the 2007 manifesto.

12.29.2005

12.29.2006
so this is the new year.

and i feel so different.

"you will recieve in return the amount of forgiveness you give to others. leave behind a few uneccesary things in 2006 and 2007 will be the best year youve ever had." -ernest easley

ok so im going to start this off by explaining the pictures. basically, my life is one big circle. a pretty boring circle too. on friday i went out to dinner with my parents. i wore my v neck little black dress. exactly one year to the date before, i went out to dinner with my parents. i wore my v neck little black dress. crazy crazy crazy. onward.

today is the last day there will ever ever be in 2006. it has been a mighty interesting year, here are the hilights:

+swim team captain
+fell in love for the first time
+aiken prom and such
+florida trip with adawg and kelley
+haigwood studios
+roswell prom
+graduation and all the exhausting parties
+won 2 photography competitions
+the 2 J mistakes
+saying goodbye
+the angie hotel
+haigwood studios summertime
+meeting new people ive known forever
+bday madness with kelley
+going to college
+305/305 parties
+greg @ UT
+alex and heather @ UT
+visits home and to uga
+falling in love all over again with an idea
+photography photography photography
+thanksgiving and christmas break
+being totally bitchin

mr steve sparling said the other day that he heard if you make it to thanksgiving freshman year of college without too many internal wounds, youll be a-ok the rest of the way. i think he's right. i felt it when i was here for thanksgiving, that sense of change. that sense of no longer belonging here nor there. then i went back and things just seemed more natural, better. around that time i became aware of a lot of other things as well. the wheels were turning in my soul, corny i know, but true. the pieces of all the issues and struggles ive dealt with over the past few months, or even year are finally starting to come together.

essentially i felt like this year was a kind of rebellion period for me. i rebelled against the kind of life i thought i was being told to live. i rebelled against the things i hated about myself. i rebelled against my concept of the rules. i rebelled against what was socially acceptable at times. i rebelled against who i was. out of rebellion comes immense growth, but for a girl like me rebellion typically only goes so far. at the end of the day im not a badass im not edgy im not cool and im not a more interesting person as a result of the things ive done...not neccesarily anyway.

so i learned. i learned about making mistakes. i learned about photography. i learned about the male sex. i learned about saying goodbye. i learned about inner strength. i learned about heartache. i learned about being alone. i learned about loving others. and ultimately these are the things that matter because when you stop learning that means youre dead.

and im not dead yet.
im not dead yet.
im not dead yet.

ive learned so much from the wonderful people im so fortunate to have in my life. you all have truly graced me with your presence and i am truly thankful to each and every one of you for what you have meant to me and what you have done for me.

ultimately it comes downt to this: i am at the primetime of my life. this is when all the exciting, life-altering shit goes down. i go to college. i make a career for myself. i move somewhere awesome. i set out to chase my dreams. maybe i even fall in love.

i see these things now. its your life, but youve only got one.

if i learned anything i could say i learned that my life is my own. now being off at college on my own, i see that i am truly the captain of my fate or however that poem goes. i make the decisions that i have to clean up the shit because of. i have to deal with the results of what i do, so i should make the results something i want to deal with...and i can. i can! this year has made me see that my dreams are only as unrealistic and far away as i allow them to be in my mind. i believe its time to stop approaching life with a roll over and play dead mentality and start milking it for all its worth.

new years resolutions:

+work out...seriously i could be hot if i got off my computer for five seconds and did something with myself.

+eat veggies more

+end the rebellious period. this does not mean stop taking risks or stop doing crazy things. this just means stop doing things just for the sake of shock value. i need to learn to do what i want, but make sure i know what i want before i take any course of action. i would like to start going to church regularly again, and when i do go, listen and apply what is said. i need to find God again. i want to have healthier more stable relationships (slowww ones haha)

+meet more people. more outgoing.

+read more. learn about all kinds of things.

+proceed and succeed in photography. network and take a strong course of action this summer. gain new skills and technical knowledge and work on pulling out my sense of creativity...i know its there i just cant seem to find it. take lots of pictures. good ones.

+travel whenever realistically possible.

+dont let the future scare me.

+make money for later...and save it...dont spend it all on clothes dangit.

+stay in touch with the ones i love no matter where they or i go.

+enjoy my days instead of treating them like to do list items. laugh and smile more.

+get some art skills so my peers will actually take me seriously.

+pull up the good ole gpa.

+be totally bitchin. again.

happy new year everyone. may 2006 leave you changed. may you leave all your shit behind and make this one the best year yet.

today was a good day visiting with some good people. went to sarahs, then to the park with ash then over to deb and franks. then i came home and watched the last kiss. this film got mixed reviews and was criticized for not living up to the so-called grandeur of garden state, but i actually loved this movie. though i feel like the characters were on the verge of being a bit too archetypal, i think the movie explored the reality of growing up and settling into adult life, which is something i think our generation will find more difficult than those of our parent's generation. it was honest and blunt and i appreciated that. the movie explores something that i am somehow oddly fascinated with which is the often shallow or hollowness of relationships in modern society. it seems like people just get bored and its just not important enough anymore to try to keep things going...this makes me so sad. i suppose however its better to recognize it for what it is rather than to be caught off guard by the way things seem to be. its funny, one day i want to be in a relationship, then the next day i think about all that entails and what i know based on past experiences and i think this is just not for me. i suppose it doesnt matter, you cant make relationships happen anyway, so even if i did want something it doesnt mean it would happen. but i suppose the question in my mind is whether or not i should even look for something like that or just turn myself off. well either way no midnight new years kiss again for angie...but maybe thats a good thing.

she told me it was razor burn.

i think i forgot what it was like to hang out with a group of people i already know, already understand, already recongize their history, their quirks, their likes, their dislikes. i forgot what it was like to have that kind of special relationship with others. having it, in a word, is awesome.

yesterday started out a little frustrating because i had several cancellations for pictures and my day was in this kind of limbo of doing nothing, but finally things got going. i went to katherine's house and had conversations with her mom and took fascall for a walk. then i went to rq's house and hung out with her and joseph. they are so much fun to be around, they don't take anything too seriously and seem to be just having a good time basically all the time. after that we went to amanda's and after she took the longest route possible (reminiscent of our florida trip from last year) we ended up at miller's ale house whatever the hell that is. we ended up with a sketchy waiter, as usual, who "really liked my camera" and we ended up playing trivia...and winning! go cardinals we kicked she told me it was razor burns ass...yeah so we made a few phonecalls on the last few questions, adam was no help anyway so he shouldn't even count. lets hope miller ale house has not shut down so that this summer we can go back and use our $45 gift certificate there haha.

kelley i hope one day you can serve me some ale...and no, you won't card me...and yes you should drink all the ale of the people that should have come but didn't show.

hands clean.

ANOTHER Christmas comes to pass. each Christmas has its own unique vibe or feeling, but this one certainly did, as my life is very different than it was last year. the friends i have hear now or composed more of who i make the effort to keep in touch with rather than those i see everyday. something about Christmas being over always leaves me feeling a little empty. all that build up and excitement just for a few lone hours of activity. but afterwards despite the sadness i feel refreshed, like the new year has already begun and its the time to make those changes and start all over again. with new clothes, new equipment and new classes i feel like im more prepared to get closer to that person i so badly want to be. i still have half of my break left to go, but thus far this has been a very cleansing break. cutting off rough edges of my relationships with certain people, cutting off certain relationships completely, creating or solidifying relaitonships that are new to me, discovering the worst parts of myself and better understanding what i must do to get where i want to be.

i looked at my anne leibovitz book last night. i also looked through a fellow UT student's photography and graphic design stuff online. not getting the job with waldorf was certainly a humbling experience, and that coupled with the feedback ive been getting from others about my work lately has made me realize that i am in way over my head. you can't make creativity. you can't learn how to be creative. you can make yourself better at something but you can't make yourself be creative. and being good and being creative are two very different things. what if im not good enough? what if i dont have the ability to compete with all the creative genuises in my field? truth be told i dont have it. sometimes i feel like an imposter trying to make mountains out of mole hills.

do i have it in me?

the antipassion generation.

i had another panic attack today. i am not completing all three sides of my so called "wellness triangle" its mainly the exercise part i'm lacking. and the sleep part. and the regular eating part...damn im screwed. that being said i really should go to sleep because that would help me out...but it's Christmas and i have to write a pre-gift giving christmas post, naturally.

24 hours from now will be the worst feeling in the world. the post Christmas feeling...that's always the worst, nothing left to look foward to. this year will be a little different though.

so i know what im getting for Christmas this year, a Metz flash and hopefully nothing else, but theres one other thing i want and it sucks because i know ill never get it, and that is this:

passion.

sounds stupid, but i have come to realize that i live in a generation that lacks passion for everything. we dont understand the value and neccesity of hard work because we've never really had to work very hard to get what we want. guys dont do the whole chivalry deal because they dont have to, we girls will throw ourselves at any potential male that comes our way. in such a disposable fast-paced world we think that if something doesnt work out we can just toss it aside because something better and different will surely come along. we lack that drive to make the things we want work. we feel like if things dont throw themselves on a silver platter in front of us theyre not worth having. this is so not true.

so my Christmas and New Years wish for all of us is that we may live our lives with undying passion. things may get a little off course, we may miss the mark initially, but you must you must you must fight for what you want.

live your life with passion.

black sheep.

first of all, before i begin this entry i would like to wish a happy one year anniversary to none other than this blog. im not sure what led to begin this thing, but i think i was inspired by jenny's bold and always entertaining literary ventures online and decided to make something of my own. a year later is had turned into a fixture in my life. i contemplated topics for entries during the day, and i almost need this thing to get me through the day. this blog is very special to me in that it is so much more than just a simple journal. its a journey in words, pictures, music and feedback from the readers and because of this, it evokes memories of the past year so much more vividly and clearly. the memories that this blog accounts are priceless to me, and i feel very fortunate to have such a detailed record of this crazy time in my life. and thank you also to all of you who have kept up with me in all my emotional frenzie throughout the last year. may we continue on for yet another year of angie goodness (and badness for that matter)

now on with the entry.



It's the same place I've been so many times before. The pink and blue tiled supershower in her grandmother's back bathroom. No one really uses it anymore since her knees gave out and everyone else got too old for baths. At 19 I find myself back in this familiar place. This room. This house. This town. Nothing really changes here, just small things. Small things like a new monitor for the computer, the old Winn Dixie closed, and someone else got robbed last week. It's really all just the same old story when you think about it. After a 15 minute struggle between the hot and cold knobs of the pink and blue tiled supershower, I reach outside for a towel just to find I didn't get one. Fuck, I hate it when I do that. After locating a towel I realize the mirrors are too fogged up for any assimilation of hair or makeup. I put the lid down and take a seat on the pink toilet to wait this out. This old house has no ventilation. I could open up the window to let the steam out, but there might be a scary black man outside in the back yard. I pop up to the window just to make sure the shutters are closed and lo and behold, there IS a scary black man outside in the back yard. Great timing Scary Black Man, I'm going to close the shutters now lest you see too much of Angie today. I wonder to myself, "who would want to live here?" It seems like everyone who is here is stuck here for one reason or another. Some bound by spouses, farming jobs, others just hoping this will be a reasonable locale to wait to die. I wonder if they ever thought it would end like this. If this, this place, this life, was all they ever wanted, or did they have greater hopes and dreams and just fell short? Is this the destiny for all of us to end up in some slow junk dead town with no hope, or is it only the fate of those who let it come to them this way? What if this is me?

I look back out the window, Scary Black Man is gone, or at least he's found himself a decent hiding spot, and the mirror is somewhat unfogging itself. I wrap my hair up in a towel, turban style, and set about to do my makeup.

Moisturizer. Don't forget Angie, this is where you come from, you can't escape that. You came from these people. You have their nose, their chin, their close-minded disposition, maybe even a little of their racism...I mean you did just automatically name the confused indidual roaming your grandmother's backyard Scary Black Man.

Concealer. I know I came from these people, but it doesn't mean I have to be like them. Sure, they have many admirable qualities. I admire their faith. I wish I had that. I need that. I've been jaded in more ways than they will understand. I'm not better than them, but I feel as though I must take control of my fate such that I do whatever it is that I want with my life, and most importantly that I don't spend my days waiting on something to happen to me, whether it be life or death.

Eye liner. How bad do you want this? How bad do you really want to change yourself?

Eye shadow. I'm realizing more and more everyday how much work I need to do on myself. I want this pretty damn bad. There are many changes I need to make to succeed.

Powder. Take it all in. All of this. The trailer parks, the crime, the small town gossip, the cotton fields, the beautiful southern starry night sky, the wisdom of your grandparents, the death of a once beautiful small American town. Take it all in. You'll need to carry all these things with you. They are a part of you and you can learn from them. Maybe you're wiser than a lot of those city folk because you know what it's like on the other side.

Hair dryer. You my dear, are the black sheep of this family. You have red hair and no one knows where it came from. You are going to school for art, who the hell does that? You wear your jeans low, and if they only knew you went out with a black boy once upon a time, oh man the shit would really hit the fan then. The kudzu growing on your family tree, that is what you are. This is not an admirable place to be, but you must do the best with what you have where you're at, and in this case, my darling, that means you must grow up to be amazing.

I look at myself in the flourescent light with the pink and blue tile as my backdrop. As I and everyone else gets older I can't help but wonder each time I find myself here in this place, how many more times I will find myself here in this place. How many more journeys I will make before her or my time comes. So what if you were to die in two years, Angie, the truth is you're not dead yet. You are not dead yet. So until they put you in the ground you fight for it. Whatever it is you want, fight for it with all you have.

Then when you die, you can say you tried. You can say you didnt sit around the slow junk dead town with no hope, waiting for life or death to happen to you, whichever comes first.

In life and death there are no guarantees, except that death is certain and life isn't. "If you don't like being here, don't put yourself in a place like this," I tell myself.

I look at myself in the flourescent light with the pink and blue tile as my backdrop, and the girl in front of me says goodbye, its time to move along.

i'll be near you.

this picture is just for you, special manfriend who will remain nameless. you know who you are.

so maybe i am.

i didnt do a damn thing today. i really didnt. but what i did do was actually see my parents for more than five seconds. i took these pictures. i reflected, which is usually a bad thing. and although my reflections were bittersweet, as i realized how truly much i love all the people here and the life i once had here, i'm coming to terms with how that part of my life is over and i must move along in my new place, and hope and plan a new life, in hopes that i should be lucky enough that it could include some of these great individuals. and it can. it doesn't have to end here.

its Christmas i think i forgot that. despite all the music and the decorations and the copious amounts of christmasy foods liek the pepperidge farm baskets, the cheap wine, the spiced pecans, toffee, chex mix and all the rest it just doesnt feel the same and therefore i feel like it isnt Christmas. but if i can make it through my trip to bama without to many battle scars then i should be ok and i get to move on to the fun part: giving all these gifts ive been running around getting.

i'm so excited for tomorrow, i think its going to be an all around great day.

it feels nice to be happy.

headlock.

Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now.
You're as close as it gets
Without touching me.
Oh now don't make it harder
Than it already is.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault

Though the lyrics are overtly sexual in nature, they pretty much describe the last 7 to 11 months of my life. the inward struggle that results from doing the things you know you shouldnt. eventually it wears on you and you seek a more righteous path. the problem is, the pendelum swings to the farthest reaches of that direction as well, and you feel the need to cut off yourself from it all.

im in the process of finding that happy medium place, and for once it may actually be working. i am better than all the shit ive allowed myself to do in the last little while and its time for me to change that. although ive only been home for slightly over a week, i've come to terms with so many things in my life, and its felt so relieving. finally i get to be with people i know and who i can feel comfortable with. i know for sure where i stand with certain people...and where i dont stand with some as well.

to put it simply, its been calming, reassuring and lovely. these people have been there for me for years and years and with that kind of history, you dont just move away and end things forever. i still need them just as much as i did 4 months ago.

im absolutely loving this series im working on right now. capturing the essence of the ones i hold dear is just exactly what i want to be doing right now.

oh look its my id, ego and superego doing their thing again. this may be the most scandalous blog picture yet. its how i feel. ive always been fascinated with the struggle between good and evil. where we draw the line.

im so excited to be home for winter break. for once i am here and i dont have to count down the days until i leave or cram all kinds of laundry list activities in before i have to head back up to the knox.i am just here and i love being here. my bed feels orgasmically wonderful...and its not 12 feet off the ground. the food is good. and more importantly i love the people im going to get to see. however, for the first time i felt like i was actually leaving something behind. tonight helen is going to watch a meteor shower and i wish i could be there. i have another life in tennessee now, and im finally ready to recognize that.

today was an interesting day. i went and saw a few old friends. i took the long way home and in some way i think things are falling into place as they should. at least for now.

respect is something people earn. with some the respect others have for them diminishes as time passes. im all too afraid that my friends have less respect for me now than they did a year, or even just a few months ago because of the way i have acted and conducted myself recently. however there are some who gain more and more respect with time. today, i experienced losing respect for myself and gaining respect for a friend. looks like im incapable of being the bigger person. but im lucky enough to have friends who will be with me along the way, at least until they stop wanting to deal with my shit.

i got home to an empty house tonight. the tree needs to be decorated and that is apparently my job. but instead i took this picture. then i made myself a grilled cheese. then i thought for awhile. for the past few months ive been searching. reading books, looking through anthologies, searching the internet, plotting, thinking. hoping to find some course of action for a series in photography for the christmas break. at first i was hopeful, then uncertain, then baffled, then i didnt care anymore, i was passionate, then i completely abandoned all hope and the answer was staring me in the face all along....

every relationship you have with others leaves you a changed person. others allow us to see how we want or dont want to be in our own lives or help us or hurt us in our interactions with others. coming back here and seeing everyone after an extended period of time reminds me of all ive been taught by these wonderful people who have surrounded me for the past 7 years. they have shaped me to be who i am today and each has taught me something i hope to never forget. so in celebration of that. i want to bring you a series of potraits. poignant, beautiful, real and true, along with the message each individual brings with them. this is my idea and i hope that it will be a worthwhile and visually stunning journey.

there is much more to say. i have missed writing this over the past few days. but dont worry, youll here enough from me in the days to come.

[the above are instances of kleptomania at its finest]

only one more day. two exams i am ill prepared for. im getting a c in math most likely. i took the easiest one i could. who was i kidding that i could go to a better school than UT. i cant even focus enough to study anymore. this is worse than high school. one more day. then the job interview my entire mood and finance is resting on right now. then home home home home home.

i just realized that whenever i do get home im going to have nothing to talk about. no untold stories from college. no secret innermost thoughts or feelings. theyre all here for everyone to read. everyone knows already. this will be a great time for me to shut the hell up and listen to whats going on in everyone else's life.

fuck you fuck you and all we've been through.

there are certain times when i am going along my merry little way and i realize that i am just a stupid little girl and thats all there is to it. just stupid. my world is so small. so naive. so inexperienced. so uncultured. so small.

sometimes you only think of your little microcosm. your selfish desires. your thoughts. your feelings. but other people do actually exist. and sometimes, your paths dont cross, things dont work out, people change, conflict occurs.

sometimes the best thing you can tell yourself is a simple yet firm no.

winter break take me where you will. im sure i will return a changed girl.

the trials and tribulations of apathy.

Well you held me like a lover
Sweaty hands
And my foot in the appropriate place

And we use cushions to cover
Happy glands
In the mild issue of our disgrace

Our minds pressed and guarded
While our flesh disregarded
The lack of space for the light-hearted In the boom that beats our drum

Well I know I make you cry
And I know sometimes you wanna die
But do you really feel alive without me?
If so, be free
If not, leave him for me
Before one of us has accidental babies For we are in love



we all like to believe we dont care. its much safer that way.

to be neutral.
unaffected.
careless.
to have poignant disregard.
to be detached.

but most of the time no matter what we tell others, no matter what we tell ourselves. we are oh so involved. and being involved, and having feelings and being vulnerable scares the hell out of us.

so we lie.
we lie to our friends.
we lie to our parents.
we lie to our loved ones.
we lie to him.

but the darkness of a cold december night will always get the best of you, and if you denied how you felt before, youll feel every inch of it on your way down.

sometimes this is too much to bear. if nothing else it may be too much to bear alone.

what are we so scared of anyway? that someone's going to call us out for being ourselves, a person we can't help being? that someone will see that we are insecure, uncertain, anxiety-ridden and scared? that we are human? that we care more than we want everyone to believe?

apathy as much as it is criticized is in fact an almost utopian ideal. if we didnt care it might possibly make the world a more perfect place. but apathy is in fact a lie. complete and pure apathy does not exist.

my facebook political status says apathetic. but this is very much a lie. maybe i dont have all of my political views sorted out into a neat little genre, but i do care. i think affirmative action is a load of shit. i think the US needs to stop relying on foreign countries for so much. i think the drinking age should be lowered to 18.

these are certainly not statements made by a true apathetic. i may not enjoy political arguments. i may not be very well versed in the area of politics. but i have opinions. feelings. convictions. we all do.

so the next time you go all day without talking to the one you care about, and they tell you theyre fine.

theyre not.

the next time she says shes ok.

shes not.

the next time she says shes over you.

shes not.

the next time she seems sad and says shes fine.

shes not.

the next time she says shes over him.

shes not.

we all care a lot more than we'll ever admit. in the end we're all just kidding ourselves.

gifts and such.

only a few more days for me here at ut. im so excited. as much as ive bitched and complained and freaked out about this whole adjustment process, i still consider myself a pretty independent person. i survived many a sleepover, summer camp, etc without homesick issues. but today as i walked through the campus bookstore filled with orange everything from golf club covers, to t-shirts, to beer coozies, to scrubs, to door knockers, picking out some Christmas gifts for my family i realized i was pretty excited to see my family. this is new, i dont usually get excited to see my family, no offense to them of course.

i spent this morning in the old city listlessly searching for gifts for people i dont really know well enough to be buying gifts. i love giving gifts by trade, but in truth, when it comes to gifts, i would rather only give gifts to those closest to me because those are the only people who i know well enough to give lasting gifts anyway. and for those closest, i would rather get them something truly special and memorable. sometimes this means spending a lot of money. sometimes it means sacrificing something else, like time. any 12 dollar picture i could pick out at target is not going to replace the awesome weekend and the great memories kelley and i will have when she comes up here for the john mayer concert. her ticket is her christmas present from me. i would rather give something that someone will never forget and something that someone will really appreciate than some cheap disposible manufactured bullshit.

Christmas time is known for being overly sentimental and fuzzy and such, but i think it may have even more of that feeling this year. reunited with my many loved ones from back at home is sure to spawn lots of good chill time and some good long talks that we've all needed to have. so excuse me but im gonna go get fuzzy and im going to take it for all its worth. we dont know how much time we have with each other. we may drift apart between now and the next time we see each other. we may move away farther. we may die. we may change.

cherish whatever it is as it comes.

if its a mistake, make it anyway.

things you never do dont have the opportunity to be a mistake.

they dont have an opportunity to be a success either.

rootless tree.

classes are officially over. i kinda have that empty feeling when something ends and you dont know what to do with yourself. but i cant do that. i must hit the ground running. i want this break to be productive, relaxing, beneficial, useful, funnnn.

self restraint.

our best friend and our biggest enemy.

in art in life in my mind its an inner conflict ive explored numerous times. where do we draw the line within ourselves? you are your own best friend and your own worst enemy. so whatcha gonna do about it?

this is the part where you get vulnerable. this is the part where you have to take risks and hope that it works out for the best. this is the part where you hope you dont fall off the deep end. this is the part where you this is the part where the paranoia starts. this is the part where you get scared. this is the unknown.

theres a point where you say fuck it ill pick up the pieces if they fall.

this is the point where you say, if hes there, lets just give this a go.
this is the point where you say, if he wants me back ill take him and see if it flies.
this is the point where you say, im ok with moving on right now.
this is the point where you say, i dont need you as much as i let myself think.

its Christmas time everybody and jmay says no one wants to be alone at Christmas time. and by golly he was right. i would love to have someone to spend this special time of year with. someone close to me to buy a gift he'd love. someone to go out into cold nights with or just stay in.

but this is the point where you say, just be alone be okay be still.

monday morning coming down.

What I want from this
is to learn to let go.
No, not of you
of all that's been told.
Killers re-invent and believe
and this leans on me, like a rootless...

music reminds me of the endurance of the human spirit. without such endurance we wouldnt identify with musical lyrics, but that endurance exists. are lives are quite parallel at the end of the day. so when i hear these songs i often think, "that is me, that is my life" its a pretty interesting phenomenon.

i had my final appointment with my dr today. maybe i was just in a good mood today, but it seemed to end on a positive note. the semester is winding down and as stressed as i should be i just dont care very much anymore.

the past week has been both positive and strange. i have recieved calls, messages and even letters from people i never expected just telling me they loved me. i cant let myself think that guy at the library foretold of all these things, but maybe he did. the important thing is this: i have learned how important it is to let the ones you love know how you feel. have you ever thought about if you died who would show up at your funeral? who would cry? who would care? who would never be the same? i think we all wonder that because we know if we did in fact die we would probably be surprised at who cared and who didnt. theres a reason why we would be surprised. in life we're all too afraid to let each other know how we feel. this could be taken in a negative direction to mean that people who act like they care about you may not actually care as much as they lead you to believe, but it can also mean that there are people out there in the world that care about you much much more than you would ever know.

i guess what ive realized is you cant wait to let people know how you feel. you cant wait for someone to step out of your life forever, cant wait for someone to die. too late doesnt have an exact deadline. no one knows when too late may be. you cant wait. it cant wait. say i love you when you leave. call your friend you havent spoken to in a while. keep tabs with you grandparents. call you mom. and when you regard someone as a best friend, let them know. its the most important thing you can do.let the ones you love know so.

making memories of us.

(im fully aware two of those pictures arent in focus...what can you do)

the semester is winding down. im screwed in a multitude of ways and even though i havent really even worked that hard all semester im done. i checked out two weeks ago. each week here has a different vibe. a different look. a different smell. a different song. and most importantly, a different feeling. since ive been here ive experienced almost every emotion i can fathom: sadness, grief, stress, happiness, nervousness, giddiness, surprise, silliness, depression, anxiety, expectation, love, appreciation, apathy, laziness, fear, disapointment, confusion, melancholy, nostalgia, adoration, fulfilment, emptiness, creativity, victory, defeat.

Wrapped in silent elegance
Beautifully broken down
As illusions burst
Too late to learn from experience
Too late to wonder how
To finish first

Take me somewhere we can be alone
Make me somewhere I can call a home
'Cause lately I've been losing my own

this weekend was the first time since i arrived that i had a genuinely good time with people who also go to school here. my art show on friday was quite succesful. i made almost 100 dollars, and may have gotten a gallery. i spent the rest of the evening im-ing as usual and listening to love actually from my bed. yesterday i hung out in the room literally all day with helen. when we finally got up we went to cha chas with drew and elizabeth. a little overpriced for the college budget but the food, atmosphere and band were all excellent. we went to the wrong bank to go to the atm so drew had to pay two extra dollars even though his bank was right next door. then elizabeth and helen went to toddies haha. i had no idea this night was headed in this direction. as we headed back to campus we got lost at this sketch playground with only those little animal things you sit on and they bend around. we stopped and played. i laughed. i felt at ease. this was new to me.

we came back and went to walgreens to get some fine cheese dip and some Christmas tumblers. chip picked us up. that wine was awful. blackberry kosher wine. not from a box. we bothered mary beth while she was trying to sleep. in the end there were like 8 people in our room and some random guy was passed out on the floor on my pillow not from anything any of us had done to him. i called all the people i was supposed to call...kelley yousuf alex. i knew amanda wouldnt be awake so i didnt even try. it was just nice to hang out and not feel fake with people for once. just to relax a little and for at least a moment belong. this is the first time i have felt this way since i got here.

meanwhile even though i dont have much of a perception of Christmas right now because it certainly doesnt feel like the holiday season to me, Christmas is certainly in the air. my metz arrived at my house yesterday from new york and my dad has checked it as ok. there are little Christmas trees made out of lighs on top of almost every building in knoxville. the movies are on tv. the decorations are out. there is something about this time of year that, besides egg nogg and family traditions and material hell, also breathes love. just to remind me along with the people around me who are in love how much i dont have all those things and how much i never really have experienced that. i just have kind of given up right now for that. look what has happened to me in the past as far as romantic relations are concerned when i was completely normal. i cant even imagine what it would be like now as im in this limbotic manic emotional state.

we'll all figure it out eventually.

[ONE MORE WEEK]

In the instant that you love someone
In the second that the hammer hits
Reality runs up your spine
And the pieces finally fit

And all I ever needed was the one
Like freedom fields where wild horses run
When stars collide like you and i
No shadows block the sun
Youre all Ive ever needed
Baby youre the one

There are caravans we follow
Drunken nights in dark hotels
When chances breathe between the silence
Where sex and love no longer gel

For each man in his time is cain
Until he walks along the beach
And sees his future in the water
A long lost heart within his reach

curbside prophet

things are winding down in the knox. and as strange as thanksgiving may have been, winter break will be better, and i cant wait for all the good times and more importantly the photography. i miss both things.

today as i was leaving the libraray, a guy walked up to me and said excuse me. he seemed a little nervous and unsure of himself. i figured he was going to try to ask me out or something. how narcisistic of me.

before i proceed i must preface the next little bit with this:

you had to be there. i dont think scary movies are scary. i dont get freaked out by abnormal activities easily. i sat through hostile without issue. im not enthralled with or freaked out by the paranormal. this guy wasnt strange. he wasnt one of the evangelists constantly roaming the streets and screaming about eternal damnation. he was just a guy. he genuinly seemed like a guy who just had a notion to do this and say this to me.

ok on with the story:
he looks at me and with a nervous demeanor says "I just felt like i needed to tell you that God loves you. God loves you and there are going to be some big changes coming in your life."

he sounded positive and for all i know he could be making this up as a source of entertainment. im not going to lose sleep over it or anything. but just like after reading a horoscope, it always sticks in the back of your mind and follows you wherever you go. its prominent because you let it be so. what if big changes, even positive ones, come as a result of negative events? worst case scenario, what if someone has to die for me to see what i need to see.

i called my dad. i just had to check. called me a paranoid psycho i dont care. i needed that piece of mind.

i went to cru tonight with mary beth and elizabeth. they havent invited me there in a while, so when they did tonight i felt compelled to take them up on it. the long and short of it was this:

ive been looking to everything and everyone to help me feel better. the past few months have been tough on me, on all of us i think. ive looked to the counsel of friends, love and falsified love, forbidden love, forbidden lust, boastful narcisism, and even professional assistance to help me with the inner demons i have. the answer has been in front of me all along i just thought there might be a different way to get to where i want to be. aq cooler more socially acceptable way. but there isnt. there never is and there never will be.

my movement tonight to each of you is to call someone you love who wont expect your call. call them and tell them how you feel. call them and be there for them. we all need each other.

yay for canadian graphic designers and stuff!

so to the stranger from canada, i thank you for your kind words. it is a little disconcerting that complete strangers can read the often extraneous details of my life i choose to post here, but the reason i do it, instead of keeping a private journal or sketchbook, is because i want people to know they arent the only ones...and in my case, i sometimes need to know im not the only one too. so thanks to all of you who read this and leave comments and concerned messages and care enough to drop by once in a while. as of today i have had 2000 hits since i started my counter in march. i never knew so many would care to read the junk i post here. but what's more fun than reading about other people in the raw? i mean its like rubbernecking on the highway, you just cant help but look at the wreckage and destruction.

so to celebrate the 2000 hits thing lets all have sponge cake in my dorm room and swap stories!

no seriously, dont come to my room expecting cake. all ive got is a metal trash can liz dented with her head on her way down last night and some stale pop tarts.

what is a blog anyway? lets look it up:
Main Entry: blog
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page; also called Weblog, Web log
Example: Typically updated daily, blogs often reflect the personality of the author.
Etymology: shortened form of Weblog
Usage: blog, blogged, blogging v, blogger n
Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English, Preview Edition (v 0.9.6)

hmmm...so i dont really know why i even started this thing. and as time has gone by i have gotten bolder and bolder with my entries. cussing, telling the truth, using real names, putting my true feelings down in type. its gotten me into some trouble, and there are definitely many people out there in the world who dont need to see this. it is public, but that doesnt mean it isnt personal. so again, i hope you enjoy my car crash, dont get any bloodstains on your clothes folks, that would be icky.

meanwhile, im trying to decide what kind of photography i want to do over break. i have so many ideas, but nothings really sticking with me. everything is like little blips of light, but nothing really goes anywhere. i found a criticism of van meer's work that i was reading interesting. i love her stuff, but the criticism brought about an interesting point that i myself have contemplated a few times...people photography is so often staged to depict certain scenarios or circumstances and maybe thats a bad thing. i found it an interesting concept.

so maaaaaybe:
its time i stopped being polite,
AND START GETTING REAL

woooo.

[CONCENTRATION]

soooo i have this psychology exam tomorrow that i didnt realize until yesterday that i had. i havent read two of the chapters its going to cover. i havent studied at all yet. if i can make a good grade on this exam then i could completely blow the final and it wont matter...i need to have the ability to blow the final. but i have this issue of being completely unable to focus. i spent literally all of yesterday evening talking to 2348278947 people online and facebooking. grant it, i did finish two drawings, but they look like crap to so there's that. oh well im just ranting but seriously, i need to keep in mind that i only have two, or is it one? i think its one more tuesday here after this. i gotttttttta focus. being ADD is for break time.

bitches! knitters! scandal in room 305!

could we get any crazier in here? between the five hundred way im conversations, hair dye, penises on the wall, gingerbread men on the door, pseudo dangerous devices in the art building that turn out to be just sculpture, the boyfriends trying to take back the girlfriends, the inappropriately nude photos, and the drama oh the drama.

i have decided i am the most boring person in the world. i dont do anything. i dont have interesting quirks. i dont go interesting places. i dont have interesting stories to tell. i dont know much about the world. i tend to shy away from risks. i kinda like the same record playing over and over and over and over again.

sooooooooo...lets make things interesting. ive got to do what i can to make things a little more lively up in here. so when you ask me if i want to do that. that? yes that. i say yes. i need some good stories to tell. and im tired of hyperbolizing.

i went to dinner tonight with a girl whos getting married in a year. at the age of 25 which is only two years from now for her, she wants to have children. shes already got it figured out such. my suitemate is struggling with the thought of rekindling past love. i can understand how she would want to be in that place again but is afraid of getting hurt again. my roomates desperately in love and theres not much she can do about it. in the end we're all just doing what we can to control our destinies. tempting fate. taking the road that will yield the most interesting journey, or so we think. we get hurt. we fall down. we get ourselves in situations we cant explain. situations we're ashamed of.

all for the sake of saying we lived our lives.

it all comes down to creating time
you dont always have to make it rhyme
we'll all drive off with our hybrid lives
chances are
we'll make it back.

never quit.

would it be weird if i quoted another blog? is this against some kind of copyright law? is it stalkerish? who cares, apparently many of us are living more parallel lives than we realized. so heres a snippit from ms. caitlyn's blog:

"The older you get, the more reality sets in. You find your life straying more and more from the fairy tale you had set out for yourself in childhood. You find yourself in relationships that don't make sense, you find yourself doing things you swore up and down you wouldn't, you find yourself in situations you never could have predicted in a million years. You don't even know yourself anymore. You ask yourself, what the fuck, am I doing? But you keep doing it over and over again."

last night was kinda awful. i was sad about feeling out of place here and i really came to realize that i feel so empty and lost right now. i dont belong in roswell anymore. my friends at uga and other places dont need me anymore despite the fact that i probably need them more than ever. they are busy bustling about to other friends and boyfriends and girlfriends and apparently i just dont have as many friends as i thought i did. at the same time i dont belong in knoxville right now either. im kinda ready to go back, but i know if i leave early, ill just be returning to an empty room, a pile of alluded work and the realization that now i dont even have home to look foward to because home isnt all its cut out to be.

heather saw a shooting star the other night. i didnt see it so i suppose technically i dont get a legal wish on that one, but if i could wish for something it would just be to be ok and be happy again. im just an emotional basketcase rollercoaster these days. it takes almost nothing to set me off. in the end you find yourself looking for things to make it better and nothing ever works out like you hoped it would because nothing can fix you because in reality nothings wrong with you. i just hurt. and i cant fix it and i dont know why and i dont know when it will go away but i just want to be chill and easy going and instead i find myself fearing the worst and that something is seriously wrong with me and ill never be normal again.

and then youre just like calm down with the drama your life is fine. you are happy you just arent the same kind of happy. you make it fine day by day. you havent gained 3287429874 pounds. im generally healthy. i have a few people i can kinda talk to. i am making decent grades for myself. but i just cant get over the fact that i dont feel well right now. i am not comfortable in my current state. i know this because i find myself last night at 1230 turning my computer back on after turning it off for the night, hoping my friend will be online but knowing he wont because hes probably asleep, seeking comfort because im crying because im coming to the afformentioned realizations and it makes me incredibly sad and lonely.

i went to church this morning for the first time in a long time. the sermon was called something like "when youre tired of it all" haha wow, nice timing. i always have a tough time paying attention to even the best speakers, but i did catch one part that stuck in my mind:

"God's delay is not neccesarily God's denial. Never quit."

im back in a sour mood tonight. ughh sorry readers.

this break is much not what i expected it to be and what i find even more surprising is that im kinda ready to go back to ut. has my escape become the place im now supposed to call home? i thought i was escaping from knoxville and now it appears that knoxville is my escape from roswell. i dont really feel like i belong in either place anymore and that leaves me with a very empty feeling. maybe i was expecting too much out of this break, but not much has been going on. personally for me it was a good time of realization and growth. however there were several occasions, like right now, that i felt just as lonely here as i do in knoxville. i guess i wasnt expecting that. the time has certainly been relaxing and its been a good time to be with family at home but i feel like i accomplished nothing and i guess im just ready for the next two weeks to go by so i can get a real break. two more weeks. i can do this.

i love you roswell and i love you friends. i promise ill be better to both of you the next time im in town.

escape/exhale.

i was really excited to write this entry because my life has actually been a little interesting for once and theres something else to say besides "woe is me my life is unfortunate and sad." but when i sat down to write i didnt know what to say. this is my last full day in roswell and im not sure how i feel about that. i love being home. there is something almost magical and mystical about this place, and every time i return i expect it to be like nothing ever passed in between the here and now and when i first left. like everything will be just as it was in august. but at the same time i know there is much water under the bridge and its only going to get more and more awkward from here on out.

i started out the break unconventionally by leaving school three days early and then not going home once i did leave. my pit stop at uga left me feelings somewhat satisfied, but mainly uncertain. it put a very odd spin on my emotional state. i came home and felt completely let down and empty. i realized all the more how much i cant belong here anymore and how i am a stranger in my own town these days. no one told me i was supposed to move on haha. i had a very odd visit with jordan. after asserting myself a little and visiting with other friends, i came to realize that i am better off than i thought. the relationships that are most important to me will in fact stand the test of time and conflict and we will be okay in the end. sometimes you have to reorient yourself to realize certain things, but once you do its very gratifying and fulfilling.

last night may have been the real kicker for me though. i just dont understand why i cant find people at ut who like to do the strange odd random stupid things that my roswell friends and i enjoy doing. maybe its just because we're in college and the only thing we're ever supposed to do is get drunk and eat pizza, but i thought there was something beyond that. or below that. whatever direction you want to take our behavior. anyways, greg said it best when he said all the girls at ut kinda looked and acted the same. he's right. i still havent found those girls who find the humor (or is is youmor?) in stupid stuff like bananas, special kids at lunch, and hatred of life. i still haven't found the people who think taking weird pictures is a fun and enjoyable recreational activity. i still havent found the people who appreciate that i am in fact an artist to some degree and am no longer afraid to call myself one. i still havent found the people who will try new restaurants with me and go to obscure yet amazing concerts and community activities with me. i havent found the people im going to make the great memories with.

so until i do, i just continue making memories with the ones i already have memories with.

last night i figured i would probably end up doing nothing as i have been most nights since ive been home. i stained my furniture that i didnt make for sculpture class. kelley came over and we watched that 70s show for a while. then i decided to finally make my way over to heathers house. alex showed up and we hung out in her totally awesome turquoise room for the longest time. alex called megan and acted like me drunk...i cant believe they fell for it. just like the itching to be fucked, they are itching to see angie drunk. haha to no avail bitches, maybe ill just take care of that business with jax and sufs...anyways, we watched some weird, cheap, overtly sexual and unidentifyable movie, and before i knew it it was 230 in the morning.
we got up to leave and decided to all pile in my car and go down to ebenezer road. there already seemed to be more stars out than usual for a roswell night, but when we got to our roadside sketchy destination it was even more awe inspiring. ive seen much much better a night sky in my time, and you could hear the cars on arnold mill road off in the distance. but there is something beautiful about a night sky no matter what. as the fog rolled in and the monsters came out, the three of us laid out in the middle of the road. alex asked: "what happens if a car comes?" to which i replied: "we're fucked in the ass alex." but there we stayed, and no cars came and no hillbillies freaked out and shot us and for a little while all was well in the well.

i didnt realize ive known heather for five years and alex for three. it doesnt seem like its been that long. we're not that close, but sometimes youre so alike another person you dont have to be close, you just have to bask in the parallels of your lives when youre together and its like youre best friends who never met each other before now. heather says she thinks escapes are important and neccesary for her. i agree. sometimes you have to step outside of yourself and see something different. take something new in. gain fresh perspective. and thats the only way you can make sure youre ok.

today is saturday november 25, 2006 and everyone's escaping.

most uga students are headed back to campus to escape the confines of home life and to bask in the glory of college football. georgia tech students are also there, escaping from their college life and actually experiencing a real school. oh snap.

one of my friends is escaping to the beach with his girlfriend. after time and distance apart i could read the excitement about this week on his face. he is so in love.

one of my friends is escaping to some godawful locale for a secret road trip. may the force be with you my darling.

kelley is as usual escaping to her bed even though she says shes going to wake up at a decent hour.

as for me i am escaping the tennessee hills back here in roswell. this trip has been a time of tying up loose ends and mending broken relationships. im so happy with the way things have turned out and im glad i did everything i did over this break. i needed it.

p.s. dont think for one second ms amanda henleben that we dont miss you around here. actually i can only speak for myself, but i miss you mucho! i cant wait to see you in a few weeks!

And if it takes shit to make bliss, then i feel pretty blissfully.

you may tire of me
as our november sun is setting
cause im not who i used to be.

what are you thankful for? im thankful for the wonderful live with which God has blessed me. I am often ungrateful and unappreciative, but we live in a beautiful world. im thankful for family and friends, and i find that this is even more true since ive been away from home. you appreciate things more when you distance yourself from them...at least this is sometimes the case. im thankful for mac computers and nikon corporation as a whole. im thankful for the internet and books and visa and starbucks. im thankful for photoshop jettas my dog coco down comforters sweat pants the inventor of the tampon john mayer wes anderson and haigwood studios.

i could say most of all this year im thankful for forgiveness, redemption and trust. ive needed more than my share of all three this year.

we all have things we need to work out and maybe mine are all the more apparent because im writing this thing to the public and im overdramatic about everything so it makes me look really manic. but i do not belong in an insane asylum and dont believe that for one mintute i thought that was funny. im not a fairweather friend. i want to be friends always, best friends always. and maybe you dont want that right now. and if thats true im sorry i dont fit into your schedule. im sorry im not who you want me to be right now. but you said you needed me and i interpret that to mean you need me. not you need me when you arent to busy needing someone else. so surely as the sun is setting outside my front window right now youll be pissed at me for writing this. we'll get in an argument and youll win because i never know how to effectively respond to you. just remember i never asked of anything from you. all im asking for is a little of your time and for when you leave me, whether it be forever, for the night or just at the end of a conversation, that you say goodbye. just a simple goodbye like i mean something to you, because i know i do.

heres to all the turkeys of the world, cranberry sauce from a can, annoying and evil aunts who make fun of me in all respects and make me want to slit my wrists, family traditions, airport traffic, late fall walks, and of course to you, my friend.

clear the area.

Love, love…you’re already home.
Party’s over and you don’t look so good.

You find your way back down.
And I’ll keep the area clear…please clear the area.
When you find your way back down…in one piece.
Then I’ll just be waiting here…right here.

this trip home is not at all what i imagined it to be. i thought i would be busy bustling from one friend's house to another. catching up on the college/high school life. portraying myself as some kind of wildly happy and successful student. instead i slept until 1030 and havent really done much since. i have a lot of things i need to get done, but nothing im particularly interested in doing. i wanted to go take pictures this afternoon, but i mostly just moped around the house not knowing what to do.

apparently home isnt the cure all for my disease. in fact all ive wanted to do since i got here is cry and for a very long time i couldnt. i couldnt pinpoint why i was so sad. still cant actually.

last night after dinner i met jordan at the studio. i dont know why. things were weird whenever i went to visit and i didnt want it to be like that anymore. i thought maybe we could talk things out. i think it was good i went. i feel so awkward here now. i feel so awkward there now. im just pretty awkward.
'
as much as i joke about it now, there is a reason jordan and i were together. maybe i was emotionally unstable at the time, but i cant and wont blame it all on that. he was a great first, yes first, boyfriend to have. he would have walked through fire for me. he was patient with me. he bought kelley dinner. i showed up on robyns doorstep on the verge of tears, the tears i needed to have so badly, and as robyn ran around yelling at penny and carrying an enormous bowl of stuffing down to the basement, ironically actions much like the things id seen her do oh so many times before, i looked down her hallway and thought about this place. the site of pool parties, countless late night visits and talks by me, post prom party, two of my new years were rung in at this place, concerts, digiorno pizzas, huge chocolate chip cookies, water balloon fights, online prom dress shopping, and always knowing that her room would be pink and full of the newest and greatest wonders from sephora and the rest of perimeter mall. the people of the university of tennessee know nothing of these things. they dont know who i am. they see me and my tackle box full of art supplies and think im crazy, but she knows. robyn knows about the time we spent at two am in her basement on one of the last nights of the last summer of our lives and how we looked like crackwhores. robyn knows what it takes to gun down big mac daddy bri in the senior lot and con him into going to prom with me. robyn knows i dont like blueberries or cherries on my cheesecake. robyn knows about the time katherine and i found a nasty lizard in her pool. robyn knows who my greatest weakness and my biggest vice is. she knows all these things and she still loves me. in fact id venture that sometimes she loves me more because of all these crazy things. and that is what the blonde small town whiskey loving bombshells of tennessee are missing.

they just dont get it.

i dont why i went last night and maybe i shouldnt have. but i think i should have. and whatever was said and done was said and done for a reason. im not hurting myself by it. im saying goodbye. wrapping things up in aluminum foil and putting them in the freezer.

its time to say goodbye to a lot of things. i went as far as i could possibly go and now i have two options: go completely off the deep end or turn around. id prefer the turn around method.

if i were to transfer to uga only two of my classes would actually transfer. and probably none of my classes next semester will.

you cant stay there and you cant come here. youre stuck my dear.

cheesecake tonight with the girls. i cant believe we're all going to be together again. i need this more than i need my left hand right now.

feelin the same way all over again.

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend out days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang out heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

with the familiar territory of home comes the old as well. old feelings. old memories. old places. old people. there is both good and bad within this spectrum of things. retiring to my room tonight i stopped to look out our front window. the front window that up until august i passed every night for the past 7 years. each night i looked outside before i made my way up the stairs to wear my purple paradise surely awaited me. the scene tonight was unique, as each night is different from the last or any others past or future, but it had the characteristics of any late november night i knew. cool glass. bare tree in the front yard. faded grass bathed in the orange of the streetlight. it made me remember all those 5am mornings. smell of chlorine. the prayer that granville would somehow get lost on the way to the pool and we all could go home to sleep for just another 30 minutes or so. it made me remember the nights i sat down in the cold basement staying up way too late because i wanted to be there. almost dying at school the next day because i was so tired. but damn it was always worth it.

and as life and all its cycles take their course i cant help but feel the same way all over again. i just keep digging my own grave. and i deal with it. but at some point i have to search for something more permanent in my life. something that i know will last past a stupid fight. something i can talk about. something i dont have to talk about. and i keep telling myself the truth is angie you are a stupid stupid girl. you say one thing and you do exactly the opposite. you say never and then you go for it. do you honestly think success is reached this way? you need to get over your self and stop believing that people need you. no one really needs you because no one really needs anyone. you need to stop wishing for things that wont happen and chasing half-assed dreams. you need to get the fuck over it and you need to get the fuck over yourself. you are hurting yourself everyday and you dont know what the hell to do about it.

everybody's got their demons. their flaws. their hubris. try as you may it will never really go away. you can run but you cant hide. you can attempt but you will fail.

lets talk about this in the morning.

we looked like giants.

im at home! my journey has come to my next stop...good old roswell. my odometer reads 620 miles now. i spent last night in athens catching up with old friends, including a few i didnt expect to see. over huge pizzas we recounted memories of college english and gossipped of where everyone stands these days. those who have now lost scholarships, gained weight, and lost sight of what was once their bright futures.

a late night campus tour and sunday night football ensued. i think i gave uga less credit than it deserved initially. everytime i visit i want to go there. im all too afraid this is more about the friends i already have there than the actual college itself. in august i had to get out. i had to. the choice i made was the best one. God knows what would have happened if i had gone straight to uga. but maybe i will end up there. i refuse to discount anything these days. people have always told me i reminded them of a crackwhore...maybe thats the route to go.

so im glad i went to uga this weekend. very glad. nothing significant happened, but somehow im really glad i went. it was part of my journey. the best part is, in truth my journey is just beginning, yet thus far i have learned so much. i think i am quickly realizing how immature i really am. ive always considered myself to be a little more level-headed and deep than my peers, but even if this is true, thats not neccesarily a sign of maturity. i have a lot to learn. i have a lot of growing to do.


we looked like giants.