the angie playlist.

due to increased ipod usage, ive started thinking about my absolute favorite songs which stand the test of time. so though im not sure why i decided to make a list of them and ill share it with you today. enjoy. (ps: leave your musical opinions at the door, if you care to refute then get your own blog...smooches!)

(no particular order)

_so contagiously-acceptance
_summer breeze-seals and croft
_funeral for a friend-elton john
_romulus-sufjan stevens
_when you come back down-nickel creek
_tiny vessels-death cab for cutie
_whiskey lullaby-allison kraus and brad paisley
_closing time-semisonic
-dont panic-coldplay
_the devil in the wishing well-five for fighting
_let go-frou frou
_no such thing-john mayer
_the remedy-jason mraz
_todays the day-aimee mann
_chances are-sheryl crow
_sparks-coldplay
_not myself-john mayer
_brothers on a hotel bed-death cab for cutie
_colorblind-counting crows
_cannonball-damien rice
_vienna-the fray
_here is gone-the goo goo dolls
_goodnight and go-imogen heap
_naked as we came-iron and wine
_the prettiest thing-norah jones
_constellations-jack johnson
_tonight tonight-smashing pumpkins
_ill be near you-ivy
_slow dancing in a burning room-john mayer
-the trapeze swinger-iron and wine
-true love waits-radiohead
_a bad dream-keane
_float on-modest mouse
_speak-nickel creek
_trying-lifehouse
_1979-smashing pumpkins
_mississippi-train
_blue-perfect circle

so yeah its not an exhaustive list and obviously im not very hardcore, but
thats me...

quasi fiction.

she wakes up in the box and wonders, is this it?

everyone says the life she left behind is much more routine and predictable than the one she has now. now you get to make your own decisions, they tell her. she wonders if this is really true. she thinks back over the past three days and the grandest decision she can credit herself to is a startling yet firm choice she made when she forwent a pop tart in favor of a cookie last night.

maybe life never really changes, she thinks, maybe its all just the same just different. higher stakes, more candles on the birthday cake, more wrinkles around the eyes, more hearbreak under the belt. maybe life is just one big high school all over again.

she wakes up in the box and wonders, is this it?

the letters are off the window, and from a girl who reveals little into her personal life this says a lot. the letters are off the window and a decision has been made. now what. the girl who sleeps next to the girl wakes up in the box too and wonders, is this it?

the girl thinks back to days gone by as she slathers some of that country crock shit on her bagel. she knows she shouldnt think back. it never accomplishes anything and it never helps, but nevertheless she does.

she thinks back to the times when she knew what her life was. the days when she laughed till she cried and she enjoyed the time she had with the ones she loved. she thinks about the regrets she had, the mistakes she made, the things she wishes she could erase and realizes even if she had the chance, she'd never take the bulk of it back. she thinks back to the time when the future was an ambiguous object off in the distance, so far away grasping it was unthinkable.

the girl sits in her desk with her butter-substitute-shit-covered bagel. the dark is only disrupted by the sharp glow of a desk lamp.

the girl realizes that this ambigious object way off in the distance, the future, is no longer far away. but unlike a road sign or a billboard, the future has not become clearer with decreasing distance. it remains its own illusive mystery, and rather than becoming clearer it simply adds components. components to take into account. pieces of an infinite puzzle that will never be solved because the pieces never stop coming.

she sits in her box with her shit bagel and her desk lamp and her dirty clothes and her dusty shelf and her color wheel and her exposed film and her trash can and she wonders if she should be here.

maybe this was all a mistake.

maybe it wasn't.

but maybe it was.

she sits in her box with her shit bagel and her sketchbook and her memories and her obscure dreams and her tube of wrinkle cream that says its going to make all her troubles go away and she wonders, what now?

the girl sleeping next to her took the letters off the window. the letters are off the window, that says something. a decision has been made. this is all too much for her and she, like the girl, has no idea what to do with this obscure object that is never in focus completely.

the future.

its not unlike the present and its very much not unlike the past. but it is neither the present nor the past, it is something else. unlike the shit bagel and the sketchbook and the color wheel and the desk lamp and the dirty clothes she cant put her finger on such a thing.

how scary are the things we cannot touch.

spring break.

If ive got my count right, 17 days till spring break. its sad that i have a countdown in college like this, but i cant wait to get back home. for some reason theres so much more to look forward to back down south than up here in the tennessee hills.

legacy.

i wanna leave a legacy
how will they remember me?
did i choose to love?
Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy


this song made me start thinking about the idea of a legacy. i suppose we often connect the idea of the legacy with death and dying and the impression we leave once we're gone from the earth. but i think a legacy doesnt have to wait until you die. maybe a legacy is the values and ideals you uphold in your everyday life. maybe no matter what kinds of mistakes you make, lines you cross, people you hurt, wrong things you say, false accusations you make, lies you tell its your overall self at the end of the day that really matters. we all have skeletons in our closets. we all make mistakes. we all get angry. we all throw our cell phones across the room...well some of us do. but at the end of the day its who you are as a person in general that people will remember. if you can look in the mirror and feel that you are loved, genuinely loved, then maybe thats all you need to leave the kind of legacy we all want deep inside.

discovery.

i think we all figured it out. its funny how much i realize every day more and more how much my life parallels with that of my friends. despite the fact that we live in different places, have different ideals and beliefs and basically live different lives, we have so much in commnon in what we're going through in life. this makes me realize that life is truly a universal kinds of thing. maybe at the end of the day we all have to go through and learn the same things, just in different versions.

its a been a long week but ultimately a good one. the first part was extremely stressful and busy, filled with drama (for once not in my own life) the middle was filled with a sense of calm and peace and fun and the end was filled with realizations and reasons to be excited about the days to come.

on the way to the gym dogs meet robyn and i had a deep talk. an odd time to have a deep talk for sure, but we did. i decided that its quite possible that the main root of almost all of our problems is issues with self esteem. i know, it sounds stupid and brings to mind those stupid videos in health class produced in 1992 about girls and bad body images and models in magazines and anorexia and such, but to me self esteem is much more than that. self esteem is knowing that you are better than some people or things out there in the world. self esteem is understanding who you are and believing that you deserve the good. self esteem is not settling. so maybe we've all just had some self esteem issues. we were scared we alone weren't good enough for those around us so we pretended to be something we weren't. we didn't like ourselves so we tried a new person out for size, a person at the end of the day we'd never want to be. we went back to those who hurt us before because we felt like we couldnt do any better. we lied because we didn't trust that we alone were enough for the ones who love us. we believed that we were too low for anyone to ever truly love us. we thought we didnt know who we were.

maybe its all just an issue of weak self concept. maybe thats the root of all evil. maybe im onto something with this one.

but somehow, despite all our different situations, it seems my friends and i stumbled upon these things at roughly the same time. and i think we all feel better for it.

this week has been very unproductive. but maybe it was productive, just in a different way. my life in tennessee is very mundane. classes keep me going. keep me up there too long and i swear to you i might go insane, but these visits home are what keep me motivated. they drive me back to the ones i love, the ones i may one day love, the people of my past, the people of my future and a land of opportunity. here in georgia i see myself for what i am. and i am someone here. i am not just the girl in your class, the redhead in you sorority, the girl sitting across the lunch counter from you. here i am a person, a human. i have an identity. i am real here. and it is here that i see myself for what i am. i reflect on my past and look forward to the future, i see myself growing up and changing and i feel my southern accent slathering on. it is here that i feel myself as a person and its almost like here is the only place i can truly see and make the changes i need to make. coming home is always a learning experience, and while i can regret many a weekend of doing nothing or doing nothing substantial in tennessee, i never ever regret coming home.

btw last night was good. got sat on by adam one too many times. watched some ba slam dunking. didnt get any beads unfortunately. but i did get some telekenisis action haha.

cant wait for spring break. 3 weeks and counting.

the new valentines manifesto

so last night i went back and read what i wrote last year on valentines day. the typical bitterness abounded. but this year i have no reason to be sad. the past few days were brutal and now i have no desire to do schoolwork yet again. but who cares, the important thing is im home and it feels great to be here. i finally slept soundly for the first time in weeks. the crick in my neck is gone. last night was a wonderful night. very cold but it was the perfect way to spend any evening and especially valentines day. so whats next? i dunno but im excited. uga tomorrow and saturday then back here for fun times with kelley and adam and jordan. plus hopefully plenty of good sleep. i needed this. i needed the revival that home provides for me. i needed to see that there is an end in sight and something to look forward to. this weekend will be good for me. its time to make some decisions. to figure some things out. im sure by the time i return to the knox ill have a different outlook about things. a different demeanor. a different idea.

i cant wait for clarity.

forgive and forget.

"It really doesn't matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on."

if it doesnt matter to you, should it matter to anyone? if you dont think anything of it then is it really that important? is it worth starting something when youd really just rather forget it ever happened?

so they tell me to forgive is to:

1. To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.
2. To renounce anger or resentment against.

forgiveness has definitely come into play in my life in recent times. whether it be me asking for forgiveness from trespasses ive committed against friends, me granting forgiveness to those who have wronged me, me wondering if the things ive done can in fact be forgiven or observing others in a struggle over who's wrong and who's right and who deserves the forgiveness its something i think we all should have a grander understanding of.

honesty is the best policy, but sometimes little lies save the ones we love from unneccesary hurt. if it doesnt matter to me, if its not important to me, if its something i wished had never been and would love nothing more than to forget, is it really even worth bringing up? maybe honesty isnt always the best policy, but theres a fine line. so how do you know? how do you know how much to say? what to keep to yourself? what to lock away because you never want to see it again and you certainly dont want anyone else to? what to conceal because you know others wouldnt approve?

at the end of the day its all a judgement call. a judgement call that if made incorrectly could have absolutely dire consequences. so there are really only two things we can do:

a. we hope we can make the right judgment call.
b. if we dont do a. we must hope those around us love us enough to look past our downfalls.

thats absolutely 100% totally and completely all you can do.

stop.

in other news i am running around like a mad woman because i basically have x hours left before my week ends and 5x hours worth of things to do. (you like that algebra? i know you do.) two exams i havent read for, a photo critique tomorrow morning and three compositions due in color theory. fuck me, seriously.

oh well it all ends up well i should hope. im so unbelievably excited for wednesday-sunday. i think good things will go down and good times will be had for all, or at least lets hope so.

for now im off to hopefully put a nickel-sized dent in my laundry list of lovely things to do.

"i think i've got a lot to look forward to"

Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected
And I can tell that I've been moving in so slow
Don't let it throw you off too far
Cause I'll be running right behind you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously


four more days. i can do this. the next few days are going to suck ass though. so much to do and no drive to do it. but theres a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for those who are willing to trudge onward i suppose. the past few weeks, despite the boredom and melancholy of winter have been amazing. for once in my life i feel happy in an unconflicted way. i dont feel like i have to make excuses or hide things or be sketchy, im happy and people are happy with me, and happy for me.

the realization ive come to is that the past is just that: the past. you dont have to let whats happened to you or what youve done in the past dictate how you live the rest of your life...that my dear is up to you today. soooo...

i dont owe anyone anything. i did what i could. i tore myself apart. and im over that now.

ive made mistakes. but im over them too. so leave me alone about it. if i dont ever want to repeat it again, if i dont ever want to talk about it again, if i dont ever want to think about it again, thats a choice i have the right to make.

i want stability now. i want constancy...thats not to say i want my life to be boring or uneventful, but im tired of being pushed to the limits in every aspect of myself...one can only do that for so long. i need unconditional love because thats what im trying to learn how to give. im fortunate to have a few friends who know how to give it as well.


so im going to move forward now. i dont know whats going to happen. its scary, but its neccesary...and i think ive got a lot to look forward to.

Mean Girls: Not a Movie, It's Our Lives.

I'd like to take a moment to explain why romance, chivalry and just plain love is dead. i hope the people quoted here never see this, because as you can tell, they can and would kick my ass any day of the week.

Ok girls, so we complain about how much we long for and never will receive what we believe we deserve from guys. we say we want romance, chivalry, we want to have those special warm feelings inside that can only come from special interaction with and attention from that special someone in our lives.

Now that's all well and good...but here's the issue: guys would probably totally go for this too. They might give us what we believe we deserve. They might take us out on dates, pay for our meals, hold the door for us, ask US out, not try to rape us every five seconds, they might try to do all these sweet gentlemanly things for us, but they often don't. Any thoughts on why they dont? Allow me to enlighten you.

These are direct quotes taken from girls on my friend list's profiles: (please dont kill me people im quoting, its for the greater good of female humanity):

"My name is _. I am a very straight-up person. I get what a want and I say what I mean.I like to drink rum with my friends and I love to dance. I'm a very laid back person and I keep it down on the earth. If you want to know more... just ask bitch!! :)"

"[I hate] two-faced bitches. I dont take shit off anyone, so dont try to give me any. I can get along with pretty much anyone unless theyve done me dirty in the past."


I'm sorry...what? Seriously, what is this, I don't know about you, but I don't want to mess with these girls...if this is what they say on facebook imagine what they could do to you in real life...they could tear you apart!

So lets revisit the question: why aren't guys all we want them to be? Well first of all I think we expect a little too much out of the guys, its hard to do everything, so i completely understand and sympathize with that. But why aren't guys chivalrous? Why don't they ask us on dates? What happened to old fashioned romance? I'll tell you what happpened, girls became insane psycho killers of men, they became bitches who are "straight-up" and "don't take shit off of anyone". Now who wants to put their heart out there and be vulnerable to girls who extend this kind of demeanor? No sensible boy would, i know if i was a boy, i wouldnt.

Face it girls, we are scary and until we get our acts together and calm the hell down, we're not moving forward at all in our quest for love.

if you want a gentleman, be a lady, thats all im trying to say. and men, take heart, we want you to do those nice things for us, but i wholeheartedly agree in you lack of gusto for this kind of thing when the ladies are running around like wild animals on the prowl.

lets trade bitch slaps and verbal blows for hugs and compliments. i assure you the world would be a better place.

1 year broken hearted
But now his ghost is finally gone
Done with broken people
This is me
I'm working on (cause I know)

Good love is on the way
I've been lonely but I know' I'll be ok
Good love is on the way

Good to go for wherever I'm needed
Bags are packed and I’m
Down by the door
You can take all the tricks up my sleeve
I don't need them anymore

oh jmay how i love thee. another amazing concert in an incredibly ghetto sketchy venue. im basically drifting from day to day at this point. counting the days until the next big thing...a long weekend in georgia, spring break, summer. a case of the febuary duldrums i suppose, but good love is on the way.

back to you.

i made it through monday relatively unharmed, albeit covered in printing ink. its cold as balls up here. im ready for spring...thinner clothes equals more room in my closet. im ready to be able to go out at night and feel my extremities. to wear flip flops. to see green.

meanwhile im living in a day to day world of nonworking dvds, trips to kroger to get bagels, the fray and the garden state soundtrack, my favorite jeans getting a hole in the worst of places, i love new york, running errands, washing dishes, returning emails, getting dressed up, praying that im doing the right thing, staying up late having conversations about everything, making plans for the rest of the semester, wondering if i should feel more sad right now, dishing photographic advice, fridays three course combos, west town mall, gloves and sweaters, finally getting a photographic start here in knoxville, dream furniture shopping, sleeping all day, trying to be more creative, contemplating transfer, being excited for valentines for the first time in my life, lesbian wedding interviews, picture messaging belton, getting random and unexpected mail that gives me closure, finally feeling it once again and the darkroom.

its amazing what happens when you just throw it all down on the table, unfold your white flag and say "i surrender". its never a done deal, its a process, a cycle that you must forge day after day, but if you have it in you to do it, i think it has a lot to offer. so as much as it kills me to know someone out there doesnt think well at all of me anymore, and more importantly that ive lost a friend, a great friend, an important friend. but maybe thats what had to happen. maybe thats how far it had to go for me to understand. maybe i had to leave and experience unconditional love from a higher and greater source than us all before i could ever expect to give it back to a friend and to receive it anymore. so i guess you sacrifice some things to do what He wants. you might lose a friend. you might not live where you want for a while. but in the end, you get whats best.

i feel much more at peace with myself than i did a week ago. most of the circumstances right now say i shouldnt feel at peace, but i do.

the rest will work itself out in time, if thats what its meant to do.

: )

wisdom and discernment.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you
rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and
lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is
easy, and my burden is light." Matt. 11:28

the general consensus with me seems to be: "do whatever you need to do."

so what do i need to do? this is such an important decision directed toward me in such a short amount of time. i cant handle it, it pulls at me from both directions all the time. i suppose it would be important to talk to the parents about all of this. if i left it could solve many problems. it could also create quite a few. whenever i feel like i have my final answer, i feel like ive finally got it, something else creeps right in and i realize this is never going to be quick painless and easy.

and i just keep thinking, this is my life! shouldn't i allow myself the privelage of being happy? four years isnt that long, but thats four years of my life! ill never get over the idea of thinking how it might have been, if only, if only.

i cant let this be in my hands anymore, this is too big of an issue for me. im not strong enough to carry the weight of this one.

ive gotta let it go.

there's so many things i have to let go. leave it up to someone greater and wiser than me to work out in time.

kinda makes me want to punch a wall or something.

but that would hurt so im not going to.

especially considering my walls are made of cinder block.

there is much to do this weekend, but not too terribly much i actually want to do this weekend.

meanwhile, despite the fact that i have a hummer sized honker of an issue weighing me down, im feeling really good. all things considered i suppose i should probably feel sad and like shit after some of the events of this week, but i dont. beating myself up and being sad over things which i have no control of is not going to help me get where i want to be, and any changes i make in myself should be for me and me alone. not to please or fulfill the wishes of someome else. ive come to realize trying to please people (and i suppose this is certain types of people moreso than others) is basically futile and impossible. and in the end, maybe its not worth it. i think as long as youre pleasing the majority of the people who matter to you, then youre golden, because maybe the rest of the people who matter to you, have the wrong ideas about how you should be or how to convey to you how you should be...if that made any sense.

so despite the fact that i have a hummer sized honker of an issue weighing me down, i feel like in some ways a weight has been lifted. its an exciting thing to think about. so exciting in fact, i ran a 7 minute mile on thursday at the gym. again, i feel the need to reiterate that i dont run, and i certainly dont run 7 minute miles. the mood has to strike me haha.

so thats where we are. waiting. contemplating. working toward change. prying my fingers off the issues and reminding myself to just let it go.

give it up.

in the 7th grade i played piano at a thing called federation. it was where you memorized a piece and played it in front of a judge and they gave you a certificate that told you what level of excellence you recieved.

i worked for months to memorize my piece. i practiced at least 30 minutes everyday, and by the time federation came around, I could play the thing backwards and forwards no trouble.

when the day came, i went into the little room with the judge and sat down at the piano. the notes came easily to me as i began to play the piece. then, as if they got bored and left, the notes stopped coming. i couldn't find my place in my mental sheet music and i couldnt remember a thing. panic set in. there was nothing i could do. there was no one there to help me. my teacher wasnt there, my music wasnt there, hell, my mom wasnt there. all eyes were on me and i was failing miserably. after fumbling through what little fragments of the piece i could remember, i literally ran out of the building.

all eyes on me.

so i find myself feeling very similar today. i pushed the buttons as far as they would go, and now i am reaping the results. there's only one way to find my true self again after all this time, to get back all ive lost, to feel whole again. but that means giving it all up. just throwing everything i've got onto the table and saying "this is all i am and im giving it to You". that means giving up control. this means letting go of some aspects of my life. and sometimes i suppose it takes a few close calls and losing something thats very important to you to realize the damage youre capable of doing. its a sad thing, but its the truth.

so ive talked and talked and talked about all these changes i want to make. this person i want to become, but its all just talk.

and now i find myself sitting on the piano bench again six years later. all eyes are on me. i cant talk to anyone about it, thats not going to make it better. no one could possibly understand what im talking about anyway. i have no teacher or guide to help me make it through, just a few close friends who will help me, but even they can only do so much...they cant do it for me. and i dont have all my friends, ive lost a few in the shuffle, and that kills me to think about, but whats done is done and cant be undone.

i find myself sitting on the piano bench and this thing has been talked to death and theres nothing else to say or think about or contemplate its just a simple matter of getting on with my life and transforming myself according to His purpose.

no sheet music, no teachers, no mom, just me.