Wednesday, June 14, 2006


its 9:43 on a muggy wednesday night in suburbia during the last summer of your life, do you know where your heart is?

i think i finally found mine.

its over im better now and now its game on. time to move on with my life cause Lord knows i've missed out on a few things because of my ADDness and inability to focus on what's truly important at times.

each day little things lead to little realizations that make me all the more aware that in 2 months im out of here and then who the hell knows where i go after that. i can be anything i want to be and although this is prospect is an amazing one, it scares the hell out of me.

like today im driving to alex's bday party and almost start crying because i realize my relationship with all my friends as i know it is about to be over. this is an obvious fact, but there are certain things in life you cant just know, you have to understand, to truly get the depth and severity of the matter.

i have come to another realization. (as i often do, i suppose, im just too emo and deep thinking like that...im like your own little redheaded ghandi if you will) at some time in your life, you reach a point where you know everything there is to know. you understand the consequences of your actions, life lessons, etc. people always say that personal experiences have taught them what they need to know about life, but this is false. we already know everything we need to know as far as our selves are concerned. we know fully well how certain relationships will affect us, or how our actions will affect others, or all those other cause and effect things of life. but we lie to ourselves. we say this time is different or this person is different or i can turn this situation around even when we know its all falsities. we lie to ourselves and we do it anyway. we spite ourselves. and after the fact, after we've hurt ourselves and tortured ourselves with heartache and jealousy and bitterness and harsh words and emotional baggage, after we've drug ourselves through the mud enough to really get dirty, we then realize that we were right. we knew how this would end up all along, but we sacrifice ourselves for that little hope, that false optimism, that tells us we can make it different. so as far as gaining experience with the world and with people and all that jazz is concerned, you don't need it. you already know all that you will ever need to know. the challenge is truly understanding when to listen to that voice inside your head. cause in the end its the voice that really knows all. we just like to rebell and ignore it.

"you'll never truly find the answer until you immerse yourself in the question"

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