the luckiest

carry on my wayward son
there'll be peace when you are done
lay your weary head to rest
don't you cry no more.

hell yes i just quoted a late seventies classic rock song that may or may not even be a good song, i'm not sure haha. i enjoy listening to the music of my parents' time, i think its interesting to see what is and what is not able to transcend the generations, it makes me feel like i have something greater in common with them, it is an unspoken presence of sorts.

im writing tonight because i just kind of need a quiet place to sit and sort out my thoughts. things have been very busy andn stressful lately. im sure theyll continue to be busy, but hopefully the stressful part will subside a bit. this is one of the first years i can say i am genuinely 100% excited for school, real school. not community college commuting weirdness. real college again. im not scared or concerned about anything anymore. im just going. i dont really have time for all the bullshit of that stuff. the truth is im absolutely completely exhausted. in the past year ive experienced and overcome what i would classify as depression. ive made some big changes coming home, and then i worked myself to death.

its no one's fault, its what i wanted, but i am literally exhausted.

perhaps im being selfish or over dramatic or however you want to classify it, but i feel like i deserve this. this time to be with friends and make new ones and enjoy my days, and study what i love and just not have to care about anything too serious. maybe im wrong, but i just feel like its belongs to me at this point, like somehow ive earned that badge of honor.

i read an article about lucky people. apparently theyre not lucky at all. they just have a much better outlook than i do.

so im going to try. its going to be tough, but i hope to look at things in a more positive light. not freak out until something is actually currently presently happening that is worth freaking out over, and to take things one day at a time. read a book or two. go back to the basics. stop spending so much f*cking time on facebook. start swimming again. start this film stills project that has been banging around in my head for years and is finally manifesting itself into some coherent ideas. stop with these bodacious eating habits that sit somewhere between a slight case of anorexia and bulimia minus the vomiting and the laxatives. get some sleep. there are so many things i want to do, and there is no time like the present. now all i have to do is truly convince myself of these things, and even more so live them out.

night moves.

oh john mayer, i question your sense of judgment and character and i have no idea who you are, but youll always have a special place in my heart. i flipped through our sophomore yearbook at robyns tonight, and what a truly strange experience it was. funny how much has changed in the two years since i last saw many of the faces scattered across those pages. listening to john and looking through the book brought back so many memories. its funny whats forgotten and whats remembered about certain places and times, and its interesting to see what you can get back in fleeting moments like tonight. now i cant tell you what i remembered, for ive already forgotten it, but just for a second i was there wherever there is. i dont like being the dweller that i often am, but sometimes it is a necessary vantage point to see how far youve come.

we've come a long way baby.

for the past 2 years, ive been waiting. waiting to start a new life, waiting for visits home, waiting for something to change, waiting for someone to reach out, waiting for resolution, waiting to become my own person, then waiting for the depression to fall, then waiting to get the hell out of dodge, then waiting for a job, then waiting for release and now waiting to get the hell out of dodge again.

all this waiting is enough to make a girl go nuts. all this sitting still and thinking; well theres a lot going through my mind.

im starting to feel the warmth rising through my chest. the gulp i cant keep down, an uneasiness that you cant resist because after the disgust comes the relief of knowing youve let everything out.

this is the creative vomit i once spoke of here.

i have ideas, and i just might be ready to create again.

i'm sleepy! just wanted to share some photos before i delete them off my computer. tonight, i'm doing something scary...going on the other side of the lens! i used to love being in front of the camera, like i was some damn supermodel or something, now the prospect is scary and uncomfortable. i think its that whole high school mentality, thinking that you're super hot shit and that youre going to take over the world. two years later, i now realize i am neither hot shit nor taking over the world, but i can still be happy. in time i have learned some very important things. when i got out of high school, i had dreams of becoming this celebrity photographer who traveled all over the world, perhaps guest judged on ANTM and had pieces in the permanent collection at MoMA. im a hard worker, and when i see something i want, i become obsessed with making it work until i have it just as i hoped for it. the problem was, in all this hoping and trying and struggling, i lost the fun of it all. in my desperate plight to make something of myself it all became so much work and stress that wasnt even necessary. and if that is all the case, what exactly is the point? the thought of having to struggle my way through new york city carrying shit down the streets and becoming the receptical of someone elses frustrations and complaints in order to make barely enough money to live off of while financing $30,000 cameras and $10,000 lights...i dont know, perhaps its just not me.

i wonder sometimes if it was never really a battle to do anything or have any particular profession as it was to make myself do whatever i could to not have just a normal or average life.

that part hasnt faded. i still dont want a normal life. but now, its more about being happy than anything else. enjoying the ride and being satisfied. its not about giving up dreams or dealing with the "reality" of life, its adapting to yourself and your surroundings. its knowing what your capable of and who you are. ill deal with the rest later, i just want to have fun now.

ps: i so want to be this girl
weddings and fashion in NYC? hello dream job!

under the osaka sun.

this part of summer always seems to be the scary part. the daunting part no one is really sure what to do with. the awkward part where its not fresh and new, but its not quite over. i've always dreaded this part of summer. the long days and night of heat and humidity and not much else, but this year is different, this year im so excited to be to this part.

only two weeks left at the the envy, and then i'm free at last. free from sitting behind a desk all day and dealing with angry customers. ive got a few trips planned, and my friends from ut are coming to visit. and for the first time in a long time, going back to school doesnt scare me.

perhaps im finally ready this time.

this whole process has been a great lesson. a lesson in dealing with other people. a lesson in when to be selfish and when to give yourself up. a lesson in what you need and what you dont need. a lesson in who you need and who you dont need. i feel like in my college experience of living with others outside of my family, i have seen how different people live their lives, and its a realization that not everyone approaches things in exactly the same way. it just goes to show me, that these lessons i have learned, i learned them via the best process for me. perhaps not the most efficient process, or the most conventional, or the prettiest, but this was my personal way of handling what i knew i ultimately had to do. and in my mind, theres nothing wrong with taking the best road for you.

so when i do get to school, it will be different, i will approach things differently with a different attitude. but knowing who and what i need in my life, i will do this on my own terms now. it's my turn.

i have worked tirelessly and hard for what i have, now is no time to give up, but this time around im enjoying myself. life is far too short.