man the days are flying and theres not enough time and in a week its gonna be my party and after that its all over and im supposed to move on with my life and such and it just doesnt work like that for me i dont think. im left wondering if with each word i am leaving these people the way i want to and are things working out the way they should and when will i ever see these people again and then theres always the inevitable truth that things will never be the same.

i guess it wouldnt hurt as much if i knew all my other friends were in the same boat as me, but the truth is even though they are going off to start a new life in a new place and its going to be really hard too, at least they initially have each other for support.

meanwhile, mr fabulous wants to start something (i think "cough cough, man thong") but the truth is even if i was interested, which i just dont think i am (maybe im wrong and if so feel free to correct me, but i dont think i should be feeling numb about all this right now and thats how i feel, i always thought there was supposed to be some kind of spark there, but now i am jaded and unsure of the likelihood of any kind of romantic notions in real life) i just dont have time right now. i feel like, even though this may be offensive to him, i just dont have the time right now to devote to something thats just getting started, when i feel like i owe it to the people ive known for 6 years to spend time and tie up lose ends with them. i just seems logical to me. i dont want to hurt anyone but i just dont think it would work anyway. i decided im not very good girlfriend material. i'll work on it.

so i sent kelley off today. she'll be back in a week and then its good as done for the bitchin babes.

if a friend is one soul dwelling in two bodies, then i cant get my mind off the fact that im about to get my soul taken away from me. this girl is not my best friend, she's not my confidant, shes not my partner in crime, shes not my prealgebra study buddy, shes not my swim coach, this girl is me. she is a part of me. i am not me when she is gone. she is me. she is me.

i am the person i am today because of what she has done for me and who she is to me. i owe her everything, but in the end it doesnt matter because thats what friends are for. i just hate the thought of us going off on our separate ways and finding replacements for each other, i know i know, there will never be replacements, but its just hard knowing that i cant just shoot across hwy 120 and sneak in her room while shes asleep at 1 in the afternoon and no one except the 1000000 cats notices that im even there.

in my talks with my friends i keep hearing that apparently i was the glue that always kept the group together throughout all our trials and tribulations. if this is true

what happens when the glue that holds everything together comes apart?

im a freaking mess right now. i feel like a fat ass cow yet i outright refuse to do anything about it. my room looks like a pack of squirells went insane inside. i cry everytime i get in the car b/c i like an idiot keep listening to that cd i have with all the saddest songs on it and it makes me get all scary girly emotional and stuff. i want to savor it all but endings are just so bittersweet.