see thats the problem with these things. you write something in the heat of the moment then regret it later. i just wanted to talk to someone last night, but didnt have enough sense in my arguments to actually call someone up to chat. so i come here, let it all out and then regret it in the morning.


ughh

some things never fade.

well between taking some awful pictures, having a crazy mental breakdown in front of my mom, barely showing up for/doing work and sufficiently bitching out my boyfriend ive just been a truly model citizen this week.

so what do i do?

sit alone in my house eating trader joe's chocolate chip cookies which will make it all better, of course.

ok im shutting the cookie box. this is just getting gross.

the flower pictured above was one of several sitting in my room when i got home from hawaii. i had just gotten home from an amazing trip and then i got flowers. why did i get flowers? i didnt do a thing to deserve them. but i got flowers.

you know in the movies when the protagonist is confronting another character, calling them out for their behavior, and they just say one simple thing and it has such a huge impact on the other character that it changes their behavior? i cant think of any good examples but it happens in a lot of movies. i always thought that was a pretty unrealistic thing because i feel like if someone actually made a profound statement like that to someone, the person being called out would just argue back and there would be no profound life changing experience. but maybe it really does happen. i mean im not going to promise that ill be making any huge life changes soon, but (long story) after crying for probably almost an hour over something as simple as a doctors appointment, coupled with the dinner conversation jbomb and i had about how uncertain i was about my future and how i worried myself sick over it on a regular basis, he leaned over me in my bed and looked me in the eye and said "angie you're nineteen years old. its ok to not have it all figured out."

i know i know, simple statement. one ive probably made to myself hundreds of times. but something about the context of this whole situation, the timing, maybe even the place, made it so much more profound. i cry today just thinking of that moment.

and once again i do not deserve this. i dont deserve the flowers or the dinners or the support and care and affection.

this is not something someone told me.
this is not how someone made me feel.
this is how i made me feel.
this is something ive felt my entire life.
current situations arent really making that feeling lessen. because now i feel like i have so many gifts in my life and so many things for which i should be very thankful.

but then i look at myself and realize how ungrateful i am for it all. i sometimes act like its always going to be there no matter what i say or do. its ok angie, step all over it, youve got the fuckin world on a string, itll always be at your fingertips.

i see myself being manipulative and moody.

its like looking in the mirror and seeing this ugly face. attempting to mask it with every potion known to man.

but some things never fade.

i have a feeling i might make my life easier by just deleting this whole entry.