clear the area.

Love, love…you’re already home.
Party’s over and you don’t look so good.

You find your way back down.
And I’ll keep the area clear…please clear the area.
When you find your way back down…in one piece.
Then I’ll just be waiting here…right here.

this trip home is not at all what i imagined it to be. i thought i would be busy bustling from one friend's house to another. catching up on the college/high school life. portraying myself as some kind of wildly happy and successful student. instead i slept until 1030 and havent really done much since. i have a lot of things i need to get done, but nothing im particularly interested in doing. i wanted to go take pictures this afternoon, but i mostly just moped around the house not knowing what to do.

apparently home isnt the cure all for my disease. in fact all ive wanted to do since i got here is cry and for a very long time i couldnt. i couldnt pinpoint why i was so sad. still cant actually.

last night after dinner i met jordan at the studio. i dont know why. things were weird whenever i went to visit and i didnt want it to be like that anymore. i thought maybe we could talk things out. i think it was good i went. i feel so awkward here now. i feel so awkward there now. im just pretty awkward.
'
as much as i joke about it now, there is a reason jordan and i were together. maybe i was emotionally unstable at the time, but i cant and wont blame it all on that. he was a great first, yes first, boyfriend to have. he would have walked through fire for me. he was patient with me. he bought kelley dinner. i showed up on robyns doorstep on the verge of tears, the tears i needed to have so badly, and as robyn ran around yelling at penny and carrying an enormous bowl of stuffing down to the basement, ironically actions much like the things id seen her do oh so many times before, i looked down her hallway and thought about this place. the site of pool parties, countless late night visits and talks by me, post prom party, two of my new years were rung in at this place, concerts, digiorno pizzas, huge chocolate chip cookies, water balloon fights, online prom dress shopping, and always knowing that her room would be pink and full of the newest and greatest wonders from sephora and the rest of perimeter mall. the people of the university of tennessee know nothing of these things. they dont know who i am. they see me and my tackle box full of art supplies and think im crazy, but she knows. robyn knows about the time we spent at two am in her basement on one of the last nights of the last summer of our lives and how we looked like crackwhores. robyn knows what it takes to gun down big mac daddy bri in the senior lot and con him into going to prom with me. robyn knows i dont like blueberries or cherries on my cheesecake. robyn knows about the time katherine and i found a nasty lizard in her pool. robyn knows who my greatest weakness and my biggest vice is. she knows all these things and she still loves me. in fact id venture that sometimes she loves me more because of all these crazy things. and that is what the blonde small town whiskey loving bombshells of tennessee are missing.

they just dont get it.

i dont why i went last night and maybe i shouldnt have. but i think i should have. and whatever was said and done was said and done for a reason. im not hurting myself by it. im saying goodbye. wrapping things up in aluminum foil and putting them in the freezer.

its time to say goodbye to a lot of things. i went as far as i could possibly go and now i have two options: go completely off the deep end or turn around. id prefer the turn around method.

if i were to transfer to uga only two of my classes would actually transfer. and probably none of my classes next semester will.

you cant stay there and you cant come here. youre stuck my dear.

cheesecake tonight with the girls. i cant believe we're all going to be together again. i need this more than i need my left hand right now.