the man: to fear or to fuck?

have you ever experienced this phenomenon that you have an idea put into your head, or you come to some realization within yourself, and then thereafter that thing shows up in your life repeatedly to no end?

meet: me.

last night, or i suppose rather early this morning, i get called out for the things i dont do with my life. my hypocrisy. my inability to recognize and do what i want (or even what is truly fair), my stupidity in just doing what others expect from me.

the above argument makes me feel like shit about myself. but i dont loathe in it. i just get very pensive about it. i realize that as much as my girlfriends mean to me, i have other friends who care about me as well, and they deserve equal credit and favor. just because theyre newer doesnt mean they deserve any less. i assume they give me their all, and its only fair for me to return the favor. so to my girlfriends i must say this: i love you soooo much. you know i do. but the honest truth is, (and if you havent recognized this already you surely will when we all get back together) we are all alcoholic sluts now. and i for one am totally ok with that. theres no need for us to hold each other down like that. this is all part of life. we've gotta go out there and do our thing and show the world what we're made of in both the best and worst ways. and most importantly, we need to have our girlfriends there for us to let us know that all this is ok. yes its ok if you got drunk and made a horrible mistake. yes its ok if you dont have your life figured out right now. we need that assurance from these people, but it wont come unless we adjust our perceptions of the norm and understand a little more of what each of us is all about these days. so once again to my girlfriends, im pretty sure you love me back. and if this is truly true then you can be ok with me no matter how i choose to spend my time and who i choose to spend my time with. knowing how important each of you is to me, i can confidently say that i owe you one...or five thousand. so whatever you do im always going to love you. (and if you do bad stuff ill probably love you more haha).i hope the return favor stands.

so if you dont mind im going to try to live my life a little more. and in the process do it my way. and this time i wont use you girlfriends as a cheap blame excuse for why i shouldnt be a certain way or do a certain thing. im the guilty party on this one. and yes, he is my friend and im hoping he always will be.

[its not so pleasant and its not so conventional, it sure as hell aint normal but we deal we deal.]

what was said made me feel horrible though. how am i supposed to achieve my grand dreams when i cant even live my life in the podunk south?

the answer is as follows: one day at a time. i cant do it by myself, but i must. i must try at least. and i must be an observer of the world and all its worth and i must take it all in. the heartache, the breathtaking moments, the scenery, the people, the love will all come together eventually in the pallette of my mind and put me at a creative advantage over those who missed the good stuff because they didnt take the time to look out the window.

the truth is as clementine puts it: I’m just a fucked-up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. I’m not perfect.


its not an excuse. its just a fact.

so like i said, these things all come up in conversation last night. particularly this idea of truly living my life and not letting fear or other people dictate what i do.

i have so many thoughts rolling around in my head im like a machine in art class. ive never been that focused on a piece before. it could have been the cinnamon in my bagel this morning, or the marathon of sufjan stevens, iron and wine and coldplay during class on my ipod. or it could have been all the junk i was thinking about.

couldnt stand it anymore. after class i went for a run. by definition i hate running. after its over i love the feeling i have. but ive always had a hard time making myself move anywhere too quickly. i ran down to the river as i sometimes do, but i took a different path along the bank today. it was a beatiful day. i dont know how, but somehow i managed to cross through the industrial district and before i realized it i was running alongside I-40. i found my way back to campus, and when i came back to the room, mary beth said, "have you been running all this time?" "yes," i replied "do you realize youve been running for an hour?" she said. no i hadnt. i dont run. i certainly dont run for an hour.

so i suppose that was my first true emotional exercising experience. the music was right, the weather was right, and i was in the right state of mind to be angry and agressive at pounding the pavement.

i go to sculpture class redfaced even after a shower. i go to dinner. japanese bread crumb crusted talapia. mashed potatoes. mixed steemed vegetables. half a peanut butter cookie. i go to vfc and the speaker says this when defining fear of man:

"excessive sinful concern for what others think."

this hits me hard. this is just what just came up last night. this is what im dealing with and its following me around and haunting me. someones trying to tell me something.

stop being so fucking afraid of everything.

have you ever experienced this phenomenon that you have an idea put into your head, or you come to some realization within yourself, and then thereafter that thing shows up in your life repeatedly to no end?

yeah...see above

one of these days ill find my hilton head. until then i must depart. two of my favorite youngins arrive tomorrow, five days of school, then greg, then who knows what goes down after that. im pretty pumped for whatever it is.