im very tired today and i have one of those tears before bedtime headaches. i wish i could be someone else for just a little while, but the problem is you can never run away from yourself. the great thing about me is i can never make up my mind...not. im probably just expecting too much. of myself and of others. i dont know what to say or do anymore. i just want to lay down and be someone else. i want to be able to call things on my own terms, but that will never happen, it always turns out wrong or i mess it up somehow. i just want things to be easier and instead they just get progressively harder. and i want to stop doing everything wrong. you want me to give you answers and i dont have any except that this is me and how messed up i am.

i shoudnt have written this it will only lead to trouble later.

spring cleaning

i think theres a reason there four seasons in a year, and not just one and it has nothing to do with climate changes.

its about people changes. i think humans would go crazy with just one season. we all need a little variation now and then. i put my winter clothes away today. im going to be so happy to be living somewhere slightly more permanently, and even more happy not to have two houses worth of stuff crammed into one. im really not even that excited about school next year, i suppose its more all the stuff that goes with that. living in athens: not so exciting for me quite honestly, but going back to school to do what i love doing once again will be nice, being around peers and living in a more conventional college situation will be better and getting the unique opportunity to start the whole college thing kinda over again is exciting.

the Bible says there is a season for everything. Pete Seeger wrote a song about it.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

I am in a better frame of mind now. I want to see things more positively these days. I think its important. Working alongside a girl known for her negativity and bad attitude has made me want to strive to do the opposite because i see how ugly it can be. such a thing is hard for a girl known for her brooding and harsh sarcasm, but im not changing who i am, just the angle of things. i want to look back on my life and know that i savored every second of it and every person in it and every thing that happened because i wasnt too busy looking forward to the horizon, hoping for better things to come, when all i ever had control over was right in front of me.

springtime will do that to a person.

will i ever be well? will i ever be totally normal? will i ever stop overanalyzing everything? i should hope so, but the odds are stacked against me.

this year has been an interesting one, i guess thats the best way to call it. unlike any other before and probably any after. i made some big changes, booted some people out, invited a few in, said goodbye, said hello, got my teeth yanked out and made some art along the way. and if theres one thing i can say it is this: never forget the value of those you keep close. you will never be able to even come close to understanding how important they are, but just give it a whirl for their sake.

maybe life really isnt about what kind of car youre driving, whether or not you have correct directions or even bothered to get them beforehand, or whether or not you even know where you're going. maybe its about the people sitting next to you incessantly changing the radio station, talking your ear off and making the whole thing worthwhile. love those people.

im off to athens now for portfolio review, wish me luck : )

ill leave you alone. ill stop taunting you and ill stop feeling sorry for myself...sometime soon. i just need to get my ass off the internet and start doing something.

i miss you, but thats my business.

2+2=?

Where the touch of the lover ends
And the soul of the friend begins
Theres a need to be separate and a need to be one
And a struggle neither wins
Where you gave me the world I was in
And a place I could make a stand
I could never see how you doubted me
When Id let go of your hand

And the heavens were rolling
Like a wheel on a track
And our sky was unfolding
And itll never fold back
Sky blue and black

And Id have fought the world for you
If I thought that you wanted me to
Or put aside what was true or untrue
If Id known thats what you needed
What you needed me to do


thank you drew for that, beautiful lyrics if ive ever heard them.

im not sure if im ready to write yet, if i will know what to say or if i trust myself enough with this keyboard right now to let my voice be heard how i want it to come out. i will give it a try.

im sitting in the middle of a crowded hallway at school and im not really sure im up to doing this right now. but i keep thinking maybe this will help somehow.

each day gets a little better and a little worse, which must mean im not really moving anywhere. each day im reminded of things that now must change or will never be. i check my phone for text messages, but there will never be any, no one else ever texts me. the vast expanse of the summer and college and everything else now seems greater and more empty than ever. its more than i can handle to think about right now. one day at a time they say.

apparently im not supposed to be sad, seeing as how this is my doing. and even if that werent true, its been few days, so apparently im supposed to be good as new again ready for my new life in a new town shed of everything but myself.

in case you were wondering the above is not true, im not ok right now. and when i dont talk about it, its because you cant hear the screaming inside for someone to help me to try to piece everything back together again.

but no ones going to hear that i dont expect them to. its not their problem its my own. its my doing its my fault. i pissed in my bed and now ill lie in it alone.

to you, i am so sorry, and if theres anything good i can say about this whole situation its that maybe now you can go out and get what you deserve, because you deserve so so many things. you deserve more than i could ever provide for you in my selfishness and my business and my ignorance. and i know that you thought the world of me but i am just another girl with a sackful of problems and a much too cold hearted disposition for a wonderful soul like yourself. you are going to be fine, you are going to be wonderful, it is me who will always be the one missing out. i never lied to you about anything and i understand if you dont believe anything i ever say to you again, i suppose thats how it works at times.

and i know you dont believe me, and you may not understand, and i dont expect you to, but all i ever wanted for you and all i ever wanted you to see was the things i mentioned above.

i lost my best friend today.

it ended where it began.

and it keeps hitting me in little pieces hurting more and more each time. after over a year a person becomes pretty ingrained in your life. and now im seeing how everything somehow has a connection to him. the worst feeling i could ever have was just sitting there in the park with my head on his shoulder taking in the last few moments as much as i could before what i knew would happen transpired.

i hope i did the right thing.

its all happened so fast i dont know what to think anymore. i cant even believe its real. so much of my life is different now...all of my life is different now. my future looks completely different now. i m not sure what to think. and i feel so awful, and so sorry for it all.

i will possess your heart

It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read - just yet

You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart

Have you ever eaten something and you couldnt get the taste of it out of your mouth for hours? You tried drinking water or eating something else or sucking on a mint and nothing will cut it. A bad taste in your mouth.


I've got a bad taste in my mind. Theres no way for me to put this without sounding completely high and i dont expect any of this to make any sense to anyone other than myself, but ever since i could remember ive had these certain vague images of unexplainable origin that i see in my mind whenever a certain feeling comes over me. theyre images of vacancy, loss, obscurity, postmodernism, loneliness. i see stretches of urban interstate with the cheap looking orange glow of the street lights. roadside motels of broken houses and broken dreams. vending machines. blues guitars. cigarettes. pornography. darkness. polyester. airports. stale coffee. the end of the world.

I'm not really sure where these things came from and why they stick with me, but ive carried them with me all my life. Whenever i find myself at the helm of an unprescribed period of time, it seems daunting to me, and these images come to mind. i feel a great deal of uncertainty. of uneasiness. i feel like im doing something wrong yet ive done nothing, perhaps that is what is wrong. like a bad chess player i dont know my next move. meanwhile i cant get the eerie chords of i will possess your heart out of my head.

well damn, you can be the first to know i just got into georgia.

the feeling still presses on.

this is new

its sunday and i think i may actually be able to make it through the week without a complete mental breakdown this time. for the first time in a long time i have had the wonderful privilege of being both motivated and left alone for a few days. No one called me to essentially tell me that if i didnt go to this place or meet with these people they would be quietly mad at me. no one made plans for me without my permission, and no one assumed i was available. no one came in from out of town, and no one asked me to cover their shifts.

i know i have a tendency to be a very selfish person, unfortunately its an only child thing, which makes it a toughie to change. but i think there are some times when not only should you be selfish, but you must be selfish. by the same token, even when you have to be selfish you have to do it right. theres a mean way and a nice way to do it. but when youre knee deep in school work, completely and utterly sleep deprived and stressed out of your mind, thats when you know its ok to say no. ive still got a lot on my plate, but at least for the time being things are looking a little brighter and a little less insane.

and for those who said i couldnt do it, i am doing it right now. i have taken steps toward doing what i want to do, and its working. and youll never know, youll never understand and perhaps youll never listen, but i have proved you wrong.

mirror mirror

when my turn came
i was ashamed
when my turn came
i was ashamed
of her

ive been taking a trip into the past, not really out of my own wanting to do so, but just out of accident. random occurrences that take me back to places i didn't ask to go. i've been listening to all the wrong cds and songs. documents, people, pieces of art keep turning up that remind me of things id rather not remember. i went to the high school the other day, down D hall. I think ive forgotten everything about high school except senior year, so i thought of yearbook and cassaniti. and spring break and conversations in the car and psuedo Bible studies and my new computer and colvin and my internship and haigwood and my stupid fucking optimism about life as it continuously slapped me in the face for the next year and a half or possibly even up until now. i sat at my place at the desk as kirk explained to us his anxiety attacks and i remember sitting in that purple office with that south african lady, i think her name was diane. she told me to read a certain book, which i didnt. i was just another number on her list, im not so sure she ever really listened to me. as i took kirks paper work and there was a bustle in the office i saw in his face that he was fighting off one then and there and it made me want to cry. am i over all that now? i'd like to think it was just a faze but only time can tell. i think its quite possible to almost completely block out certain things in your mind to the point where you almost dont remember them at all...save when you hear the right song and youre back in your car in knoxville with tired eyes driving over the bridge, you can smell the cold concrete of the classroom you can feel the heat of the never ending summer sun outside. some days i can handle these memories and some days i cant, but they dont come around too often, just something about lately...im having a lot of trouble with myself lately. nothing new i suppose. i dont know what i want and i dont know what im expecting of myself. as usual im leaving all others out of my plans, choosing instead to pursue my own wants and needs. im just so sick of it all. i cant help sometimes but feel like i hate myself for what ive done in the past, who ive allowed myself to be and how i treat others now.

this is why i am stressed, it is not work, it is not school, it is not the quickly incoming summer, it is not the future, it is not the review, it is not the fact that i am blatantly out of shape. it is me. how can i be of any use or benefit to anyone else if i am not ok with who/how i am? and im afraid its never going to go away. why cant i just turn away from these things? why cant i just leave it alone?

frustuuuuration!

i
well theres my drawing for pr so far. i dont like drawing self portaits, i already make people look ugly and awkward enough when i draw them, no need to do it to myself and make me have low self confidence on top of all that. sometimes i wish i made myself draw more, or at least art more. my entire childhood i can remember spending entire weekends or hours after school working on stupid little projects i dreamed up, creating all kinds of things, the kind of creativity i envy now.

ive barely had time to think, much less draw. if i can make it through the next two weeks or so, the rest of the semester should be piece of angel food cake. ive been in communication with several area photographers, and it seems like this summer will at least involve some kind of work with that, maybe even really super awesome internship with an amazing guy, though i think i lack the physical strength and lifting ability for that one. ugh, im tired of thinking about it so much. i wish there was just a happy road and you just walked down it and that was that, that was all the decision making you had to do. but i guess its not that like, so ill just keep freaking out i suppose haha.

if i could do whatever i wanted right now, here is what i would do (in no particular order):
fly down to some warm beach somewhere
enjoy some crab legs
use the million dollars that a random passerby gave me to peruse local boutiques
receive my admissions letter from the dean of the university himself
suddenly pick up some mad drawing skills
fly back here
step on that evil bitchy bride's face (yeah thats right, you sign that contract lady)

oh well. i guess im off to the high school and work instead.

ahhh!

i need to calm down. i feel way in over my head. i wake up tired because i know i didnt sleep well because my body was in a state of panic all day. im worried about school im worried about my next school im worried about portfolio review im worried about my job im worried about what i'll do this summer im worried about my projects im worried about my relationships im worried about how ill ever get this stuff done. i dont know if ive ever been this devastatingly worried about this many things at one time. im scared to pick up the phone or check my email or go outside for fear of discovering something more i have to carry on my back. its been like this for several days and im not sure how long the average human can go like this before they crash. i know theres only so much i can do, theres only so much i can take on at once. i have to just go down the list one by one and deal with each thing as it comes. but it seems like each thing is linked to the previous one. in theory they all must be done at the same time otherwise the whole thing will come crashing down. its too much for anyone to expect of themselves. yesterday i took my laptop to school so i could work on other projects and other things for other classes as i sat blankly in class. yeah i guess thats how bad it is. ive just gotta hang on, things will be better soon.