i cant believe im censoring my own f-ing blog.

these are my thoughts and how i feel and now im deleting them, as if i havent lost enough feeling already. yesterday i had to admit that something i thought meant a lot actually meant nothing, the stupid girl that i was thought differently.

i knew though. deep down i knew. its that whole thing, i think we know almost from birth everything we need to know, but we have this urge to lie to ourselves and make ourselves believe that once, just this once, things will be different. but it never is. fate always wins out in the end.

the mistake i knew i was making.

and actually i wasnt really sad until now. actually im not sad. im just pissed. pissed for giving the world and expecting nothing in return. pissed that im censoring my own feelings to cover someone's ass.

im sorry, you can get pissed at me for this entry. i dont care. i suppressed how i really felt for long enough because i didnt want to upset you. youre asking a lot of me. someone with less patience, forgiveness and general love would not be as submissive to helping you out. you owe me the world. i gave you mine.

this is what happens when you piss off a redhead.

i doubt the validity of everything now. its so easy to live in a lie so deeply that you convince yourself its the truth even when it isnt. so maybe no, i havent ever experienced someone loving me. no ive never had a real relationship. none of this was real.

let the critics roll she did it again. played the fool. congratulations your my new emotional baggage.

motionless wheel,
nothing is real,
wasting my time in the waiting line,
do you believe in what you see.

i knew it all along