fin.

well not really. i still have 2 test finals next week, and I actually have to do really good on both of them, but i dont really care as long as i can get through tomorrow. tomorrow is THE day, the day ive been waiting for for the better part of three years now. all the stress, the work, the tears, the confusion has come down to this incredibly subjective and frankly irrelevant and outdated process. but i dont get to pick how the process works, i just have to go with it. its funny because een though i should have been working or if nothing else feeling more stress i have an overwhelming sense of calmness today. not so calm that im not getting my stuff done or doing a bad job on my stuff, but the perfect level of calm. i can honestly say that i have no real preference as to the outcome of this whole thing. obviously ive worked very hard to get here so i would want to have that rewarded by getting into the program, but if that doesnt work out, there are positive aspects to not getting in as well. i think ive become settled with the fact that i have almost no control over the whole situation and that i shouldnt put all my eggs in one basket. so this is me, going with the flow...a new and foreign concept for me to be sure, but im ready to try it out for size. i should know the results in a few days, but just say a little prayer for me tonight that all my projects and i make it to class tomorrow in one piece, thats the most i can ask for.

should we be concerned?

theres a swine flu spreading around the world, experts say it could be a new pandemic.

theres a man running around somewhere having killed three people, they still havent caught him and for all i know hes in my yard though my guess is that hes dead somewhere.

the economy has yet to recover and people are scrambling for jobs.

quasi socialism?

ok, the news is now officially off my list of acceptable programs to watch, if i have to parental block it i will. but even as such, current events are more or less unavoidable.

ill be the first to say that i am one of those people. i am crazy. i believe in a lot of the conspiracy theories that float around like the NWO theory and others. i believe that the world is crumbling beneath us and has been for a while. i wish i could stop believing this because its not exactly a rosy outlook for life, but i cant really help it at this point, im scared shitless. forgive me for my many conservatively-slanted parnoid entries lately, but like i said, i am one of those people. believing in the Bible as i do and interpreting it in a way that is standard with the bounds of my denomination, my hope is that if the world goes to shit, i wont be here, for if i have made myself right with God i will be taken beforehand, but seriously i dont want to see the world like that, even before it gets really bad. i suppose thats why heaven exists, to reveal how shitty the world actually is, but so far the world has been decent, and i dont want to have horrible memories of anywhere, im not too keen on seeing some global failure going down, i prefer it when things are going well. but then again who doesn't?

am i beginning to sound like andy rooney? oh geez.

so other than avoiding anything with headlines or news of any kind on it, ive been busting tail on paintings. my optimism waxes and wanes depending upon what project i am completing. some days i am convinced i have a chance, other days i dont even want to get even if i did, others i feel like everything i do is horrible and still yet others i am plagued by an uncertain future regardless of outcome.

but the swine flu and the NWO or lack thereof and the crazy marketing prof and the outcome of my review are pretty much out of my hands. and its high time to let those things go and live. if i want to see the world as something beautiful, if i want to experience it before i go, whenever that may be, then i must must must live my life.

but first
i must paint
a lot
thats one thing i do have control over lol.

i have seen the end and it is beautiful.

i have been listening to massive attack and other various trip-hoppery and now feel as if i am tripping myself. probably that in combination with writing papers on Shining Ocean Wild Smart Salmon Kenyan Coffee Barbecue flavor (idk if this sounds appealing to you but it sounds like vomit to me personally, and im the one thats gotta promote it) and the ever-wonderful Death of Sarpedon (which is what is should be doing now). whatevs. i can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel which is what ive longed for all this time i can finally see the day when i know where my future lies, the one variable that secures all the others.

the above is a short little series i finished last week for the digital section of my photo class. we had to do some type of narrative. so i returned to my miss-colvin-induced english roots and went for it. i wanted to create a story to depict my relationship with the medium. despite some technical issues (being the photog and not being able to see at all is slightly more than difficult) it was fun. it was nice to shoot something a little more fine art in the digital medium and return a little bit back to myself and the way me and my art used to be. over spring break caitlyn, kelley and i were discussing my image versus reality series from senior year and with a few finangles here and there (and absolutely none in some cases) every single image in that series was, is or became true. im a motherfucking prophet. youre welcome. ill go ahead and clarify questions that are sure to be asked about the above pictures:

1. hells yes that is a ladysmith black mambazo poster
2. i am aware that the lens cap is in and out of attendence in these pictures...careless accident
3. try checking out that last image in 8x10 size hanging up on your classroom wall at 8am, youll want to vomit just as much as i did. my face is even redder than usual due to scraping of spray paint off my face. this was a painful project
4. yes i like purple
5. its quite apparent im not an actress
6. yes sometimes we eat cereal at night, but never at that table


so there you have it. my vulnerability on a plate. this project isnt exactly my baby or anything, but a step in the right direction, so you can feel free to botch and butcher it with comments as much as youd like, id like to know what maybe some nonart people think.

days like these i am reminded that i have something important to say. something that matters and something that should be said. the past few years have been a building process. building my skill level, my confidence and bringing myself back to a state i was once in.

and when i get there

you will know

numb.

did i ever tell you i HATE going to the doctor? the nurses and doctors don't seem to understand what im talking about when i tell them i have anxiety about the doctor. they act like i am two and tell me that the doctor's going to be really really nice and gentle with me. i want to smack them in the face because they obviously dont understand why i feel this way and whats gotten me to this point. its the reason im going to have to get one of those medical bracelets, its the reason i have panic attacks whenever listening to someone talk to me in their office, its the reason i HATE going to the doctor. house, bannana, bicycle, dog carrot ha! i still have the list memorized.

i think my doctor is convinced something is wrong with my brain. im hoping not. i think this doctor enjoys scaring the shit out of people on purpose. really helpful lady. nevertheless i think limbs going numb is a problem and probably not just the miniscule result of stress as some friends have hypothesized. webmd is so not helpful unless you want to scare the shit out of yourself. according to it i have a tumor growing on my spine. sweet.

good has come of this though. ive had a lot more time to relax this week and have been taking advantage of it. last night i went out to dinner and watched a movie. i dont know how long its been since i was able to do those things.

school cannot come to an end sooner.

complacency

feeling very complacent today, getting blood sucked from your veins and hours of staring at proto attic amphoras will do that to you i guess. in case it wasnt already evident i am so ready for this semester to be over its starting to hurt. ive been doing pretty good all semester long, but im not so sure ive got 4 weeks of energy left in me. my mind matches the current condition of all my limbs: numb. if someone could fix either of these things i would be most appreciative.

i found a cool new website so you know ive been staring at that all day instead of doing what im supposed to. there are so many extremely talented people out there, i often wonder if there is any room for someone like me.

ugh this entry has been completely not productive. much like me. off to bask in more belly-handled amphoras.