discovery.

i think we all figured it out. its funny how much i realize every day more and more how much my life parallels with that of my friends. despite the fact that we live in different places, have different ideals and beliefs and basically live different lives, we have so much in commnon in what we're going through in life. this makes me realize that life is truly a universal kinds of thing. maybe at the end of the day we all have to go through and learn the same things, just in different versions.

its a been a long week but ultimately a good one. the first part was extremely stressful and busy, filled with drama (for once not in my own life) the middle was filled with a sense of calm and peace and fun and the end was filled with realizations and reasons to be excited about the days to come.

on the way to the gym dogs meet robyn and i had a deep talk. an odd time to have a deep talk for sure, but we did. i decided that its quite possible that the main root of almost all of our problems is issues with self esteem. i know, it sounds stupid and brings to mind those stupid videos in health class produced in 1992 about girls and bad body images and models in magazines and anorexia and such, but to me self esteem is much more than that. self esteem is knowing that you are better than some people or things out there in the world. self esteem is understanding who you are and believing that you deserve the good. self esteem is not settling. so maybe we've all just had some self esteem issues. we were scared we alone weren't good enough for those around us so we pretended to be something we weren't. we didn't like ourselves so we tried a new person out for size, a person at the end of the day we'd never want to be. we went back to those who hurt us before because we felt like we couldnt do any better. we lied because we didn't trust that we alone were enough for the ones who love us. we believed that we were too low for anyone to ever truly love us. we thought we didnt know who we were.

maybe its all just an issue of weak self concept. maybe thats the root of all evil. maybe im onto something with this one.

but somehow, despite all our different situations, it seems my friends and i stumbled upon these things at roughly the same time. and i think we all feel better for it.

this week has been very unproductive. but maybe it was productive, just in a different way. my life in tennessee is very mundane. classes keep me going. keep me up there too long and i swear to you i might go insane, but these visits home are what keep me motivated. they drive me back to the ones i love, the ones i may one day love, the people of my past, the people of my future and a land of opportunity. here in georgia i see myself for what i am. and i am someone here. i am not just the girl in your class, the redhead in you sorority, the girl sitting across the lunch counter from you. here i am a person, a human. i have an identity. i am real here. and it is here that i see myself for what i am. i reflect on my past and look forward to the future, i see myself growing up and changing and i feel my southern accent slathering on. it is here that i feel myself as a person and its almost like here is the only place i can truly see and make the changes i need to make. coming home is always a learning experience, and while i can regret many a weekend of doing nothing or doing nothing substantial in tennessee, i never ever regret coming home.

btw last night was good. got sat on by adam one too many times. watched some ba slam dunking. didnt get any beads unfortunately. but i did get some telekenisis action haha.

cant wait for spring break. 3 weeks and counting.