having our say

i think it was in like 9th grade we had to read this book called having our say. i dont really even remember what it was about, but if recollection serves me it was about two very old black women who had been friends for a very long time. it was just them telling stories and recollecting on the good old days. obviously it didn't leave enough of a mark on me to remember now, several years later. but i wonder, what gave them the right to have their say? and what gives anyone that right? do we have to be 92 before we're allowed to have our say?

i feel like over the past few years a lot of things have happened without my permission. no one ever asked me if it was what i wanted in my heart. i never really got to decide whether or not i wanted my innocent demeanor stripped of me, i never got to decide if i wanted the college experience. i feel like the things that have happened to me have slowly been taking and taking and taking. and then it just gets to the point where everything else wins, i give up. its not how i wish it to be, but perhaps it is what it is.

perhaps im just being way too dramatic, which is highly possible, but i think ive felt some pretty heavy stuff over the past little while. or maybe its not heavy at all, im just making it so. i dont know the difference, but i suppose this is my place to talk however i wish and not face backlash from it, so ill leave it as is.

i guess i just want to have my chance to have my say. and its coming, slowly but surely. i still have the great friends and family that i always have had, lucky for me i didnt lose them along the way. not excluded from that is my amazing boyfriend who has listened to all my shit even when im sure he had to be thinking i was crazy, and im not doubting that a little of me is.i just have all these things i want to do with my life, and goals for what i want to do and who i want to be in the future, and unfortunately, i just dont see it happening. sometimes the take and take and take is just too much, there's nothing left to pick up off the ground and start over with. i often feel completely incapable of carrying on a normal friendly social conversation. its like i dont even know how to do it anymore, or maybe i never did. i spend time on ebay looking at equipment i'd love to have and thinking of all the things i'd do with it, only to slap myself back into the reality that that's wasted money when i wont even pick up a camera for fear taking shitty pictures.

my fear is that i changed locations, and thats it. and in the end that leaves me in the same place.