wisdom and discernment.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you
rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and
lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is
easy, and my burden is light." Matt. 11:28

the general consensus with me seems to be: "do whatever you need to do."

so what do i need to do? this is such an important decision directed toward me in such a short amount of time. i cant handle it, it pulls at me from both directions all the time. i suppose it would be important to talk to the parents about all of this. if i left it could solve many problems. it could also create quite a few. whenever i feel like i have my final answer, i feel like ive finally got it, something else creeps right in and i realize this is never going to be quick painless and easy.

and i just keep thinking, this is my life! shouldn't i allow myself the privelage of being happy? four years isnt that long, but thats four years of my life! ill never get over the idea of thinking how it might have been, if only, if only.

i cant let this be in my hands anymore, this is too big of an issue for me. im not strong enough to carry the weight of this one.

ive gotta let it go.

there's so many things i have to let go. leave it up to someone greater and wiser than me to work out in time.

kinda makes me want to punch a wall or something.

but that would hurt so im not going to.

especially considering my walls are made of cinder block.

there is much to do this weekend, but not too terribly much i actually want to do this weekend.

meanwhile, despite the fact that i have a hummer sized honker of an issue weighing me down, im feeling really good. all things considered i suppose i should probably feel sad and like shit after some of the events of this week, but i dont. beating myself up and being sad over things which i have no control of is not going to help me get where i want to be, and any changes i make in myself should be for me and me alone. not to please or fulfill the wishes of someome else. ive come to realize trying to please people (and i suppose this is certain types of people moreso than others) is basically futile and impossible. and in the end, maybe its not worth it. i think as long as youre pleasing the majority of the people who matter to you, then youre golden, because maybe the rest of the people who matter to you, have the wrong ideas about how you should be or how to convey to you how you should be...if that made any sense.

so despite the fact that i have a hummer sized honker of an issue weighing me down, i feel like in some ways a weight has been lifted. its an exciting thing to think about. so exciting in fact, i ran a 7 minute mile on thursday at the gym. again, i feel the need to reiterate that i dont run, and i certainly dont run 7 minute miles. the mood has to strike me haha.

so thats where we are. waiting. contemplating. working toward change. prying my fingers off the issues and reminding myself to just let it go.