

when my turn came
i was ashamed
when my turn came
i was ashamed
of her
ive been taking a trip into the past, not really out of my own wanting to do so, but just out of accident. random occurrences that take me back to places i didn't ask to go. i've been listening to all the wrong cds and songs. documents, people, pieces of art keep turning up that remind me of things id rather not remember. i went to the high school the other day, down D hall. I think ive forgotten everything about high school except senior year, so i thought of yearbook and cassaniti. and spring break and conversations in the car and psuedo Bible studies and my new computer and colvin and my internship and haigwood and my stupid fucking optimism about life as it continuously slapped me in the face for the next year and a half or possibly even up until now. i sat at my place at the desk as kirk explained to us his anxiety attacks and i remember sitting in that purple office with that south african lady, i think her name was diane. she told me to read a certain book, which i didnt. i was just another number on her list, im not so sure she ever really listened to me. as i took kirks paper work and there was a bustle in the office i saw in his face that he was fighting off one then and there and it made me want to cry. am i over all that now? i'd like to think it was just a faze but only time can tell. i think its quite possible to almost completely block out certain things in your mind to the point where you almost dont remember them at all...save when you hear the right song and youre back in your car in knoxville with tired eyes driving over the bridge, you can smell the cold concrete of the classroom you can feel the heat of the never ending summer sun outside. some days i can handle these memories and some days i cant, but they dont come around too often, just something about lately...im having a lot of trouble with myself lately. nothing new i suppose. i dont know what i want and i dont know what im expecting of myself. as usual im leaving all others out of my plans, choosing instead to pursue my own wants and needs. im just so sick of it all. i cant help sometimes but feel like i hate myself for what ive done in the past, who ive allowed myself to be and how i treat others now.
this is why i am stressed, it is not work, it is not school, it is not the quickly incoming summer, it is not the future, it is not the review, it is not the fact that i am blatantly out of shape. it is me. how can i be of any use or benefit to anyone else if i am not ok with who/how i am? and im afraid its never going to go away. why cant i just turn away from these things? why cant i just leave it alone?
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