i realized last night that i dont really want to sit in a desk in atlanta all summer. fight traffic just to go home and do it again. i also realized for the first time that my mom doesnt want me to want that either.
maybe living vicariously through your kids isnt always such a bad thing.
i have plenty of reading to be doing which is why im sitting here writing instead. the above is something ive been working on. (apologies for the shitty color conversions and condensing) talking to jordan the other day made me realize that it is far too early to be giving up on myself, and if indeed i am going to give up on myself then i probably shouldnt spend yet another semester chasing a dream if i dont have one. so im flexing my creative muscles a bit, trying to center myself once again in hopes that something good may come from it. i keep telling myself that i hate graphic design, but working on this project as well as my recent redesigned logo and branding for my photography has made me realize i just hate being in school for graphic design. they really are two completely different things.
im beginning to get the feeling that my competitive drive leaves me somewhat misunderstood with those around me. people tell me all the time they are jealous that i know what i want to do with my life, or at least have a pretty solid idea. believe me, its nothing to envy because once you know what you want to do, then you end up spending all the time others are spending trying out new things and figuring themselves out chasing your dream. im not sure i have it in me to spend the rest of my life in a cubicle (nothing against cubicles, theyre just so confining, and dont generally have a nice view), by the same token i dont want to spend the rest of my life in a box on the street (also confining, possibly better view--just depends on where you place your box i suppose). my completely virgo-esque psychotic obsessive perfectionist way of remedying the pull between the two is to claw at this like nobody's business. that is probably the part people dont understand. i wake up in the morning thinking about these things, planning, thinking of ways to make myself, my skills, my mind better conditioned for what i want to do. im guessing about 99.9999% of people dont take it this far. they dont understand because they dont think this way. they are extremely lucky and probably sleep better at night.
my parents just didnt raise me like that.
but it doesnt matter. its not about my parents, its about me and my future. when (and dammit if) i graduate, i want to look forward to everything ahead of me, not just some things but everything. because if i have to get up every morning and go to a job i hate knowing that its leading nowhere i will kick myself EVERYDAY for not doing EVERYTHING i could to make things different.
so that is why i spend most weekends in hotel conference rooms and country club ballrooms.
thats why im not around physically (or mentally) much of the time.
thats why i act like a fifty year old managing my own psuedo-business out of my college apartment.
thats why i worry about getting into school.
thats why i worry about money.
that eighteen year old girl, the one who wanted to live in new york city and work for vogue and take over the world with her camera and her art and her psuedo-bohemian ideals
shes still here.
she might be different and changed and maybe not think all of the same things or see the world in quite the same perspective, but shes still here, fighting for what belongs to her.
thats why.
You can flee with your wounds just in time or lie there as he feeds
Watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed
So for those of you falling in love keep it kind
Keep it good
Keep it right
Throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night
I'm about to watch the second presidential debate.
i wonder if i should even bother.
i suppose its a better option than studying for my geography midterm.
i speak in such a tone not because i feel that politics are futile, ive registered to vote, ive sent in my absentee ballot. when i receive it, i'll mark it with my choices via check mark or bubbled scantron or chads of whatever the hell they do now.
does it really matter though?
im not questioning democracy or the right of the individual to vote and the power of that individual vote, as i stated before, i will be voting in this election.
but do our actions really do anything to ward off the inevitable?
are we living in the end times?
like it or not i was born and raised and born again a Southern Baptist. while in my latter youth i have adopted a more moderate perspective on religion, i still uphold many of the things ive believed all my life. and believe me, us Baptists love all that fire and brimstone and shit.
i dont get into religion much here because i know there are people out there reading this. not that it should matter, but i know its a controversial topic, and i dont want anyone passing judgment.
but really though, are we living in the end times?
all signs point to yes, just google it.
but by the same token, look back at history. depending on your interpretations of the text all signs could point to yes at almost any given time.
but hearing about russia and the economic crisis and the gas crisis and north korea and the congo and nuclear warfare and terrorism...well its just not quite so settling for the soul.
at the end of the day no one knows when the end of the world will be, or how it will go down, or perhaps if it will even occur at all, though most scholars and scientists agree that at some point some serious shit is gonna fly. the thought is far too much to handle for me. i like to believe that i will see the day i graduate college (though it appears to be sliding further and further from my grasp), the day i get married, have children, retire. i like to think that the work i am doing to day is in order to better myself in the future. i like to think its not all in vain.
i guess thats what suicide bombers think too.
so perhaps im being ignorant for turning the other cheek when it comes to some of these issues. perhaps that makes me unamerican. but i sleep at night. for someone with as much anxiety as i have its a valid enough excuse. global issues are important, politics are important, this election is of utmost importance, but i cant live my life in fear...for who knows how much longer any of us have to do so.
Ahoy there, I'm supposed to be studying for the midterm I have today so that I can go take it, go to a review session for the one I have tomorrow, and do it all over again! School and I don't mix so well these days, I honestly believe I expended all my academic energies in high school. I'm out of steam folks. No but really, I can't focus for anything, I'd really just rather be taking or retouching pictures i suppose. My adviser politely reminded me that I have two and a half years left here....ugh dont remind me about how im going to be here alone for a year. what am i going to do? better still, wtf are my friends going to be doing? theyll be out in the real world and such, a scary thought for sure, one i cant quite get my head around yet...so i wont.
even though its only midway through the semester, spring semester is already weighing heavily on my mind. if i dont make it into my program i could be here for three years or more trying to figure out what to do next. i have no backup plan, my backup plan is to not screw it up in the first place. perusing christian(who is now in the program at ut as if there was ever any doubt)'s blog, i thought a little bit about him and who i remember him to be. obviously he is extremely good at what he does, but other than natural talent, what makes him that way? can i break me off a piece of that for meself? we're working on this drawing now, and we've got to inject some meaning into it. im thinking back to my design classes and ut and having to make statements about politics or society or personal convictions. im thinking to my own photographic work, fallen by the wayside of weddings and cookie cutter work. and then its all clear to me what christian has that i dont, and perhaps the greatest thing that separates me from two and a half years, to three plus: i dont care about anything. ok, to be fair i do care about some things, but i dont have convictions, view points, i dont have something i want to tell the world about, im not trying to shed light on something people didnt realize or at least ignored before. and if there is one thing school has taught me a million times over, it is that the function of the artist is to bring to light something that needs to be seen and heard, to question ideas, to come up with new ones, to challenge conventions (or sometimes play into them) to prove a point?
do i have a point?
i know ive got something there inside me, i may not be a genius, but surely theres something other than apathy running around in my brain. what do i care about other than passing my classes and not screwing up relationships with those around me?
perhaps this is truly the first step in the artistic process. save your pencils and paper for later.
is it because i am a cultural idiot? how does one become cultured anyway? is it as simple as listening to npr constantly and reading nietzsche and then you can call it done? how do people learn all this stuff?
it appears ive got to find something to believe in and then go from there. and i guess that starts with me not caring so much about what people think about what i think.
i think this weekend i'll find my old little moleskine and start writing again.
in other news, i spent the better part of last weekend inundated with projects that didnt belong to me. frustrated with having to copy copyrighted images and creating logos that graphically didn't make sense i became angry with myself for allowing these things to be placed upon me. making new friends has been difficult because most girls are bitches and few care. the whole thing is quite frustrating. however the other day in the midst of my frustrations, I realized that I have a great example of how to be right in front of me: my boyfriend. i dont know anyone who doesnt like him. hes one of the kindest hearted people i know, and at the end of the day, people do appreciated his kindness and recognize it. he would give you the shirt off his back if he knew it would do something to help, and he doesnt think twice about it. perhaps it is not important to make bold statements of purpose or charm crowds with my extreme wit or knowledge.
maybe i need to just take a hint from someone right in front of me and just be nice. karma pays its way eventually right? i think so.
thats all the rantings and poorly punctuated sentences for today. im feeling so completely uninspired by my music collection lately that ive stopped listening altogether...suggestions are more than welcome : )
toodles