Dog eared.

"1968: Do not resent her. Think about the situation, for instance, when you take the trash bag from its box: you must throw out the box by putting it in that very trash bag. What was once contained, now must contain. The container, then, becomes the contained, the enveloped, the held. Fine more and more that you like to muse over things like this." -How to Talk to Your Mother (Notes) by Lorrie Moore

I usually dont mark or mar my books up, i figure the abuse they suffer in my backpack everyday is far enough, but i did dog ear this page in my 30/30 book for my writing class because i thought it was super interesting. "What was once contained, now must contain." How beautiful is that? It reminds me of how in life our scenarios and roles and outlooks and feelings are constantly changing. Perhaps in one relationship you are the caregiver and when you are hurt by that person the next relationship you find, you are the one being cared for. or maybe its just about growing up and getting over yourself. as things in life change, we adapt, we move on.we figure it out and we become better (or in some cases worse i suppose haha) for it. i remember in the 8th grade the theme of that school year that we did projects on over and over and over again until our heads were bleeding was the human condition. but i am amazed by the strength of the human condition.

i dont really know why im rambling on all philosophically like i know shit. haha. well counting today ive got 6 more days of classes! then on into the great abyss. maybe everyone reading this can cheer me up from my outlooks of gloom and doom by getting me a Christmas present. Or, if youre just looking for a present for someone special, I suggest you go to etsy.com (buy american motherfuckers!) everything on this sight is handmade (or antique). They have a fabulous selection of really unique jewelry all of which i love haha i even found a necklace that looks quite similar to the one that belonged to Andrew Largeman's mother in Garden State. Anyways, just thought id do a little plug for that little treasure i found haha.

i got slammed in critique this morning. but whatever, six more days...

and we sang heerree we gooo again.

as an artist i find that you have to obsessed with something before you can make the magic happen. art comes out of your inability to put an idea or thing or person down. you work it in your head till your head cant handle it anymore and it comes out on paper or film or music or canvas.

and damn its beautiful.

i would say that at times over the past year and a half (or more) certain areas may or may not have been a mess, but now its time to make something beautiful of it.

as an artist i find i am fascinated by the weirdest things because i know the weirdest things will be what inspire me the best. one of these days im going to vomit a bunch of ideas out of my brain. im just waiting on my vomit.

here are things/people/shit im obsessed with right now, if i were you id just go with it and not ask questions:

_the studio 54 era
_resurrection ferns
_housewives (as always)
_chicago
_jordans cousin inglish
_chantal (nothing new there either)
_nighttime at sketch motels
_marta
_charleston
_kitsch fashion design
_screen printing
_and now aunt jemima

your wheels just turn down the road ahead.

well i made it through another thanksgiving alive. no one was too mean this year. every time i leave the state of alabama i long more than ever to be everything ive always wanted to be. i know its horrible, but many of my relatives represent the things i dont want to be (bored, stuck, ignorant, stuck in their ways, uninteresting, geez im an awful person) but it just motivates me to become their target even more. i like to think they are jealous of me and that is why they pick on me so much. it may or may not be true, but either way me being successful will only benefit me.

its official, ive been accepted to kennesaw after only 2.8 million phone calls. the plan is being set forth in motion and this is the real thing. so so scary. im already apartment hunting in athens and wondering how my new life will be and how everything is going to pan out long term. there are going to be plenty of bumps along the road just like any other road i could have taken, but i feel like this is a fresh start, like im starting college all over again in a new situation and as a different person.

perhaps when youre 18, confused and emotionally bruised you arent in a place to make life changing decisions. but as i send the emails and write the checks i pray that at 20, i am.

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."

i just saw some guy out the window take a complete nose dive into a flower bed full of bark trying to catch his dog. im actually quite jealous of this guy because although he just made a complete ass of himself, he looks like he is having the time of his life. today i went through my itunes throwing out old stuff, organizing some things and making a cd for my trip home. 1979 came on and it was like it was foreign to me. i still knew the words and the different musical components of the whole thing, but that is a song associated with a different time and a different me than the one that resides today. some may say i listen to it out of nostalgia and longing for days gone by, but i see it more as a marker of how far ive come. moving away from the shame and the fear and the belittling of myself and seeking out the things i deserve and the things i want out of life. im not a source of entertainment, im a human. i dont want to be quiet anymore. i dont want to be locked up anymore and i will never be anyone's toy again.

each time you move on from something else you take all the other things youve moved on from in the past with you. i guess thats what they call baggage. but its all a learning experience, you never forget anything, you cant afford to. otherwise we'd all make the same mistakes over and over. and then we'd just be idiots. when i go home the same things that have been around will still be there, but i will not be there. at least the girl i once was will not be there.

ive got places to go.
shit to do.
and someone to love.
that is all : )

in other news every time i think i have seen every episode of americas next top model, it continues to surprise me. i get sucked in to another 378 hours of it. as much as i love the photography i really dont know how much more of that show i can stand right now. i can hear it coming from downstairs. maybe ill watch a dvd and work on Christmas presents instead.

im seriously considering taking an early leave of absence to gtfo of here.

lets talk about "on edge"

so ive surpassed the point of being a little concerned or anxiously anticipating, im at the point of worried sick right now. this is not going to be another check the mailbox entry, this is about my apartment. my room mate has decided to move out and now shes breathing down my neck about why we dont have someone to live here yet. i mean come on, yesterday you were living here and now today you decided youre not going to. i cant make it happen overnight. now shes talking about attorneys and contracts and money and logistics, and its just like i just want to get out of here.

thats it!

and ill do what i need to do to make that happen, but i cant work miracles. i cant get everything organized on index cards within the next hour. sometimes you have to wait. i should have never come here in the first place. to tennessee or to this apartment. i should have known better.

but honestly im at peace about whats happened. in truth i dont feel the way i just described. obviously it would make a lot of things easier, but sometimes in life you have to make "mistakes" to get to where you need to be. so like i said, im at peace with what ive done. i just wish she wouldnt make me feel like shit for it, no one else has.

i suppose i need to be a little more understanding. ive put her in a tough spot.

off to another weekend in absolute solitude.

mellon collie and the infinite madness.

this is what comes up every time i go to check on the status of my applications. really. you guys are just so cute i just cant even stand it. i might even piss my pants in my exultation of exactly how cute you all are. i know i know, its only been two weeks and not even a week for kennesaw. give them some time, you say.

to you i say stfu.

because i know exactly how this is all gonna go down. and now, you are at a great privilege because im going to tell you exactly in great detail how its going to go down.

the people at perimeter are most likely alum of perimeter, since after graduation the students realized they had no hopes or ambitions which i why they went there in the first place. now they have settled into an office job at the school since they were already going there everyday (suuuweeeeeeet), but dont really know what theyre doing. they spend most days covering themselves with sticky notes and making paper clip necklaces. when i call to yell at them every day about how they havent sent my transcript to kennesaw, they dont pick up the phone. they may not know what they are supposed to do when a phone rings. perhaps they think the phone ringing is some kind of bird chirping out the window. a bird native only to the georgia perimeter campus. they admire the lovely sounds of gpc fauna and then continue in their efforts to make the longest paper clip chain ever. meanwhile i record another bitchy voicemail which will never be heard because, lets face it, if they dont know how to pick up the phone we're not even going to get into their voicemail abilities, or more likely inabilities.

as far as kennesaw is concerned, since ive never attended there, i have exactly 283,982,583,127 documents to send them before they will even consider looking at my application. these documents include things like: college transcripts, sat scores, shot records, birth certificate, complete physical exam including a full out colonoscopy and std screening (cant have gonorrhea on this campus, no sir), a digital photograph of my most prized possession so they can take it away from me, my first born that i dont have yet, all my credit card numbers so identity theft will be quicker and easier, my left kidney sealed in a 10x13" manila envelope, a gift certificate to tgi fridays for their efforts and of course my soul.

so i send them all this shit, and of course they dont get it. im gonna blame problem numero uno on gpc for not sending my transcript from there (see paragraph one of my ranting argument. in case you forgot heres a synopsis: they dont know how to send things in the mail, so they dont). aside from that im not quite sure what the problem is. i paid to have everything sent and the amount of time given was ample for everything to arrive in time. i called ut bursars office to make sure they had sent the transcript from here to there. the lady was oh so helpful, once again the kind of helpful you might just piss you pants over. she divulged a brilliant piece of information to me. when i asked why the transcripts from ut hadnt arrived at ksu, she said that remarkably, when the transcripts arrive at ksu, they do not just fall on someones desk, they in fact are placed in a mailbox which some unfortunate soul must walk to to get the mail everyday. said mailbox could be miles away from the office. it might even be an uphill climb to get there. in the snow! holy shit lady, i had no idea people had to go to such taxing efforts to receive mail. i even feel sorry for them, that every day someone has to check the mailbox, ive never heard of such cruel occurrences. i can only hope that at least some of my $50 application fee will go towards physical therapy for the unfortunate individual who has to walk probably ten feet from their desk to retrieve my lost paperwork. maybe im the selfish one here.

this entry will get me nowhere. it will not get me into college and it will not make anyone pick up the phone or check the mail. in fact it will probably give me bad karma for saying such bad things about the colleges. bad karma will hunt me down like one of the dudes that have been mugging everyone on campus at night. in fact before the bad karma finds me i probably will be mugged on campus. then after i am mugged bad karma will come say hello. i will end up finding someone to sublease here just before i get all the letters with frowny faces all over them saying "sorry we didnt get the mail the day you sent your shit!" or "oops, whats a college application?" so then i will be not only schoolless but homeless. there are plenty of homeless people here in knoxville, i am sure i can join them. at this point even if kennesaw did visit the mailbox or perimeter realized they had a class of zero because they forgot to accept anyone, i would never know. with no mailing address its hard to receive acceptance letters.

and even if i had a mailbox, theres that whole issue of having to walk to it.

holy shit!

its the magic bullet!

its eight in the morning and i dont feel like leaving for class yet so this is what i am doing: watching the magic bullet commercial. Im sorry but why do we as americans feel the need to buy a device that is supposed to cook any and everything? something about an appliance that can make chicken salad, cake batter and a strawberry daiquiri in the same container is a little troubling to me personally.

fourteen more days of classes. i know its really going to speed up after this weekend, and after that ill wish i had never wished all that work on myself, but im just ready to get this thing rolling. i cant believe all the christmas stuff is already going on. i turned on the radio the other day and since i dont know any of the stations here it was already on this station playing christmas music. im sure if i step foot in the mall there will be red and green everywhere. i love the christmas season, especially the decorations and all the get togethers and getting people gifts and such, but its all become so commercial. i watch every thanksgiving as my aunts corner me in my grandmother's living room and accost me about what id like for christmas. im toast until i give what color size and edition i want and even then they still bother me for more answers. they make organized lists of what everyone wants and where you can get it for the cheapest price and then they divvy up whos going to get what for whom. i just feel like thats not how christmas should be. i suppose by obligation and heredity your relatives have to get you something, but my relatives see me maybe twice a year if that. they have no concept of who i am. i feel like the whole holiday gift giving thing has lost most of its purpose; the gift giving has become an obligation, not a gift in and of itself.

besides, half the time they dont even get me what i ask for. geez at least give a gift card then.

ugh im kinda tired of writing, between three peer reviews a revision of a short story a graphic design article about a giraffe getting lost at new york fashion week and beginning my longer story.

with two stories set in nyc ive probably looked at a map of new york city more than an eager tourist hoping to see times square.

well i have all weekend to get it done. at this point im cutting my losses on my social life. ill spend this weekend by myself in my apartment doing homework. all of my real friends will be gone to a wedding this weekend and its too late to start trying for friends now.

home sounds good.

moving on.

with 16 more days of class left to go, this is all becoming a real possibility. This weekend as I roamed the streets of downtown athens arm in arm with robyn it hit me that this could be my town someday in the not so distant future. i know its stupid because i have no reason to be scared, but its like the further i get into college the more impact my decisions will have. the stakes just get higher. what if i mess it up. ughh dont do the whole what if thing, theres a million of those out there. this weekend was wonderful, being reunited with all of my friends and realizing that we can still joke about the exact same things still and laugh just as hard, it was a good feeling. laughing in general was a good feeling.

this weekend was great, but its all just so surreal.

18.5 more...

...days of classes.

i dont know how much longer i can take this. my brain has been stretched creatively beyond its maximum capacity. all of my classes except for art history require me to be constantly thinking and developing my ideas. this can wear on you after awhile. i feel like i never really get rest or sleep from it all because im always having to think about something and somehow its never any fun.

meanwhile i sit on my college websites on an almost hourly basis checking my admission status as if somehow its going to magically change right before my very eyes. im so scared somethings going to happen and i wont get in and ill be stuck here and be right back in that hole that for the past month ive finally felt like there might be a way out of it. its a big gamble and im not a gambler.

continuing on with the random topics for today, i spent last evening in katies living room with the few pbp girls that i like. i felt like i was really connected to them for the first time last night, like for once i was apart of their universe. we talked about something other than whats prim and proper and whats surface skimming. we talked about sex and everyones first time. it reminded me of this book one of the gd students did last year at the design competition that included various stories of different womens first experiences, it was interesting and i plan on copying it someday. its funny how so many people can connect by how stupid they were or how hurt theyve been. its so easy for girls to be pushovers, to put improper blame on themselves, to try to fix things in ways they shouldnt. sometimes it works ok and sometimes it doesnt.

before i head off to art history i would like to thank drew from Ithaca for his kind words on the last entry. ive noticed your comings and goings over the past year, but assumed as i usually do that it was some scary internet person. im glad you've randomly found yourself here and not on one of the many blogger blogs in espanol, which is what happens to me every time i click view random blog. though it is sketchy in some respects, it is nice to know that some strangers do find what i say entertaining enough to continue reading.

if anyone gets bored this afternoon you should read the short story "the ones who walk away from omelas" it is only a few pages long in print and though the first part is a little wordy and spastic it is absolutely delicious. it can be found here: http://harelbarzilai.org/words/omelas.txt

im off to shove more information up my ass.toodles.

daylight savings time.

this weekend, we went back in time. it was only for a small hour, but for that small hour time stopped and took a step back for us. it gave us just enough time. we were little kids tromping through the forest, little kids making a mess in the kitchen baking cookies, little kids in the party room at mr. gatti's, little kids wide-eyed in amazement at all the hillbilly sites of gaitlinburg, little kids perusing the clearance halloween candy, little kids tromping through a field and sundown. for a small hour i forgot about the status of my college applications, the wrinkles around my eyes, my rent check due tomorrow, my art history test on thursday, the wax that now covers my dresser front, my fears about being successful in the future. for a small hour time went back for us.

just what i needed.