planned on sleeping reading day away, but unfortunately my body had other plans. i spent the rest of the day cleaning up and turning in my photo final, at which time i also learned that i had been accepted into the photography program...great, but not what i was looking for lol. evening rolled around and through our backyard strolls ashley, it was hard to believe she was even there. she picked me up and spun me around about twenty times and it was so nice to have her back. we headed over to a mexican restaurant in normaltown and illegally got margaritas for the table. those mexicans love their tequila and i was kind of glad i had volunteered to drive because those things were too strong for my taste haha. back at our place we set up the basically full bar jordan had brought over left over from moving out of his apartment. we sat out on the deck creating our own small gathering in a sea of other deck parties until it started raining, at which point our intimate gathering turned into a dance party. i rock teh pocker face better than anyone you know believe it.

i dont really know what time i went to sleep jordan was in and out of my room all night and i was so exhausted from everything that i probably slept through any events that took place after about two or three. its always nice to wake up with him there. i had to grab the address of the church i was headed to later in the afternoon so i pulled up my email to get the info. waiting in my inbox were two new messages, both from moon, one called "congratulations" and one called "wrong email" these two seemed to have conflicting content and so i sat there for a while considering which, if any to open. jordan determined that congratulations sounded happier and i should open that one first. turns out the wrong email one was just concerning some kind of minor issue with my email address. the congrats email told me that i had indeed been accepted into the graphic design program!!!!! i still dont believe it, it came as such a shock to me and its still hard to really grasp what happened and what all this means for my future. however ultimately the only thing that matters is that now i do have a future. for the past three years my life has hung in a balance based entirely upon acceptance into the program both during my time at ut and my time here. now i have something to hold onto, something concrete, absolute and real. its so nice to know where im going. ill be in school for extra time, but once i get out of school ill be trained and have lots of opportunities available to me, graduates of the program always do. im nervous and i still doubt my abilities for sure, this journey isnt going to be easy for me for sure, but it never has been so i guess im getting used to it.

i spent yesterday photographing a wedding and trying to stay awake for the whole thing. i came home and absolutely crashed. im still sleep deprived, but ive got another wedding today so no rest for the weary! my first korean wedding...should be interesting.

ive still got two finals to go, in fact one of them could determine whether or not i pass a class, but my mind is so distracted by all the wonderfullness of this weekend, im not sure how ill get any studying done haha. thank you to everyone who gave me love and support throughout all this, who listened to my depressed phone calls, who understood why i wasnt mentally or sometimes physically there half the time, who picked up the slack for me when i couldnt. i speak a lot about the moment in high school when i stood up on the stage and recieved a department award i wasnt expecting for my work in photography my senior year. i speak a lot about that moment because it was an accomplishment, but not just an accomplishment, it was a milestone reached all on my own based on my hard work and it was recognized. i dont even know where that medal is today, but ill never forget how it made me feel. the last three years have been comprised of a lot of stressing, plan b making, worrying, crying, depression, insecurities and self doubt, and of course a lot of late nights filled with hard work.

it was worth it.

fin.

well not really. i still have 2 test finals next week, and I actually have to do really good on both of them, but i dont really care as long as i can get through tomorrow. tomorrow is THE day, the day ive been waiting for for the better part of three years now. all the stress, the work, the tears, the confusion has come down to this incredibly subjective and frankly irrelevant and outdated process. but i dont get to pick how the process works, i just have to go with it. its funny because een though i should have been working or if nothing else feeling more stress i have an overwhelming sense of calmness today. not so calm that im not getting my stuff done or doing a bad job on my stuff, but the perfect level of calm. i can honestly say that i have no real preference as to the outcome of this whole thing. obviously ive worked very hard to get here so i would want to have that rewarded by getting into the program, but if that doesnt work out, there are positive aspects to not getting in as well. i think ive become settled with the fact that i have almost no control over the whole situation and that i shouldnt put all my eggs in one basket. so this is me, going with the flow...a new and foreign concept for me to be sure, but im ready to try it out for size. i should know the results in a few days, but just say a little prayer for me tonight that all my projects and i make it to class tomorrow in one piece, thats the most i can ask for.

should we be concerned?

theres a swine flu spreading around the world, experts say it could be a new pandemic.

theres a man running around somewhere having killed three people, they still havent caught him and for all i know hes in my yard though my guess is that hes dead somewhere.

the economy has yet to recover and people are scrambling for jobs.

quasi socialism?

ok, the news is now officially off my list of acceptable programs to watch, if i have to parental block it i will. but even as such, current events are more or less unavoidable.

ill be the first to say that i am one of those people. i am crazy. i believe in a lot of the conspiracy theories that float around like the NWO theory and others. i believe that the world is crumbling beneath us and has been for a while. i wish i could stop believing this because its not exactly a rosy outlook for life, but i cant really help it at this point, im scared shitless. forgive me for my many conservatively-slanted parnoid entries lately, but like i said, i am one of those people. believing in the Bible as i do and interpreting it in a way that is standard with the bounds of my denomination, my hope is that if the world goes to shit, i wont be here, for if i have made myself right with God i will be taken beforehand, but seriously i dont want to see the world like that, even before it gets really bad. i suppose thats why heaven exists, to reveal how shitty the world actually is, but so far the world has been decent, and i dont want to have horrible memories of anywhere, im not too keen on seeing some global failure going down, i prefer it when things are going well. but then again who doesn't?

am i beginning to sound like andy rooney? oh geez.

so other than avoiding anything with headlines or news of any kind on it, ive been busting tail on paintings. my optimism waxes and wanes depending upon what project i am completing. some days i am convinced i have a chance, other days i dont even want to get even if i did, others i feel like everything i do is horrible and still yet others i am plagued by an uncertain future regardless of outcome.

but the swine flu and the NWO or lack thereof and the crazy marketing prof and the outcome of my review are pretty much out of my hands. and its high time to let those things go and live. if i want to see the world as something beautiful, if i want to experience it before i go, whenever that may be, then i must must must live my life.

but first
i must paint
a lot
thats one thing i do have control over lol.

i have seen the end and it is beautiful.

i have been listening to massive attack and other various trip-hoppery and now feel as if i am tripping myself. probably that in combination with writing papers on Shining Ocean Wild Smart Salmon Kenyan Coffee Barbecue flavor (idk if this sounds appealing to you but it sounds like vomit to me personally, and im the one thats gotta promote it) and the ever-wonderful Death of Sarpedon (which is what is should be doing now). whatevs. i can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel which is what ive longed for all this time i can finally see the day when i know where my future lies, the one variable that secures all the others.

the above is a short little series i finished last week for the digital section of my photo class. we had to do some type of narrative. so i returned to my miss-colvin-induced english roots and went for it. i wanted to create a story to depict my relationship with the medium. despite some technical issues (being the photog and not being able to see at all is slightly more than difficult) it was fun. it was nice to shoot something a little more fine art in the digital medium and return a little bit back to myself and the way me and my art used to be. over spring break caitlyn, kelley and i were discussing my image versus reality series from senior year and with a few finangles here and there (and absolutely none in some cases) every single image in that series was, is or became true. im a motherfucking prophet. youre welcome. ill go ahead and clarify questions that are sure to be asked about the above pictures:

1. hells yes that is a ladysmith black mambazo poster
2. i am aware that the lens cap is in and out of attendence in these pictures...careless accident
3. try checking out that last image in 8x10 size hanging up on your classroom wall at 8am, youll want to vomit just as much as i did. my face is even redder than usual due to scraping of spray paint off my face. this was a painful project
4. yes i like purple
5. its quite apparent im not an actress
6. yes sometimes we eat cereal at night, but never at that table


so there you have it. my vulnerability on a plate. this project isnt exactly my baby or anything, but a step in the right direction, so you can feel free to botch and butcher it with comments as much as youd like, id like to know what maybe some nonart people think.

days like these i am reminded that i have something important to say. something that matters and something that should be said. the past few years have been a building process. building my skill level, my confidence and bringing myself back to a state i was once in.

and when i get there

you will know

numb.

did i ever tell you i HATE going to the doctor? the nurses and doctors don't seem to understand what im talking about when i tell them i have anxiety about the doctor. they act like i am two and tell me that the doctor's going to be really really nice and gentle with me. i want to smack them in the face because they obviously dont understand why i feel this way and whats gotten me to this point. its the reason im going to have to get one of those medical bracelets, its the reason i have panic attacks whenever listening to someone talk to me in their office, its the reason i HATE going to the doctor. house, bannana, bicycle, dog carrot ha! i still have the list memorized.

i think my doctor is convinced something is wrong with my brain. im hoping not. i think this doctor enjoys scaring the shit out of people on purpose. really helpful lady. nevertheless i think limbs going numb is a problem and probably not just the miniscule result of stress as some friends have hypothesized. webmd is so not helpful unless you want to scare the shit out of yourself. according to it i have a tumor growing on my spine. sweet.

good has come of this though. ive had a lot more time to relax this week and have been taking advantage of it. last night i went out to dinner and watched a movie. i dont know how long its been since i was able to do those things.

school cannot come to an end sooner.

complacency

feeling very complacent today, getting blood sucked from your veins and hours of staring at proto attic amphoras will do that to you i guess. in case it wasnt already evident i am so ready for this semester to be over its starting to hurt. ive been doing pretty good all semester long, but im not so sure ive got 4 weeks of energy left in me. my mind matches the current condition of all my limbs: numb. if someone could fix either of these things i would be most appreciative.

i found a cool new website so you know ive been staring at that all day instead of doing what im supposed to. there are so many extremely talented people out there, i often wonder if there is any room for someone like me.

ugh this entry has been completely not productive. much like me. off to bask in more belly-handled amphoras.

with you, its always midnight.

im getting restless. im pretty sure soon ill start doing that thing i do where toward the end of the semester i just kind of check out and spend time rebelling against whatever im supposed to be doing at the time. im just asking for some direction, some light, a glimmer of understanding in this maze of a future i currently find myself in. i just want to know...something...something for certain.

double life

what a perfect weekend. these kinds of weekends are the ones you dont mind going through killer weeks to get to. amanda drove all the way from kentucky to come see us which was awesome of her. then i drove to atlanta to celebrate my two year anniversary with jordan...still hard to believe its been two years since that awkward at best dinner date freshman year followed by scurried visits to each other's schools with uncomfortable dorm room living situations all of which led to where we are today. we had the most fabulous dinner downtown then stayed in what will probably be the coolest place ill ever stay with a double window view of the city...amazing. naturally, i didnt want to leave. jordan enjoyed his stratocaster thank God. i know not too much about guitars but it worked out well. i was really thankful to have work right now and be able to get him a nice gift like that.

of course all good things must come to an end, so im back at school with seriously a truckload of work to do. i keep telling myself the semester is almost over only to remember that it actually isn't almost over at all. six weeks is hardly almost over. so i trudge forward with my double life. the weekends offer a calm solace and break from everything that's going on, and its a wonderful neccesary break for me, but im so strung out on school right now that i plunge myself into these weekends and breaks, abandoning everything i know about athens. all that is fine, its what i need because i hate worrying about work all the time, but then when sunday rolls around its like dragging a pig to slaughter. its impossible for me to get that drive and motivation back. im not all here anymore. a little bit of me is at the beach, a little bit of me is at home, a little bit of me is in midtown. im a robot here, a person everywhere else. other places i get to have feelings and emotions, free time, dreams, food and sleep. here i am mechanical. i dont eat sleep or laugh. i mostly just worry about the future and stare in shock at the people around me and their often ludicrous behavior. i wish i could stop living for those breaks so much and just find myself in my daily life. but that cant happen so long as im living a double life.

return.

so nothing too terribly notable happened last week during our trip to the beach. and that is one of the many reasons why it was absolutely fabulous. i can honestly say that is the first time in a very very long while where i was able to COMPLETELY forget about graphic design, school, anxiety, drama, etc. etc. etc. etc. for more than a few hours. i almost felt like i was lying to myself during that time, but it was there all along i was just able to forget about it for once, thank God. we ate, we drank drinks from all ends of the spectrum (crystal light a whole tube of it, awkward tasting sangria and some high class shit at the restaurant that gave us poor service because we weren't over 65) we tanned and burned and burned again, we walked miles of beach without realizing it, we gawked at houses, scoffed at one or two oglers, yelled at my insane gps lady, made fun of people on tv, made up stories about john gosling, and youll never know if we really funneled orange juice naked upside down or not.

im finding it increasingly difficult to deal with returning from all this. its such a rare commodity for me to really feel at peace, when i get it i dont want to let it go. everyone keeps telling me only eight or whatever weeks left to go like thats some kind of solace. i was running on my last leg before spring break, im not so sure what more i have to give. i wish i was one of those optomistic people. i really feel like im trying but it just doesnt seem to work so hot for me. trying is the important part i suppose. things are going well in my personal life right now, but im having trouble at this moment looking toward my future professional life with optimism. ive always seen myself as a motivated and hardworking individual, sometimes more than most my age, but lately the curtain of reality has fallen over my face and im finding it hard to see much good for me professionally. i question whether or not ill be able to support myself when i get out of school. then some videographer tells me about how his wife has terminal cancer and after that we're all fucked anyway because our parents are going to die because theyre not going to be able to get the medical treatments they need because now the government gets to decide and five seconds into this convo im looking for a way out because dude i am already such a mess inside without having to hear your ominous predictions for the future. listen dude, where the past and the future meet, thats where youll find me, worrying about both on the regular.

i cant.

i cant keep feeling this way all the time and i cant do anything to stop it. im beginning to think that junior year ranks right up there with freshman year in the confusion department. sophomore year brings the trembling earthquake that breaks it all down and brings you right back where you started from. im not so sure we ever really escape from it.

this is me gritting my teeth and digging my heels into the sand as they drag me back to classes.

i can tell you bout the little things, so you dont think about the big things for awhile

sorry for the horrible image quality. i know that as a photographer i should do better than that, but ive got so many projects on my computer right now, no more room for pictures! these are the two latest thorns in my side, graphic survey projects. in case youre wondering hand painting these at computer-like precision does suck a nut...quite hard actually. im still trucking but the outlook is dim. practically every time i work on a project for that class i cry alligator tears. there is most certainly still hope, but knowing my lack of painting skills and craftsmanship in the area and knowing thats the only thing they judge on doesnt make me feel so warm and fuzzy about the program. its never easy to realize that a dream is fleeting. i dont know what im going to do if i dont make it. probably shed some more alligator tears, then get a good deal of flack from my parents who probably think im in athens sitting on my ass and doing mad crazy fun shit on the regular. they dont realize how sick ive made myself worrying about what the hell im going to do with my future.

i just want everyone to be happy. that includes me too in this case.

i guess i feel like this is my way in the world and theres not much else im good at. im not a stellar designer, but im decent. im not the type of person who is just full of talents, i have a few and thats it. so if this doesnt work well then...i dont know.

and not knowing is like totally the worst thing ever that you can do to a virgo.

in my heart of hearts it really wouldnt bother me all that much if i didnt get in, its more about being scared about what becomes of me if i dont that gets me. i feel like there are a good number of things ive failed at recently, major failures, id prefer not to add another to the list.

i just want everyone to be happy. ill never be satisfied so perhaps it doesnt include me in this case.

ugh here come the alligator tears.

ultimately id like to stop trying to come up with strategies and ways to fix things and instead just fix them. or not fix them. or just calm down or something.

i would really like to spend some time painting this summer. i need to play and perhaps i need to get out of photography in order to do it. id love to go back to a time when i could just play and not worry about what people thought or how it made me look or what kind of image i was portraying or who i was embarrising or what it meant or who i was. i would love to have that back.

more than i could say.

just to be able to mess around and stop judging myself so harshly. to stop feeling like everything i do fails in one way or another. to stop feeling like my thoughts and ideas are worthless. to just let it go. its hard for me to even imagine at this point how that would feel. i feel pretty worthless most days, i feel like im working but never enough, never good enough.
___

I leave you with the quote i selected for my photography project. not sold on it yet since im not sure i can create the photography to go with it which is obviously the most important part. i never found a song that hit me right so i decided to go with a [long] quote from literature. if i havent blogged about this short story yet, then shame on me. im not an english buff by any means, but in my narrow experience i believe it to have one of the best opening hooks of any story ive read. i wish i had the book it came from here at school, but i dont so i can only quote from the beginning of the story and the very very end because i memorized the end haha.

"We didn't in the light; we didn't in the darkness. We didn't in the fresh cut summer grass or in the mounds of autumn leaves or the snow where moon light threw down our shadows. We didn't in your room on the canopy bed you slept in as a child, or in the backseat of your father's rusted Rambler, which smelled of the smoked chubs and kielbasa he delivered on weekends from my Uncle Vincent's meat market. We didn't in your mother's Buick Eight, where rosary twined the rearview mirror like a beaded black snake with silver cruciform fangs...We didn't..."

Story ensues for a few pages and the end:

"We didn't. We didn't. We never did."

-Stuart Dybek, We Didn't

My question is: what is more important, what you did do or what you didn't?

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him..." Romans 8:28

Note to self: remember that.

Lately life seems like a frustrating struggle against one thing or another. Churning out schoolwork at a record breaking pace, fighting to correct my living situation and find a new one for next year, racing against time wanting to graduate but seeing it further and further in the distance. The thing I need to remember is that if youre fighting and fighting even if you eventually get what you sought, it's forced. Wouldn't it be better to just let it happen? Wouldn't that save a lot of frustration and effort and disappointment and stress if it just was what it was?

Note to self: remember that.

Friends are getting engaged right and left. I dont hear congrats all i hear is ca-ching. Hellz yeah time to cash in for my dues. seriously though i am very happy for all, but ive gotta learn how to put one foot in front of the other, maybe finally figure out what my major will be, maybe i dunno finish school in like twenty years before adding something like that into the picture.

Meeting with another photographer this weekend. he's from the ajc. hes asian. hes awesome. sure, ill take another asian in my life why not!

I am uuber excited about my next photo assignment. Now if i can only ward off graphic design long enough to get some work done on it. its very open ended. we are to create a series of four photographs based on a quote or song lyrics. you know im going for the latter, sorry folks no tired out walden quotes for me. so ive got to brainstorm about what would be a good song to visually represent. ill probably end up going with some emo death cab song from high school, or just generally a song from high school or early college. i havent been touched my music as much recently. im not sure why that is i just havent found a song thats hit my heart. perhaps this is a positive indicator of my mental state, which i am totally ok with. anyways, to the one and a half people who may or may not read this, if you have any suggestions for visually charged or emotively charged songs that you think might be relevant please post it here!

happy tuesday all.

realities

hopefully i can make it through another week of nonstop work, ive never been this busy before school is taking over my life for sure. the reality of not having painting skills and not being able to paint is now setting in. somehow not being able to paint correlates to not being able to do graphic design, which is more or less done entirely by computer nowadays. i try to be optimistic about the way things are going to turn out, but doesnt optimism also imply a certain level of ingnorance, of turning the other cheek to reality? and thus the reality of being the only thing ive ever wanted to be in college (done) slips further from my grasp. no worries, for now im still clenching onto that little bit of optimism that says youre gonna make it after all.

adding to the stress is finding a new place for next year. im glad to be moving, but i hate that im having to do it once again. its all difficult and logistical and political and difficult. i dont really want to deal with it right now.

cant wait to be done with this semester. im over the stress of this program and the negativity in my life. couldnt be more excited for the beach in three weeks : )

graphic design has successfully taken over my life.

perhaps not just taken over it but swallowed it whole. actually eating it away in its entirety via an acid bath is actually more appropriate.

im only on the second project and im dying! i have no time for the work in my other classes, and forget any kind of social life unless it is some kind of major or required event that i can squeeze in between masking off my gd project, failing at trying to find subjects for photography, visiting foreign grocery stores for ag and searching desperately for my lone carrot in the fridge. spring break are you here yet?

i wonder if its all in vain anyway.

thursday

because you know it is.

link so i dont get sued
so i should probably be getting ready for school or cleaning but i feel sick so im doing this instead.

im excited to be spending two, maybe even three back to back weekends in athens. as much fun as i have running around and visiting people and working etc. i havent really had much time to get to know this place, and according to my advisor i have five semesters left here (yes that means i'll be a cool 24 years old by the time i graduate undergrad...oh well the economy sucks a nut anyway right now so its probably a good thing) so i feel like i should make a life here. i feel like part of the problem with my college experience thus far is that no matter where i was i was always wanting to be somewhere else. when i was in tn i just wanted to be home. when i was home i just wanted to be in athens and once i finally got to athens i just wanted to be somewhere else. its not how i want to be, i want to feel at home here. now i think its going to take me finding a place to live where i am truly comfortable before that happens, but at least i can become acclimated to this place and let the living situation fall into place sometime later for now. so this weekend i will enjoy my time in athens, ive got a full plate for sure, but ill be here basically by myself so hopefully i can have some time to explore. i spent most of my days alone in tn and now i feel like its been forever since ive done something alone...definitely not a bad thing, but im an independent girl too : )

guess im off to learn about the ins and outs of the food industry. please pray that i will continue to not cutabitch. here are some things that might make me want to cutabitch:
-heals in the morning
-heals in the evening
-heals at suppertime
(well maybe not, mostly just in the morning)
-cups that leak milk
-high volume levels on tv
-olive oil all over the place
-vomit in the sink
-chewing
-prying into my biz

happy thursday!

ps: resolution #1: check! seven weddings scheduled this year, won't be hard to make my goal of eight yay!

used to have a grip on everything, it feels better to let go

just some wedding pics from a wedding a few weekends ago, im sure it will be back up on the other blog soon. my internet life is becoming more complex than my real life and i have to say its pretty hard to keep up with lol.

since school started my life has been a huge ball of stress, projects, assignments, papers and tests abound. im having trouble keeping up with it all whilst maintaining my sanity and trying to leave at least a bit of room for something relaxing or fun, but im somehow doing it nonetheless. but its been good, business is a good thing for me and as long as it doesnt get too overwhelming, which im sure it eventually will, i will be fine. things seem to be falling into place a little better here now. its nice to be out and see people you know instead of feeling like youre in a city full of strangers. now if i could only learn all their damn names.

i signed up to participate in a Bible study group at Athens church. i think it will be good for me assuming this isnt another one of those holier than thou kind of groups. i have to get up tomorrow evening and tell my story. im not sure what to say. in general my life has been pretty boring save about the last three or four years when it got a little too interesting for my taste. what do you say about yourself to a room full of strangers?

i shall figure it out later, for now ill pack up my crap and do the usual routine of crossword puzzle and bus ride. but for your entertainment, you luck assed reader you, some stop motion which is in short ammmaazing. cant get enough of this stuff, mostly because i know how hard it is to do and how awesome the end result is. enjoy!

just so happens to be one of my favorite songs as well
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_HXUhShhmY

this commercial is stunning. the making of is even more unbelievable, albeit not in English.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5Nu8bo2d-o

happy tuesday everyone!

im finding more and more that people feel the way i do. perhaps we place too high of expectations on college or perhaps theres just something we're all not getting. its probably a mixture between the two.

if youre one of those who doesnt feel like youve met too many new friends since you started, if youre the type who feels alone in such a crowded space believe me
youre not the only one.
i know a few others and im one of them too.
~~~~
the honeymoon period is over, school is definitely in full swing. the work is piling on and im stressed, but worst of all is i see the familiar patterns of last semester creaping out.

three weeks of r & r at home doesnt do shit, youre the same. the difference is we're all moving on with our lives. ive got other shit to do.

beauty in the breakdown

bored waiting for model to arrive. shes making me a little testy because her tardiness is preventing me from getting back to school. ill surely get caught in this so called blizzard we are apparently about to have. this weekend has been nice. after only a week and a half i was already looking for an out, which is pretty bad to be honest. but while its been nice to be home the weekend is short as they all are and passes much too quickly. i spent most of it stressing about undone items on my to do list. this semester intimidates the shit out of me and if i want it to run smoothly, it gives me no room for error. ive really just got to learn to let go a little bit. i know that whenever anything happens i place the full burden on myself and let it lie there until it dies. this is not a fair thing through which to put myself. plus its exhausting! any stress, anxiety or anger i have for any reason becomes a weight upon my shoulders that i lug with me wherever i go, it only gets worse as the situation worsens, and i cant do that to myself anymore. it is time that i allow myself to relax, and part of that goes with not allowing myself to be victimized so much. i let others take advantage of me; of my time, my patience, my property, my skills, my friendship. im out of rope and i really cant do it anymore. so if i say no when you ask me to do something for you, or if some of the things you associate with having me around slowly start to dissappear dont take it personally, it's personal.

currently listening to: roxanne-the police