never quit.
would it be weird if i quoted another blog? is this against some kind of copyright law? is it stalkerish? who cares, apparently many of us are living more parallel lives than we realized. so heres a snippit from ms. caitlyn's blog:
"The older you get, the more reality sets in. You find your life straying more and more from the fairy tale you had set out for yourself in childhood. You find yourself in relationships that don't make sense, you find yourself doing things you swore up and down you wouldn't, you find yourself in situations you never could have predicted in a million years. You don't even know yourself anymore. You ask yourself, what the fuck, am I doing? But you keep doing it over and over again."
last night was kinda awful. i was sad about feeling out of place here and i really came to realize that i feel so empty and lost right now. i dont belong in roswell anymore. my friends at uga and other places dont need me anymore despite the fact that i probably need them more than ever. they are busy bustling about to other friends and boyfriends and girlfriends and apparently i just dont have as many friends as i thought i did. at the same time i dont belong in knoxville right now either. im kinda ready to go back, but i know if i leave early, ill just be returning to an empty room, a pile of alluded work and the realization that now i dont even have home to look foward to because home isnt all its cut out to be.
heather saw a shooting star the other night. i didnt see it so i suppose technically i dont get a legal wish on that one, but if i could wish for something it would just be to be ok and be happy again. im just an emotional basketcase rollercoaster these days. it takes almost nothing to set me off. in the end you find yourself looking for things to make it better and nothing ever works out like you hoped it would because nothing can fix you because in reality nothings wrong with you. i just hurt. and i cant fix it and i dont know why and i dont know when it will go away but i just want to be chill and easy going and instead i find myself fearing the worst and that something is seriously wrong with me and ill never be normal again.
and then youre just like calm down with the drama your life is fine. you are happy you just arent the same kind of happy. you make it fine day by day. you havent gained 3287429874 pounds. im generally healthy. i have a few people i can kinda talk to. i am making decent grades for myself. but i just cant get over the fact that i dont feel well right now. i am not comfortable in my current state. i know this because i find myself last night at 1230 turning my computer back on after turning it off for the night, hoping my friend will be online but knowing he wont because hes probably asleep, seeking comfort because im crying because im coming to the afformentioned realizations and it makes me incredibly sad and lonely.
i went to church this morning for the first time in a long time. the sermon was called something like "when youre tired of it all" haha wow, nice timing. i always have a tough time paying attention to even the best speakers, but i did catch one part that stuck in my mind:
"God's delay is not neccesarily God's denial. Never quit."
3 comments:
must not forget, forever is never too long to wait for something perfect. a little time and patience, you'll find your nitch, the place in which you really feel you belong. and within each day, you'll find your smile staying with you a little longer than you thought it would. your not in this alone. there are many who are there for you, even though sometimes, (which i can completly relate to..) you just don't see the care or feel the want. but it goes along with having faith, just bc you can't see it, doesn't mean its not there.i hope we both find what we are looking for.
hi. i randomly stumbled on your blog and have taken to checking back every so often because you remind me of me when i was just out of high school.
anyway, i know how you're feeling, about not really belonging anywhere. i felt that way and i was one of the ones who stayed home for university. i would go visit my friends at their schools and we just didn't feel like friends anymore. they had new people and new lives. most of my friends went away after high school. and the ones who stayed here either started working right away so we lost touch or went to a different university in the same city [we have 3].
the feeling alone and lost and unsure of everything and crying and not really being able to point out exactly whats wrong so it feels weird talking about it because, it's not really clear what "it" is. i was there.
i just wanted to tell you it's not just you. it will get better. for me, i quit university. it was terrifying and my parents had a fit because i wasn't going to get that oh so desired bachelor of science, but i was falling apart for no real reason and that was the only thing i could change. so i did. i worked, and got a diploma in graphic design and worked as a designer. and i was happy. and now, know where i am? 4 years after quitting, i'm back at that same university, in the same science program. and i couldn't be happier.
things will work out for you. good luck.
Hey angie,
It's been a while since I've read this blog, and just so you know, I know exactly what you mean about the not being able to count on home anymore. It's true, that I question whether the friends I relied on in GA were really friends in the first place. All it took was a couple of months and 700 miles to make me re-evaluate some of the surest relationships in my life. So fear not, somehow we're still on the same rollercoaster, we just must be in different cars at the moment. I love you, YBBuddy!
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