feelin the same way all over again.

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend out days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang out heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

with the familiar territory of home comes the old as well. old feelings. old memories. old places. old people. there is both good and bad within this spectrum of things. retiring to my room tonight i stopped to look out our front window. the front window that up until august i passed every night for the past 7 years. each night i looked outside before i made my way up the stairs to wear my purple paradise surely awaited me. the scene tonight was unique, as each night is different from the last or any others past or future, but it had the characteristics of any late november night i knew. cool glass. bare tree in the front yard. faded grass bathed in the orange of the streetlight. it made me remember all those 5am mornings. smell of chlorine. the prayer that granville would somehow get lost on the way to the pool and we all could go home to sleep for just another 30 minutes or so. it made me remember the nights i sat down in the cold basement staying up way too late because i wanted to be there. almost dying at school the next day because i was so tired. but damn it was always worth it.

and as life and all its cycles take their course i cant help but feel the same way all over again. i just keep digging my own grave. and i deal with it. but at some point i have to search for something more permanent in my life. something that i know will last past a stupid fight. something i can talk about. something i dont have to talk about. and i keep telling myself the truth is angie you are a stupid stupid girl. you say one thing and you do exactly the opposite. you say never and then you go for it. do you honestly think success is reached this way? you need to get over your self and stop believing that people need you. no one really needs you because no one really needs anyone. you need to stop wishing for things that wont happen and chasing half-assed dreams. you need to get the fuck over it and you need to get the fuck over yourself. you are hurting yourself everyday and you dont know what the hell to do about it.

everybody's got their demons. their flaws. their hubris. try as you may it will never really go away. you can run but you cant hide. you can attempt but you will fail.

lets talk about this in the morning.