curbside prophet

things are winding down in the knox. and as strange as thanksgiving may have been, winter break will be better, and i cant wait for all the good times and more importantly the photography. i miss both things.

today as i was leaving the libraray, a guy walked up to me and said excuse me. he seemed a little nervous and unsure of himself. i figured he was going to try to ask me out or something. how narcisistic of me.

before i proceed i must preface the next little bit with this:

you had to be there. i dont think scary movies are scary. i dont get freaked out by abnormal activities easily. i sat through hostile without issue. im not enthralled with or freaked out by the paranormal. this guy wasnt strange. he wasnt one of the evangelists constantly roaming the streets and screaming about eternal damnation. he was just a guy. he genuinly seemed like a guy who just had a notion to do this and say this to me.

ok on with the story:
he looks at me and with a nervous demeanor says "I just felt like i needed to tell you that God loves you. God loves you and there are going to be some big changes coming in your life."

he sounded positive and for all i know he could be making this up as a source of entertainment. im not going to lose sleep over it or anything. but just like after reading a horoscope, it always sticks in the back of your mind and follows you wherever you go. its prominent because you let it be so. what if big changes, even positive ones, come as a result of negative events? worst case scenario, what if someone has to die for me to see what i need to see.

i called my dad. i just had to check. called me a paranoid psycho i dont care. i needed that piece of mind.

i went to cru tonight with mary beth and elizabeth. they havent invited me there in a while, so when they did tonight i felt compelled to take them up on it. the long and short of it was this:

ive been looking to everything and everyone to help me feel better. the past few months have been tough on me, on all of us i think. ive looked to the counsel of friends, love and falsified love, forbidden love, forbidden lust, boastful narcisism, and even professional assistance to help me with the inner demons i have. the answer has been in front of me all along i just thought there might be a different way to get to where i want to be. aq cooler more socially acceptable way. but there isnt. there never is and there never will be.

my movement tonight to each of you is to call someone you love who wont expect your call. call them and tell them how you feel. call them and be there for them. we all need each other.

yay for canadian graphic designers and stuff!

so to the stranger from canada, i thank you for your kind words. it is a little disconcerting that complete strangers can read the often extraneous details of my life i choose to post here, but the reason i do it, instead of keeping a private journal or sketchbook, is because i want people to know they arent the only ones...and in my case, i sometimes need to know im not the only one too. so thanks to all of you who read this and leave comments and concerned messages and care enough to drop by once in a while. as of today i have had 2000 hits since i started my counter in march. i never knew so many would care to read the junk i post here. but what's more fun than reading about other people in the raw? i mean its like rubbernecking on the highway, you just cant help but look at the wreckage and destruction.

so to celebrate the 2000 hits thing lets all have sponge cake in my dorm room and swap stories!

no seriously, dont come to my room expecting cake. all ive got is a metal trash can liz dented with her head on her way down last night and some stale pop tarts.

what is a blog anyway? lets look it up:
Main Entry: blog
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page; also called Weblog, Web log
Example: Typically updated daily, blogs often reflect the personality of the author.
Etymology: shortened form of Weblog
Usage: blog, blogged, blogging v, blogger n
Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English, Preview Edition (v 0.9.6)

hmmm...so i dont really know why i even started this thing. and as time has gone by i have gotten bolder and bolder with my entries. cussing, telling the truth, using real names, putting my true feelings down in type. its gotten me into some trouble, and there are definitely many people out there in the world who dont need to see this. it is public, but that doesnt mean it isnt personal. so again, i hope you enjoy my car crash, dont get any bloodstains on your clothes folks, that would be icky.

meanwhile, im trying to decide what kind of photography i want to do over break. i have so many ideas, but nothings really sticking with me. everything is like little blips of light, but nothing really goes anywhere. i found a criticism of van meer's work that i was reading interesting. i love her stuff, but the criticism brought about an interesting point that i myself have contemplated a few times...people photography is so often staged to depict certain scenarios or circumstances and maybe thats a bad thing. i found it an interesting concept.

so maaaaaybe:
its time i stopped being polite,
AND START GETTING REAL

woooo.

[CONCENTRATION]

soooo i have this psychology exam tomorrow that i didnt realize until yesterday that i had. i havent read two of the chapters its going to cover. i havent studied at all yet. if i can make a good grade on this exam then i could completely blow the final and it wont matter...i need to have the ability to blow the final. but i have this issue of being completely unable to focus. i spent literally all of yesterday evening talking to 2348278947 people online and facebooking. grant it, i did finish two drawings, but they look like crap to so there's that. oh well im just ranting but seriously, i need to keep in mind that i only have two, or is it one? i think its one more tuesday here after this. i gotttttttta focus. being ADD is for break time.

bitches! knitters! scandal in room 305!

could we get any crazier in here? between the five hundred way im conversations, hair dye, penises on the wall, gingerbread men on the door, pseudo dangerous devices in the art building that turn out to be just sculpture, the boyfriends trying to take back the girlfriends, the inappropriately nude photos, and the drama oh the drama.

i have decided i am the most boring person in the world. i dont do anything. i dont have interesting quirks. i dont go interesting places. i dont have interesting stories to tell. i dont know much about the world. i tend to shy away from risks. i kinda like the same record playing over and over and over and over again.

sooooooooo...lets make things interesting. ive got to do what i can to make things a little more lively up in here. so when you ask me if i want to do that. that? yes that. i say yes. i need some good stories to tell. and im tired of hyperbolizing.

i went to dinner tonight with a girl whos getting married in a year. at the age of 25 which is only two years from now for her, she wants to have children. shes already got it figured out such. my suitemate is struggling with the thought of rekindling past love. i can understand how she would want to be in that place again but is afraid of getting hurt again. my roomates desperately in love and theres not much she can do about it. in the end we're all just doing what we can to control our destinies. tempting fate. taking the road that will yield the most interesting journey, or so we think. we get hurt. we fall down. we get ourselves in situations we cant explain. situations we're ashamed of.

all for the sake of saying we lived our lives.

it all comes down to creating time
you dont always have to make it rhyme
we'll all drive off with our hybrid lives
chances are
we'll make it back.

never quit.

would it be weird if i quoted another blog? is this against some kind of copyright law? is it stalkerish? who cares, apparently many of us are living more parallel lives than we realized. so heres a snippit from ms. caitlyn's blog:

"The older you get, the more reality sets in. You find your life straying more and more from the fairy tale you had set out for yourself in childhood. You find yourself in relationships that don't make sense, you find yourself doing things you swore up and down you wouldn't, you find yourself in situations you never could have predicted in a million years. You don't even know yourself anymore. You ask yourself, what the fuck, am I doing? But you keep doing it over and over again."

last night was kinda awful. i was sad about feeling out of place here and i really came to realize that i feel so empty and lost right now. i dont belong in roswell anymore. my friends at uga and other places dont need me anymore despite the fact that i probably need them more than ever. they are busy bustling about to other friends and boyfriends and girlfriends and apparently i just dont have as many friends as i thought i did. at the same time i dont belong in knoxville right now either. im kinda ready to go back, but i know if i leave early, ill just be returning to an empty room, a pile of alluded work and the realization that now i dont even have home to look foward to because home isnt all its cut out to be.

heather saw a shooting star the other night. i didnt see it so i suppose technically i dont get a legal wish on that one, but if i could wish for something it would just be to be ok and be happy again. im just an emotional basketcase rollercoaster these days. it takes almost nothing to set me off. in the end you find yourself looking for things to make it better and nothing ever works out like you hoped it would because nothing can fix you because in reality nothings wrong with you. i just hurt. and i cant fix it and i dont know why and i dont know when it will go away but i just want to be chill and easy going and instead i find myself fearing the worst and that something is seriously wrong with me and ill never be normal again.

and then youre just like calm down with the drama your life is fine. you are happy you just arent the same kind of happy. you make it fine day by day. you havent gained 3287429874 pounds. im generally healthy. i have a few people i can kinda talk to. i am making decent grades for myself. but i just cant get over the fact that i dont feel well right now. i am not comfortable in my current state. i know this because i find myself last night at 1230 turning my computer back on after turning it off for the night, hoping my friend will be online but knowing he wont because hes probably asleep, seeking comfort because im crying because im coming to the afformentioned realizations and it makes me incredibly sad and lonely.

i went to church this morning for the first time in a long time. the sermon was called something like "when youre tired of it all" haha wow, nice timing. i always have a tough time paying attention to even the best speakers, but i did catch one part that stuck in my mind:

"God's delay is not neccesarily God's denial. Never quit."

im back in a sour mood tonight. ughh sorry readers.

this break is much not what i expected it to be and what i find even more surprising is that im kinda ready to go back to ut. has my escape become the place im now supposed to call home? i thought i was escaping from knoxville and now it appears that knoxville is my escape from roswell. i dont really feel like i belong in either place anymore and that leaves me with a very empty feeling. maybe i was expecting too much out of this break, but not much has been going on. personally for me it was a good time of realization and growth. however there were several occasions, like right now, that i felt just as lonely here as i do in knoxville. i guess i wasnt expecting that. the time has certainly been relaxing and its been a good time to be with family at home but i feel like i accomplished nothing and i guess im just ready for the next two weeks to go by so i can get a real break. two more weeks. i can do this.

i love you roswell and i love you friends. i promise ill be better to both of you the next time im in town.

escape/exhale.

i was really excited to write this entry because my life has actually been a little interesting for once and theres something else to say besides "woe is me my life is unfortunate and sad." but when i sat down to write i didnt know what to say. this is my last full day in roswell and im not sure how i feel about that. i love being home. there is something almost magical and mystical about this place, and every time i return i expect it to be like nothing ever passed in between the here and now and when i first left. like everything will be just as it was in august. but at the same time i know there is much water under the bridge and its only going to get more and more awkward from here on out.

i started out the break unconventionally by leaving school three days early and then not going home once i did leave. my pit stop at uga left me feelings somewhat satisfied, but mainly uncertain. it put a very odd spin on my emotional state. i came home and felt completely let down and empty. i realized all the more how much i cant belong here anymore and how i am a stranger in my own town these days. no one told me i was supposed to move on haha. i had a very odd visit with jordan. after asserting myself a little and visiting with other friends, i came to realize that i am better off than i thought. the relationships that are most important to me will in fact stand the test of time and conflict and we will be okay in the end. sometimes you have to reorient yourself to realize certain things, but once you do its very gratifying and fulfilling.

last night may have been the real kicker for me though. i just dont understand why i cant find people at ut who like to do the strange odd random stupid things that my roswell friends and i enjoy doing. maybe its just because we're in college and the only thing we're ever supposed to do is get drunk and eat pizza, but i thought there was something beyond that. or below that. whatever direction you want to take our behavior. anyways, greg said it best when he said all the girls at ut kinda looked and acted the same. he's right. i still havent found those girls who find the humor (or is is youmor?) in stupid stuff like bananas, special kids at lunch, and hatred of life. i still haven't found the people who think taking weird pictures is a fun and enjoyable recreational activity. i still havent found the people who appreciate that i am in fact an artist to some degree and am no longer afraid to call myself one. i still havent found the people who will try new restaurants with me and go to obscure yet amazing concerts and community activities with me. i havent found the people im going to make the great memories with.

so until i do, i just continue making memories with the ones i already have memories with.

last night i figured i would probably end up doing nothing as i have been most nights since ive been home. i stained my furniture that i didnt make for sculpture class. kelley came over and we watched that 70s show for a while. then i decided to finally make my way over to heathers house. alex showed up and we hung out in her totally awesome turquoise room for the longest time. alex called megan and acted like me drunk...i cant believe they fell for it. just like the itching to be fucked, they are itching to see angie drunk. haha to no avail bitches, maybe ill just take care of that business with jax and sufs...anyways, we watched some weird, cheap, overtly sexual and unidentifyable movie, and before i knew it it was 230 in the morning.
we got up to leave and decided to all pile in my car and go down to ebenezer road. there already seemed to be more stars out than usual for a roswell night, but when we got to our roadside sketchy destination it was even more awe inspiring. ive seen much much better a night sky in my time, and you could hear the cars on arnold mill road off in the distance. but there is something beautiful about a night sky no matter what. as the fog rolled in and the monsters came out, the three of us laid out in the middle of the road. alex asked: "what happens if a car comes?" to which i replied: "we're fucked in the ass alex." but there we stayed, and no cars came and no hillbillies freaked out and shot us and for a little while all was well in the well.

i didnt realize ive known heather for five years and alex for three. it doesnt seem like its been that long. we're not that close, but sometimes youre so alike another person you dont have to be close, you just have to bask in the parallels of your lives when youre together and its like youre best friends who never met each other before now. heather says she thinks escapes are important and neccesary for her. i agree. sometimes you have to step outside of yourself and see something different. take something new in. gain fresh perspective. and thats the only way you can make sure youre ok.

today is saturday november 25, 2006 and everyone's escaping.

most uga students are headed back to campus to escape the confines of home life and to bask in the glory of college football. georgia tech students are also there, escaping from their college life and actually experiencing a real school. oh snap.

one of my friends is escaping to the beach with his girlfriend. after time and distance apart i could read the excitement about this week on his face. he is so in love.

one of my friends is escaping to some godawful locale for a secret road trip. may the force be with you my darling.

kelley is as usual escaping to her bed even though she says shes going to wake up at a decent hour.

as for me i am escaping the tennessee hills back here in roswell. this trip has been a time of tying up loose ends and mending broken relationships. im so happy with the way things have turned out and im glad i did everything i did over this break. i needed it.

p.s. dont think for one second ms amanda henleben that we dont miss you around here. actually i can only speak for myself, but i miss you mucho! i cant wait to see you in a few weeks!

And if it takes shit to make bliss, then i feel pretty blissfully.

you may tire of me
as our november sun is setting
cause im not who i used to be.

what are you thankful for? im thankful for the wonderful live with which God has blessed me. I am often ungrateful and unappreciative, but we live in a beautiful world. im thankful for family and friends, and i find that this is even more true since ive been away from home. you appreciate things more when you distance yourself from them...at least this is sometimes the case. im thankful for mac computers and nikon corporation as a whole. im thankful for the internet and books and visa and starbucks. im thankful for photoshop jettas my dog coco down comforters sweat pants the inventor of the tampon john mayer wes anderson and haigwood studios.

i could say most of all this year im thankful for forgiveness, redemption and trust. ive needed more than my share of all three this year.

we all have things we need to work out and maybe mine are all the more apparent because im writing this thing to the public and im overdramatic about everything so it makes me look really manic. but i do not belong in an insane asylum and dont believe that for one mintute i thought that was funny. im not a fairweather friend. i want to be friends always, best friends always. and maybe you dont want that right now. and if thats true im sorry i dont fit into your schedule. im sorry im not who you want me to be right now. but you said you needed me and i interpret that to mean you need me. not you need me when you arent to busy needing someone else. so surely as the sun is setting outside my front window right now youll be pissed at me for writing this. we'll get in an argument and youll win because i never know how to effectively respond to you. just remember i never asked of anything from you. all im asking for is a little of your time and for when you leave me, whether it be forever, for the night or just at the end of a conversation, that you say goodbye. just a simple goodbye like i mean something to you, because i know i do.

heres to all the turkeys of the world, cranberry sauce from a can, annoying and evil aunts who make fun of me in all respects and make me want to slit my wrists, family traditions, airport traffic, late fall walks, and of course to you, my friend.

clear the area.

Love, love…you’re already home.
Party’s over and you don’t look so good.

You find your way back down.
And I’ll keep the area clear…please clear the area.
When you find your way back down…in one piece.
Then I’ll just be waiting here…right here.

this trip home is not at all what i imagined it to be. i thought i would be busy bustling from one friend's house to another. catching up on the college/high school life. portraying myself as some kind of wildly happy and successful student. instead i slept until 1030 and havent really done much since. i have a lot of things i need to get done, but nothing im particularly interested in doing. i wanted to go take pictures this afternoon, but i mostly just moped around the house not knowing what to do.

apparently home isnt the cure all for my disease. in fact all ive wanted to do since i got here is cry and for a very long time i couldnt. i couldnt pinpoint why i was so sad. still cant actually.

last night after dinner i met jordan at the studio. i dont know why. things were weird whenever i went to visit and i didnt want it to be like that anymore. i thought maybe we could talk things out. i think it was good i went. i feel so awkward here now. i feel so awkward there now. im just pretty awkward.
'
as much as i joke about it now, there is a reason jordan and i were together. maybe i was emotionally unstable at the time, but i cant and wont blame it all on that. he was a great first, yes first, boyfriend to have. he would have walked through fire for me. he was patient with me. he bought kelley dinner. i showed up on robyns doorstep on the verge of tears, the tears i needed to have so badly, and as robyn ran around yelling at penny and carrying an enormous bowl of stuffing down to the basement, ironically actions much like the things id seen her do oh so many times before, i looked down her hallway and thought about this place. the site of pool parties, countless late night visits and talks by me, post prom party, two of my new years were rung in at this place, concerts, digiorno pizzas, huge chocolate chip cookies, water balloon fights, online prom dress shopping, and always knowing that her room would be pink and full of the newest and greatest wonders from sephora and the rest of perimeter mall. the people of the university of tennessee know nothing of these things. they dont know who i am. they see me and my tackle box full of art supplies and think im crazy, but she knows. robyn knows about the time we spent at two am in her basement on one of the last nights of the last summer of our lives and how we looked like crackwhores. robyn knows what it takes to gun down big mac daddy bri in the senior lot and con him into going to prom with me. robyn knows i dont like blueberries or cherries on my cheesecake. robyn knows about the time katherine and i found a nasty lizard in her pool. robyn knows who my greatest weakness and my biggest vice is. she knows all these things and she still loves me. in fact id venture that sometimes she loves me more because of all these crazy things. and that is what the blonde small town whiskey loving bombshells of tennessee are missing.

they just dont get it.

i dont why i went last night and maybe i shouldnt have. but i think i should have. and whatever was said and done was said and done for a reason. im not hurting myself by it. im saying goodbye. wrapping things up in aluminum foil and putting them in the freezer.

its time to say goodbye to a lot of things. i went as far as i could possibly go and now i have two options: go completely off the deep end or turn around. id prefer the turn around method.

if i were to transfer to uga only two of my classes would actually transfer. and probably none of my classes next semester will.

you cant stay there and you cant come here. youre stuck my dear.

cheesecake tonight with the girls. i cant believe we're all going to be together again. i need this more than i need my left hand right now.

feelin the same way all over again.

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend out days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang out heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

with the familiar territory of home comes the old as well. old feelings. old memories. old places. old people. there is both good and bad within this spectrum of things. retiring to my room tonight i stopped to look out our front window. the front window that up until august i passed every night for the past 7 years. each night i looked outside before i made my way up the stairs to wear my purple paradise surely awaited me. the scene tonight was unique, as each night is different from the last or any others past or future, but it had the characteristics of any late november night i knew. cool glass. bare tree in the front yard. faded grass bathed in the orange of the streetlight. it made me remember all those 5am mornings. smell of chlorine. the prayer that granville would somehow get lost on the way to the pool and we all could go home to sleep for just another 30 minutes or so. it made me remember the nights i sat down in the cold basement staying up way too late because i wanted to be there. almost dying at school the next day because i was so tired. but damn it was always worth it.

and as life and all its cycles take their course i cant help but feel the same way all over again. i just keep digging my own grave. and i deal with it. but at some point i have to search for something more permanent in my life. something that i know will last past a stupid fight. something i can talk about. something i dont have to talk about. and i keep telling myself the truth is angie you are a stupid stupid girl. you say one thing and you do exactly the opposite. you say never and then you go for it. do you honestly think success is reached this way? you need to get over your self and stop believing that people need you. no one really needs you because no one really needs anyone. you need to stop wishing for things that wont happen and chasing half-assed dreams. you need to get the fuck over it and you need to get the fuck over yourself. you are hurting yourself everyday and you dont know what the hell to do about it.

everybody's got their demons. their flaws. their hubris. try as you may it will never really go away. you can run but you cant hide. you can attempt but you will fail.

lets talk about this in the morning.

we looked like giants.

im at home! my journey has come to my next stop...good old roswell. my odometer reads 620 miles now. i spent last night in athens catching up with old friends, including a few i didnt expect to see. over huge pizzas we recounted memories of college english and gossipped of where everyone stands these days. those who have now lost scholarships, gained weight, and lost sight of what was once their bright futures.

a late night campus tour and sunday night football ensued. i think i gave uga less credit than it deserved initially. everytime i visit i want to go there. im all too afraid this is more about the friends i already have there than the actual college itself. in august i had to get out. i had to. the choice i made was the best one. God knows what would have happened if i had gone straight to uga. but maybe i will end up there. i refuse to discount anything these days. people have always told me i reminded them of a crackwhore...maybe thats the route to go.

so im glad i went to uga this weekend. very glad. nothing significant happened, but somehow im really glad i went. it was part of my journey. the best part is, in truth my journey is just beginning, yet thus far i have learned so much. i think i am quickly realizing how immature i really am. ive always considered myself to be a little more level-headed and deep than my peers, but even if this is true, thats not neccesarily a sign of maturity. i have a lot to learn. i have a lot of growing to do.


we looked like giants.

itching to be f***ed

so a lot has gone down since last we spoke. thats right, we're conversing now...you and me.

i left carthage saturday morning and drove the windy stretch of I-40 back to the knox just in time for gregs arrival. we spent the afternoon noshing at tomato heads, which is a guaranteed dining spot for anyone who comes and visits me at UT, touring th campus, walking the old city, and chilling in my dorm.

who knew equador was a place of major slavery?

now you know.

after an unenthusiastic "welcome to moes" and the dinner that followed we got dressed and headed over to this ultra ghetto room in the bottom of one of the dining facilities complete with exposed brick walls, faux stained glass light fixtures, and burnt orange bucket seats...naturally this room made the perfect backdrop for pre-formal pictures. we spent about an hour photo-ing it up and completely missed my big's pregaming session at her apartment because of it. oh damn.

which brings me to this: why cant i have friends at ut who will do stupid crazy stuff like goofing off and taking off the wall messed up retro style pictures in dressy attire with me? is that too much to ask?

greg says all the girls at ut kinda look and act the same. i think hes onto something.

so then we made the trek over to the bus full of drunken sorority girls and their frat boy counterparts. naturally the safe and logical inclination is to fit as many intoxicated people on the bus as possible. so they do. greg gets flashed by a variety of my sisters during this time...much to his chagringe.

we arrive at the women's basketball hall of fame aka: "super secret location" and greg and i spend the next two hours or so looking from above down on the dance floor making fun of our drunken peers and assigning them appropriate stereotypes ie: "guy who dances by himself" "guy who gropes his girlfriend" "guy who is completely whipped" etc. then greg and i got on the floor and showed them how its done in A Town. and believe me they were impressed. and one of my sisters thought greg was very hot. so that was good times. then of course there was barclay who was in a class all his own. namely because his name is barclay and was pissed about his confiscated flask and had no trouble telling everyone about how angered he was concerning this injustice. then there was the couple who was literally doing it on the dance floor...literally. save some for later guys geez.

so then we waited for the bus which literally came 30 minutes late. trecked back to the dorm. did some super spy ninja tactics to get greg into the room without complications of my ra. did some bitchin photoshop and called it a night.

the next morning we had breakfast with a hungover "nurse liz" and then greg was gone like a flash.

so yes, the saying is true. there are some days when we all wish we were greg jarvis. and even though ive never actually been greg jarvis, at least i can say i got to chill with him for a while.

friday november 17, 2006 715pm...actually locally its 615pm damn im in another time zone go me.

greetings all from the town of brush creek, tennessee which just so happens to not be anywhere near knoxville or the university of tennessee.

yes i was supposed to be at the university of tennessee tonight. but i was going to be the only one in the suite and theres nothing to do on campus and i have a feeling all i would have done would be eat cookies and wallow in the fact that i could have totally told greg to save the mileage on his car and somehow scored some death cab tickets, and slept in my own bed or at least chill out in athens for the weekend...and thus solidifying a week and a half long thanksgiving break haha.

but im glad gregs coming up and im glad im going to formal because its important and its fun and its social and i should try social every once in a while. but i didnt want to wallow tonight and i didnt want to be lonely. so i went to brush creek, tennessee.

actually for sanity's sake we'll call it carthage, tennessee...home of al gore and the lead singer of lonestar.

i went home with my suite mate elizabeth tonight. she kept trying to invite me to come with her, but it just never worked out for me with my schedule and such. this weekend it didnt work out either. greg is coming tomorrow. i have work i need to get done. errands to run before i leave campus for thanksgiving break. but i went anyway...hell might as well. and im glad i did.

yeah im only gonna be here about 16 hours or so. and Lord knows im already driving enough in the next few days. but i find this a crucial part of my journey. with the semester quickly coming to a close, new relationships forming, old standards there and ready as always. old relationships reblossoming, evaluations of self ever changing, ambitions on the rise, my future taking shape before my eyes, and other newfound perspectives on my life, the people in it, and whats really important in life, i feel like i need this. i need this week and a half. maybe this short period will be the most important week of my life. maybe the most memorable one. i can only hope that if it is, it is only for good things.

ive always thought influence to be a very important thing in life, and this week im going to get a lot of influence by being around some great people. people i need to be around. *

today its elizabeth and the people of carthage.
tomorrow its greg and my drunken pi phis
sunday a call to grandma and some quality time with some old friends
monday kelley mammy and pappy
tuesday haigwood studios
wednesday bitches in the burbs
thursday-sunday more old friends and super important super awesome people including but not limited to sarah bluvas, alex jud, heather jenkins, belton chappelle, more kelley henkel , ashley shitted her pants sparling and of course the lovely robyn abree.

*pertinent lessons and realizations will come with each passing day and may change based on people and environment.

so anyways THAT was just the introduction. the next few days are going to go by like a flash. and as much as i hate that, i love it when youre having such a great time that time passes like a flash.

160 miles later im in brush creek, tennessee. i feel like im on vacation, not because im in some exotic destination, but because i have escaped my cinder block domain and come to this small but peaceful place even if only my main activity consists of reading my psychologist-perscribed book "the anxiety and phobia workbook". elizabeth said it kinda depressed her to be here because this now seems so small and dull compared to knoxville. funny how i kinda felt the same way about knoxville. shes right though, visiting a home in the small town south typically tends not to bend toward the happy side of the spectrum. as a young adult who is making real attempts toward success, your recognize the lack of opportunity in places like these. it makes you realize how much you want to prove everyone else wrong. how much you want to do better and be better.

but something ive realized is that we discredit places like these. yes this is the podunk south. there are trailer homes with couches in the front yard and cars and school buses that havent moved for years. but if you say you want to travel the world if you say you want to see it all, then you have to start in your own country. if you dont understand the ways of your people, or at least educate yourself in them. then youll never truly know it all, no matter how many countries you visit or how many languages you speak.

theres something about a small town that gets me every time. im sure its because of my roots in one. elizabeth and i drove back to her house with the most amazing sunset as our backdrop. its amazing how many colors the sky can be when it feels like it. and you know what, it doesnt always feel like it. it went from a muted soft grey into these great grey-pink dollops all across the sky. ending in a purple and pink etching on the horizon. i swear its true. we went to see her grandparents i felt the love. i felt the bond. and they extended a hand to me. we came to her house and ate a wonderful meal, some of the best home cooked food ive ever tasted. but most importantly, i went outside an hour ago to get my math book, and the sky was black. not orange or purple or airplane-filled, but black. grant it, i kinda feared for my life as her street seems like the perfect location for some kind of drive-by country abduction, but the sky was black and i could see all of it, uninterrupted. this is something we dont get very often.

so i take these things with me. the awe-inspiring sunset. the beautiful rolling tennessee hills. the southern hospitality.

like it or not the south is in my blood. i will always find comfort here and though often hidden, i will always have a special appreciation for this place and what it is and what it has been to me.

say goodnight and go.

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

im so bored.

im bored of my classes. bored with my schedule. bored with sitting in this cinder block cubicle i call home. bored of knowing my friends through pictures and computer screens and long distance calls. bored with cafeteria food. bored with art history flash cards. bored with still lifes.

im so ready.

ready to get out of here. ready to laugh for real. ready to sleep in my bed. ready to pick up my camera again. ready to feel whole again. ready for something different. ready for something new.

i feel so flat these days.

haha i know what youre thinking...yes folks my bra size is lacking so in reality my flatness is not just a figment of my imagination. but thats not the kind of flat im talking about. im talking about a flattness of inner self. as far as my ambitions for the future in schooling and career, i am at least somewhat optimistic and hopeful. but personally, i very numb. i just keep wondering how many letdowns it will take for me to finally just give up. this is most certainly a cycle i get myself into...but things will be much better soon.

thanksgiving
fun times with the loves of my life
stressful finals
the end of the semester
more fun times with the loves of my life
Jesus bday bing drinking? haha
Christmas
New Years
Semester number two
ill be back and i wont be able to imagine my life any other way
work hard
find inspiration
fall in love
summmmer....

maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again
i dont know i dont know i dont know i think so.

i really dont give a flying flatoot about the emperor justinian and his attendents from the early byzantine empire in the church of san vitale at ravenna, italy in 547 CE or AD or whichever you choose to call it. and i certainly dont care to memorize these facts. if im lucky theyll leave my mind after about 1240 tomorrow and quite possibly never return again. if im lucky theyll stay long enough to help me pass my art history quiz.

you know they tell you to have fun and enjoy life. but its hard when you spend your time memorizing facts and making futile attempts not to sleep through lectures. helen has this quote up on the wall that says it perfectly:


"ive learned one thing here and thats to quit worrying about stupid things. you have four years to be irresponsible here. relax. work is for people with jobs. you'll never remember class time, but you'll remember the time you wasted hanging out with your friends. so, stay out late. go out on a tuesday when you have a paper due on wednesday. spend money you don't have. drink til sunrise. the work never ends, but college does."
-tom petty

he's right. so that basically makes my decision for me right? i should screw classes, leave on sunday and head to athens. thats what i'd like to do anyways. therefore it is what i should do right? ughh but then the parents start laying on the guilt trup and talking about metzs and it just makes me feel like ive gotta be the perfect child once again.

but then its your life
its your life
but then its your life
its your life
but youve only got one.

the exetentialist postmodern ipod generation apathetic bird flu world.

ive gotten on this kick where if i dont know something...i look it up and read about it. apparently its called being an educated citizen...who knew? so what do i look up today? some famous serial killers of course. its actually good because we're learning about fucked up people in psychology right now and this just goes right a long with the curriculum.

basically, ive found that inspiration for creative ideas for projects whether in photography or otherwise is often found by gaining knowledge and material through reading about things, looking at advertisements and other photography in magazines and such and watching movies. just getting out there and seeing whats up in the world really helps.

so i hope to gain a little knowledge about postmodernism. the effects of mass media on culture. maybe throw a little sociological analysis of our lovely generation, and i may have something going for me here. these are all things im somewhat fascinated with, so hopefully it will lead to something. ive got lots of great photography ideas floating around in my head right now, but when i think of distinct images, or how this is going to go down with the given models i have or the given setting i have or the given budget i have, it just doesnt always work out in my head.

1 weeeeeeeeeeeek.

do some drawing and furniture action tomorrow. art history and psych quizzes and a progressive dinner on wednesday. more drawing and furniture and vfc on thursday. class and shopping on friday. greg and formal on saturday. greg and pseudothanksgiving dinner on sunday. math on monday. and if im lucky im outta here after that.

now where to go once i leave God's country?

im sooooo ready. so so ready.

nonstop turkey party.

ok i have to go draw bananas.

its important.

hunger hurts but starving works when it costs too much to love.

i was recently asked what ive learned and it is surely this: we are all more alike than we realize and sometimes we're more different than we realize.

ive got friends still in high school. ive got friends in college in georgia. ive got friends in college in tennessee. ive got friends in college all over the country. ive got friends in the city. friends in the boonies. friends who are 18. friends who are 45. friends who are 75. friends who are black. friends who are white. yellow and brown friends. friends who would sell their soul to get married. friends who vow to stay single the rest of their lives. friends who lead Bible studies. friends who do drugs. friends who are in love. friends who find love alluding them everyday.

and amongst all these differences there's always some kind of amazing common ground.

so yeah girls. we're still looking. and yeah, we always go back to the things we told ourselves we never would. and yeah, we're always gonna have a friend who is a complete psycho bitch. and yeah, we're always going to have that friend we're not supposed to have. and yeah, we're always going to question what we do. and yeah, we're never going to live our lives quite as much as we should.

we're all a lot more alike than we think.

so that was a pretty good 15 hours or so. its funny how full a room can feel and in an instant how very empty it can seem. i looked at the clock: 3:45. just as much of the weekend left to be than had already passed. i want to go somewhere. i should go down to athens. amanda is sleeping alone tonight. i should go see her. beltons drunk up in gburg, that would be an interesting time.

but i dont. partially because i dont love driving 75 at night. trucks suck major ass. partially because i know i only have a week left here. i can do this. no need to put extra mileage on the car. partially because i have things that need to get done, and times like these are the perfect times to do it. psychology notes need to be written, furniture needs to be designed, art history needs to be studied, art critiques need to be typed, portfolios need to updated, prints need to be ordered, money needs to be dropped off, pen and ink drawings need to be completed...its all got to get done. might as well be ahead and ready for it right?

this weekend could be the best weekend of my life and im just letting it be mundane.

i shouldnt feel bad about it. these trips cost money. money i dont have.

one week. one week.

the man: to fear or to fuck?

have you ever experienced this phenomenon that you have an idea put into your head, or you come to some realization within yourself, and then thereafter that thing shows up in your life repeatedly to no end?

meet: me.

last night, or i suppose rather early this morning, i get called out for the things i dont do with my life. my hypocrisy. my inability to recognize and do what i want (or even what is truly fair), my stupidity in just doing what others expect from me.

the above argument makes me feel like shit about myself. but i dont loathe in it. i just get very pensive about it. i realize that as much as my girlfriends mean to me, i have other friends who care about me as well, and they deserve equal credit and favor. just because theyre newer doesnt mean they deserve any less. i assume they give me their all, and its only fair for me to return the favor. so to my girlfriends i must say this: i love you soooo much. you know i do. but the honest truth is, (and if you havent recognized this already you surely will when we all get back together) we are all alcoholic sluts now. and i for one am totally ok with that. theres no need for us to hold each other down like that. this is all part of life. we've gotta go out there and do our thing and show the world what we're made of in both the best and worst ways. and most importantly, we need to have our girlfriends there for us to let us know that all this is ok. yes its ok if you got drunk and made a horrible mistake. yes its ok if you dont have your life figured out right now. we need that assurance from these people, but it wont come unless we adjust our perceptions of the norm and understand a little more of what each of us is all about these days. so once again to my girlfriends, im pretty sure you love me back. and if this is truly true then you can be ok with me no matter how i choose to spend my time and who i choose to spend my time with. knowing how important each of you is to me, i can confidently say that i owe you one...or five thousand. so whatever you do im always going to love you. (and if you do bad stuff ill probably love you more haha).i hope the return favor stands.

so if you dont mind im going to try to live my life a little more. and in the process do it my way. and this time i wont use you girlfriends as a cheap blame excuse for why i shouldnt be a certain way or do a certain thing. im the guilty party on this one. and yes, he is my friend and im hoping he always will be.

[its not so pleasant and its not so conventional, it sure as hell aint normal but we deal we deal.]

what was said made me feel horrible though. how am i supposed to achieve my grand dreams when i cant even live my life in the podunk south?

the answer is as follows: one day at a time. i cant do it by myself, but i must. i must try at least. and i must be an observer of the world and all its worth and i must take it all in. the heartache, the breathtaking moments, the scenery, the people, the love will all come together eventually in the pallette of my mind and put me at a creative advantage over those who missed the good stuff because they didnt take the time to look out the window.

the truth is as clementine puts it: I’m just a fucked-up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. I’m not perfect.


its not an excuse. its just a fact.

so like i said, these things all come up in conversation last night. particularly this idea of truly living my life and not letting fear or other people dictate what i do.

i have so many thoughts rolling around in my head im like a machine in art class. ive never been that focused on a piece before. it could have been the cinnamon in my bagel this morning, or the marathon of sufjan stevens, iron and wine and coldplay during class on my ipod. or it could have been all the junk i was thinking about.

couldnt stand it anymore. after class i went for a run. by definition i hate running. after its over i love the feeling i have. but ive always had a hard time making myself move anywhere too quickly. i ran down to the river as i sometimes do, but i took a different path along the bank today. it was a beatiful day. i dont know how, but somehow i managed to cross through the industrial district and before i realized it i was running alongside I-40. i found my way back to campus, and when i came back to the room, mary beth said, "have you been running all this time?" "yes," i replied "do you realize youve been running for an hour?" she said. no i hadnt. i dont run. i certainly dont run for an hour.

so i suppose that was my first true emotional exercising experience. the music was right, the weather was right, and i was in the right state of mind to be angry and agressive at pounding the pavement.

i go to sculpture class redfaced even after a shower. i go to dinner. japanese bread crumb crusted talapia. mashed potatoes. mixed steemed vegetables. half a peanut butter cookie. i go to vfc and the speaker says this when defining fear of man:

"excessive sinful concern for what others think."

this hits me hard. this is just what just came up last night. this is what im dealing with and its following me around and haunting me. someones trying to tell me something.

stop being so fucking afraid of everything.

have you ever experienced this phenomenon that you have an idea put into your head, or you come to some realization within yourself, and then thereafter that thing shows up in your life repeatedly to no end?

yeah...see above

one of these days ill find my hilton head. until then i must depart. two of my favorite youngins arrive tomorrow, five days of school, then greg, then who knows what goes down after that. im pretty pumped for whatever it is.

hunger hurts but starving works, when it costs too much to love.

i could rage i could rant i could get pissed off but i just dont have it in me anymore.

every friend counts. and friends who are there for you in different ways than others count just as much as your "traditional" friends. and if people have a problem with that then fuck them.

you know what, i messed up. i did things i shouldnt have. then bragged about it. i sought redemtion in the eyes of people who cant redeem me anyway. and then i complained. i complained about the results of tough endings of relationships. i dug myself a hole and then got pissed off when they threw me in it. and im not cut out for this. ive got dreams and this is why they wont happen because i am fucked up its pretty plain and simple that all there is to it. i am incapable of stepping back for a second and not being a fucking hypocrite about it all. i wanted something bigger and better than where i came from but i cant seem to be the kind of person i need to get there. even when i try i do it wrong. i mess it up. i have always been one to stomp on the faces of those who really care about me. no i dont live my life. maybe if i knew how i would. every time i try to do something out of the ordinary i go too far. i mess it up. i do it wrong.

we all have parts of us that are ugly. we wear clothes because well for one its the socially acceptable thing to do, but also because we cover up what is biologically secretive and possibly embarrasing to us.

we all have parts of us that are ugly. and from time to time someone rips our clothes off and exposes us for what we really are.

i dont know how to deal with this. im not perfect and i hope that one day in your life youll realize you arent either. but im not going to point fingers or place blame or backlash because thats a childish thing to do. so i roll over and play dead. i take all the data into my brain and then have no idea what to do with it. you know i wish i could be the way i want to be but its a process and me crying my eyes out as i am now does not help things.

i wish my grandma was down at the beach again this winter. i should go see her. i should call her. i should talk to my parents. i havent talked to them since they left.

i wish i could go anywhere. but i cant right now. only like one week left.

im stuck i dont know hands up white flag.

i surrender.

[i just fixed my profile and im not really a fan but i suppose ill deal with it for now. i want you guys to still be able to make comments if you feel so inclined, but i suck at html, so theres that. theres also new links to blogs of friends, as it seems many are coming to understand the theraputic ability selling your life on the world wide web can have. if you are one of these people and dont want your address on this page, or would like for me to put it up here, let me know.] that being said...


watched it all night
but grew up in spite of it.
watched it all night
but grew up in spite of it.

i put this old picture up from the pink and white grad party to go along with what im thinking and feeling today.

first of all, i would like to let amanda know how proud i am of her and how much i love her. in light of recent events, it may be seen as odd that i am saying this now, but it has nothing to do with those events (or maybe it does a little bit, haha thats weird), but seriously amanda, you are out there doing what you love and kicking every one's ass while you do it. you are a true exemplory of taking life for what its worth, and at the same time, never taking it too seriously. though distance separates, i still love you just as much as i did when you were sitting in front of me and confused in mrs wesners class, as much as i did when you were laying next to me in my bed on some ambigious saturday night fucking around with innocent young men on myspace, as much as i did the may night we terrorized the entire city of roswell as you made illegal lane changes and screamed out to your anti-boyfriend nelly rap cd, as much as i did all those times you drove me around in the blue monster windows down dolphin hanging from the rearview mirror.

you are an example of what the rest of us strive to be. what the rest of us wish we were. the girl we will never regret having in our lives. the girl we will only regret that we didnt get to be around more often. few people can boast that while they exhibit behavior some would frown upon, they still have an almost saintly demeanor.

im so proud of you. and so proud that i can say i have known you as i do.

plus between your words and the words of caitlyn's blog i get to hear just what i need to hear right now.

this is your life. do what you want.

go cry about it why dont you.
go cry about it why dont you.
go cry about it why dont you.
my dear we're slow dancing in a burning room.

the truth of the matter is our generation is so lost and hopeless because no one in this world will believe in us. we fight apathy. we're scared we wont make it. we blame stuff on our parents. we wish we could have grown up in the good old days. people blame technology for our so called epidemic of laziness. we just want the same things people of the world have always wanted: to be accepted. to have and know love. to feel important. to be successful. to find meaning in our lives. to love what we do. to have someone to lay beside at night. these are all universal truths that dont change regardless of how time wears on society.

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills

'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up

I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold

Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love


i am just wandering around looking for someone to tell me what to do. i am wandering around wondering if i should just go ahead and do what my id tells me to. or if i should take a step back.

at this point i think the only reason im looking at stepping back is because thats what im supposed to.

amanda says live your life.

i say amanda kicks ass.

lego of my ego.

if you can find something to love in rainy day.

you wont have a worry in the world.

if you can find something to love in a rainy day.

you are set.


we all walk around now and breathe a little heaver because we realize that we can see our breaths and that makes us a little more fascinated, a little more invovled in it all.

just kinda makes me cold.

Thanks to some website for this next quote:

Id

The Id contains our primitive drives and operates largely according to the pleasure principle, whereby its two main goals are the seeking of pleasure and the avoidance of pain.

It has no real perception of reality and seeks to satisfy its needs through what Freud called the primary processes that dominate the existence of infants, including hunger and self-protection.

The energy for the Id's actions come from libido, which is the energy storehouse.

The id has 2 major instincts:

* Eros: the life instinct that motivates people to focus on pleasure-seeking tendencies (e.g., sexual urges).
* Thanatos: the death instinct that motivates people to use aggressive urges to destroy.

Ego

Unlike the Id, the Ego is aware of reality and hence operates via the reality principle, whereby it recognizes what is real and understands that behaviors have consequences. This includes the effects of social rules that are necessary in order to live and socialize with other people. It uses secondary processes (perception, recognition, judgment and memory) that are developed during childhood.

The dilemma of the Ego is that it has to somehow balance the demands of the Id and Super ego with the constraints of reality.

The Ego controls higher mental processes such as reasoning and problem-solving, which it uses to solve the Id-Super ego dilemma, creatively finding ways to safely satisfy the Id's basic urges within the constraints of the Super ego.
Super ego

The Super ego contains our values and social morals, which often come from the rules of right and wrong that we learned in childhood from our parents (this is Freud, remember) and are contained in the conscience.

The Super ego has a model of an ego ideal and which it uses as a prototype against which to compare the ego (and towards which it encourages the ego to move).

The Super ego is a counterbalance to the Id, and seeks to inhibit the Id's pleasure-seeking demands, particularly those for sex and aggression.



this stuff is what we're talking about in psychology...freuds theory of behavior involving the id, ego and superego.

can someone point me to my ego? the rational thing that sorts out the inner conflicts between moral insanity and all out sodomy?

the id lies beneath the water surface of the concious mind according to freud. the things you savagely want and desire to do, often which defy social and societal norms are entirely below concious reasoning. you want things you didnt even know you wanted.

and apparently thats ok. cause the superego will come in and try to be the saintly hero. then the ego will step in and balance it all out.

so can someone please point me in the direction of my ego? that would be great.

kiss by a rose

old habits are hard.

very hard.

to break.

its been one year. one amazing year. one interesting year. one life changing year.

all because i decided no one would die if i skipped dinner with friends and was a little late to the football game.

what the future holds is a very grand mystery for me now. the important thing is this: dont get scared. people who get scared dont live. they never do what they intended because they are always too busy preparing. i cant be this person. i wish there was a way to make this college thing go by faster. i know this is a part of life and a very fun experience, but at the same time, if i could be out there living my dreams wouldnt that be pretty fun too? i could be amazing. i could be different. the worlds going to end in 2012. we must get a move on. we must cram lifespans of 70, 80 or even 90 years into the next 5.

ive been thinking a lot about simultaneous life lately. how we each live our own separate lives all at once. its 7:04pm on a sunday, heres my predictions:

_helens typing a paper. i know this is true b/c shes sitting right here.
_robyns recovering from illness and attempting to study.
_jordan's bored.
_alex is considering doing homework but will probably wait until 2 tomorrow morning.
_my parents are sitting down to dinner.
_kelleys mourning the incumbent week.
_beltons thinking about life with his dog.
_gregs wistfully driving home way too fast.
_charlie's hopefully not in the art building.
_my grandma is sitting in front of the tv worrying about the world.

its interesting how many things and thoughts and moods and feelings can occur at one time.

appppppparently, i may be a hypochondriac. ive always known i have some certain tendencies, but maybe this is true. i think im mostly afraid of going out of my mind in some respect. in the end being afraid of having problems makes you have problems. i see this now. of course i dont think theres a true artist out there who is completely sane. so maybe this means im on my way to becoming a true artist.

i went out with "liz" this weekend. made some friends. saw the college party life in action. it was quite interesting. i shall hopefully do it again soon.

until then, off to the homework ive been avoiding literally all afternoon. gotta get done with college asap, the aztec meteor's on its way.

lyin in bed, just like brian wilson did.

i just realized ive been sitting at this computer since like seriously 5 this afternoon. thats awful. oh well, im just glad home football season is over after tomorrow. its exciting and stuff but mostly it limits the flexibility of how you spend your time on the weekend. im ready to have weekends when i can move my car whenver i want and go places and travel to visit my friends and such. this week has just been one of those lazy unmotivated and depressing weekends. theres nothing to do except what you dont want to do. im sleepy and i didnt do anything.

the doctor says i should regulate my sleep patterns. and eat better. and exercise regularly. and these things will make me better.

its cold outside.

2.5 weeks till thanksgiving.

theres spiders to build, still lifes to finish, photography professors to beg, formals to seek dates for, and selfs to get back in order until that time.

when youre dreaming with a broken heart.
the waking up is the hardest part.

im a loser baby so why dont u kill me

go cry about it why dont you?
go cry about it why dont you?
go cry about it why dont you?
my dear we're slow dancing in a burning room.


I am slow dancing in a burning room. cant stay here cant go back. my entire body feels tight. yoga helps for a while. i dont even really want to eat much anymore. i actually feel fine despite these things, but my body's reaction tells me otherwise. this is getting to the point where it transcends just being a little lonely to the point of being dangerous. i dont know what to do anymore. believe me if there were easy answers id have hashed it out long ago. but there arent. its so hard to find people you can truly identify with. everyones an alcholic or a pothead or a nerd or a combination thereof. theres nothing in between.

am i just, as they say here at tennessee, "shit out of luck?"

like kelley i find joy in other people's suffering. as horrible as it is, its nice to me to know that someone else isnt loving the college life. and there are still a few of us who have a little more than just slight doubts about our present as well as our future.

kelley doesnt know where to go.

jonathans out.

jenny's considering leaving.

alex is ready to graduate.

i dont know what the fuck jordan is doing, hes totally mia from my life.

minnie mouse apparently misses rawell according to her text.

helen wants to open the fucking window but she cant.

i want to get out of this ordeal without having to be on mind altering medication. i just want to take pictures. and be normal. and laugh.

i have no anxiety release anymore, and that is why somewhere between question 8: which of the following is not associated with anorexia nervosa? and question 9: the canon-bard theory differs from the modern theory in which of the following ways? i find myself clenched up wondering how im going to explain all this to the professor. how i can escape and still pass the class.

that test was easy. no need to worry. certainly no need for panic.

i cant seek my comfort in psychological medication and i wont seek it in chemical substance. i am not going to be that girl who loves college but doesnt even resemble the girl she used to be b/c she compromised herself so much to get where she is. i cant be that girl.

my dear we're slow dancing in a burning room.

im going to go to sleep now. i dont know when im going to wake up. lets hope sometime tomorrow, i still like the earth pretty good and all, im not ready to say goodbye yet. but ill go to sleep tonight and hope that when i awake pavlov's dogs will still be salivating into their cute little test tubes at the sound of the metronome.

just like he said they would.