2/26/2006 10:11pm

You can say what you want, and i'll be the first to admit ive said some things in the past, but granville is the man.

Our swim team banquet was tonight, thus bringing an official final close to my career as a swimmer. Its sad b/c this is kinda the beginning of the end of high school for me, my first high school thing that has ended and won't ever come back.

I love rhs swimming though. I mean the morning practices suck, esp toward the end of the season when its 19 degrees outside and all you want to do is finish the season and sleep in, but the rest of it is great. The team is made up of some of the most mix-matched weirdest people in the school, who would never ordinarily hang out together, but are somehow bound to each other by the stench of chlorine and the innate urge to be a fish, though physically impossible. My theory is the swim team at roswell is made up of those who really truly can swim (ie: amanda) and the rest is a bunch of people who dont fit in anywhere else and figure they can at least survive in the water, even though they may suck at swimming. All i know is this: only at roswell high school can you be pretty much the worst swimmer on the team and be captain. i've come very far though, and im proud of myself...not many people can say they made it through four years of long cold morning practices, the wrath of granville, dangerous bus rides, and sketchy chemical levels and foreign materials in the pool water. plus i have swimming to thank for my bodacious upper back muscles of which i am very proud. i'm not an athlete. i never thought id do a sport. i never thought id be doing a twenty-lap race competitively on a regular basis and not completely sucking at it. sometimes just trying is enough.

i know when i look back on the team im just gonna have to laugh. i was never a good swimmer, so i prob wont remember any of the actual competitive aspects of the sport, but all the rest, i will remember, and i will have no choice but to laugh.

"and when i see you

i really see you upside down

but my brain knows better

it picks you up and turns you around

turns you around

turns you around."

2/21/06 10:26 pm

When i came home today there was a stack of mail from each of the colleges to which i have been accepted. mostly propoganda trying to convince me why their institution is "on the wave of the future" with the "finest facilities" and etcetera etcetera etcetera, then they give me a school sticker so i can make sure to spread the love all over my car bumper, locker, notebook or mirror.

Should i be freaking out that i have no idea where i'm going in 6 months? this may be the first time in my life i have not completely planned out everything neatly in a row. i think i may be slowly but surely getting semi-over that whole orderly, crazy tidy living kinda thing, seeing as how right now i am the most disorganized mess of a person ever...

One thing that occured to me over the weekend when talking to a friend of mine, who i believe has pretty much dabbled in almost every kind of profession: i have the right to change my mind. i think i forget that a lot. she suggested i go to school, get out, do what i want, reevaluate, do what i want next, then what i want next, then what i want next. she says you gotta change it up every now and then: keeps things interesting.

i say she's got a good idea going.

2/20/06 10:58 pm
Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a peace of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe believe in me believe
That life can change that youre not stuck in vain
Were not the same were different tonight
Tonight so bright tonight

Last year i had ms foss for phsyics. that was one large woman. everyday she had what she called an "essential question" that she put on the board, and hopefully by the end of the class we would be able to answer it with all the stock-piled chunks of information she threw at us during the period.

My essential question is this: What do i deserve? this weekend was a long weekend and i didnt go on the ski trip so of course i had too much time to think. but it is something i struggle with. i mean, do i deserve better than what i have? i kinda dont think so, but a lot of other people do. am i putting time and energy into things and relationships that are just going to be a waste of time? where do i go from here?

i guess my main concern is that i'd like to know what its like to truly not be alone for once. i want to walk beside someone and have it be true, genuine, and real, not some f-ed up mind game or some surface-scraping rendevous. prob is, i dont know if that kind of thing is out there for me to find, and if it is, whether or not i am deserving of it...im far from a saint.

i also decided that senioritis has symptoms that reach beyond just procrastination, school-skipping, and lack of caring. it also includes random epiphanies of the fact that we are about to embark on something insanely new and leave all the rest in the dust. it also includes angie in july running around like shes scared as hell and probably not acting like herself as a result. i mean its getting pretty bad. you can say o my gosh in a few months this will be over as much as you want, but its the random times, like the other night when i was listening to "tonight tonight" (see lyrics above) and just started really thinking about it, i mean really thinking...it just freaks me out.

new days resolutions:

+focus

+ do my own thing

+be myself

+lay off the dang chocolate chip cookies

2/14/2006 3:37pm

Oh another Valentine's Day. every year i say, "Angie, next year will be different and you wont be alone on VDay." then the next year is the same as the last, and the same as the year before that and the year before that. there was always that reassurance that surely, most surely, i would not be alone senior year. yeah about that.....

But no worries, because my chocolate fortune says tonight will be a lucky night, im pumped. unfortunately i think the greatest luck i will receieve is the possibility of a decent night's sleep despite the aircraft carrier of a heater that makes an insane amount of noise in the room where i am staying right now. do i sound a little bitter? i dont mean to be, but its just so gosh darn easy to do.

Some people argue that VDay is a commercial holiday made up to amplify greeting card companies' profits. i would agree, but there are other noncommercial ways to show your love on this special holiday, too bad those ways dont get you very far in the a$$ department. haha. besides, if i were to say that Vday is a commercial holiday it would just make me sound like a bitter angry woman who is just jealous that she has no one to buy her all these lovely things...oh wait, i think this entire blog has already made me appear that way anyway...well on that note: "Valentines Day is a commercial holiday" there i said it, and you think im bitter...no news here...haha.

The truth is the whole thing is kind of nice. its cute to see all the little couples in the hall doing nice things for each other and such, theres nothing wrong with a few flowers and a card, and as anyone can tell you, i firmly believe that chocolate can solve all major global issues, so that certainly cant hurt either.

As for me, im just ready for my long weekend. i want to live at home again, i want to be done with yearbook junkola, and i want to go to the gymmmmm. i think this weekend i will workout, rent fight club, take a ton of pictures, and bask in the solitude of the belguim chocolates my dad just brought back.

2/12/2006 11:48 am
I'm pretty much freaking out right now. I've been sitting at my computer for over 2 hours now with only one paragraph and not a lot of direction as far as my character analysis paper for college english goes. im freaking out. i have the worst writers block ever, i can barely formulate full sentences, much less scholarly ones.

I wise person once told me writers block is the product of something else being in the way in your brain so the important thoughts cant get out. so maybe i should clear the way for the literary analysis to get through. and that, i think i will do, so here goes:

to my friends:

1. i know whats going on

2. i can handle it i promise

3. stop treating me like im a retarded 4 year old

i'm so sick of this act everyone is trying to pull off. i feel like i've never been treated with the respect i deserve from my friends and apparently never will be. its so stupid how everyone tiptoes around me and keeps secrets from me about things that aren't important...do you realize how stupid and small that makes me feel? dont get mad if i dont let you into my life, because you never made the effort to be a part of it before, and you dont even have the courtesy to let me into yours so why should i return the favor? i dont think anyone else understands what it is like to have everyone treating you like you are the weirdest person in the world. yall have made me so unsure of myself in ways i thought i never would be. now i dont know whats normal and what isnt and if i am normal or not because even if you're pretty sure of who you are, when everyone else is treating you otherwise it makes you question things. is this the way friendship is supposed to be? people treating each other like insignificant pieces of trash? i wish someone could just tell me everythings ok and everything will be different from now on, but thats not how it is. i will never be respected, so i should just get used to it i guess.

sorry for the alanis-style rant, maybe that will cure my block.

2/10/06 11:14 pm

This week went by pretty fast. State meet was yesterday. we were certainly even hotter in the water if i do say so myself, however despite the fact that i missed an entire day of school to go to the meet, the closest i got to water was the bottle of Dasani i downed at lunch.

Check me out, i got my hair cut. w00t. i told her to do whatever she wanted, in hopes that she might just wack it all off, yet still make it look cool, but no dice...it pretty much looks the same, but that's ok, i always feel like a little bit of a new person after a haircut.

So pretty much im having one of those "hello my name is insecurity kinda days", i pretty much feel disgusted with myself, mirrors are not really my friend.

We had Ash's bday party tonight. Japanese takeout was a good choice. Yummm too much food.

Sooo i decided, after much lecturing from a friend yesterday, that maybe its time to turn over a kind of new leaf so to speak, or at least approach my life as it is now with a new outlook. i am currently lacking one really big thing: focus. I have been so off in my own little world not really getting anything done and not really holding on to the relationships that are truly important to me. focus angie, focus. time to get out there and do what you're supposed to do and be who you're supposed to be. focus angie, focus. get your friends off your back, angie. if only you could be a little more normal and get someone in your life and be the best friend you could be and completely abandon who you are you'll be just fine, angie.
psh im frustrated

"and your heart will belong
to someone youve yet to meet
someday you will be loved"

2/1/2006 10:38 pm

I realized today for the first time ever something about myself. its weird when you suddenly see things about yourself that you never thought of before. the thing i realized is this: I LOVE to daydream. i find myself doing it way too much, especially with the recent onset of senioritis i've had, it helps pass the time. hey, my christmas card said "for a dreamer night is the only time of day" i guess that quote was right. gotta go think some more.

"my oh my you know it just dont stop
its in my mind i wanna tear it up
try to fight it
try to turn it off
but its not enough
takes a lot of love
takes a lot of love my friend
to keep your heart from freezin
to push until the end"