the long goodbye.

i am wrapping things up here in atlanta, two weeks earlier than i should be, mind you. and heading back to school. i feel like i was just arriving here. in some ways the beginning of the summer seems so long ago, but in others it seems like it just began. i thought given that i have a new apartment and finally some stability in my major and the chance to continue building new friendships i might be more excited about going off again, but i am dragging my feet like nobody's business.

when i arrived here in may, i was physically and emotionally exhausted. the stress of the portfolio review, finals, social and extracurricular obligations and a completely slammed spring wedding season left me tired in every sense of the word. i was actually beginning to feel the physical effects of what i was doing to myself in the form of back pain and numbness of the limbs, my entire body was tense and ready for battle at any time, something i had become well versed in over the past semester.

coming home was an oasis for me. the first time in many years that i had no formal job or internship. i almost immediately felt better. i worked from home and more or less loved it, particularly once business started picking up later in the summer. i saw death cab in concert finally and they were awesome. i got into the graphic design program. i visited knoxville and watched a great friend and roomate get married. i went to europe for the first time and now cant wait to go back again. i went to seattle, my first real trip with jordan and we had an amazing time connecting together and spending time just the two of us. i finally got my business organized, streamlined workflow and pricing and launched some new products and packages. i painted a little bit and started to get to the bottom of whats really been going on with me since high school. i read a book for the first time in ages. i sat around and refused to let myself feel guilty about it for once.

and now full circle i find myself sitting on the edge of another school year. and i fear so much that all of the good that i did for myself this summer will be instantly washed away once i leave here. you see here, i am not some girl in your class, or your friend that you talk to only when its convenient or when you need something or the girl whose name you know but is not a significant individual to you, i am not the odd girl you dont understand and im not the room mate whose point of view youll never see. here im just me. something i havent been able to be since august 2006.

because ever since then its not been good enough to just be me, theres this whole thing where you have to try and you have give people a list of reasons to absolutely adore you and you have to stand out from the crowd. i dont do well in front of crowds.

ive read books, ive observed the actions of others who are more succesful than i, ive behaved out of the norm, and i still find myself stuck in the same place. since when do we have to work to be loved? cant it just happen? ive felt this way for three years and im beginning to wonder if it will ever go away.

here i am on the cusp of another year, and i am praying futilely for more time. more time to sit here and be happy and ok with being myself. just a little more time.

restless sunday

[a few of my favorite shots from our trip, on the ferry to victoria, canada]

wow its really really been awhile. im sorry blog for abandoning you, i have been far too busy living my life to write about it. seattle was awesome. it was such a great time for jordan and i just to disconnect ourselves from everyone and everything else and just enjoy each other in a wonderful environment. to explore and to get away. it was also a great test of relationship to deal with the planning and executing of such a trip, i highly recommend it to all couples. that coupled with my earlier europe trip has left me with a strong case of wanderlust that now reflecting back on my summer is ever-worsening.

this summer has been such a strange combination. on one hand it was completely different in that i didnt hold a job or internship as i have for the previous four years or so and instead chose to travel and work on my own business. with those differences came the familiarity of summers past where i got to choose what i did all summer and actually had some free time on my hands. coming off of a semester like the one before i needed the break desperately. ive known for a while that this is my last week here, but now with the prospect of this just over the horizon, im realizing the reason why ive been so reluctant to start packing: i dont want to go back. ive enjoyed this time working on my business and more importantly working on myself. this is the first time in years that ive really had the physical time to explore exactly what i want to get out of the next few years and what im ulitmately looking for past then. it gave me time to return to the location of so many long lost memories and decide which ones were important enough to keep and which ones needed be thrown by the wayside. i discovered that i need to be using my time better, and in that way perhaps i can revisit more of the person who i used to be, the person ive so desperately longed for since college began. the girl that sits on the floor all sunday afternon and creates, just because she wants to and she can. the girl that tries new things and doesnt judge herself or others before trying those things. the girl that is a real artist. the girl that doesnt make excuses.

i scroll through facebook and see all the people doing awesome and productive things like landing great internships, traveling to amazing locales or even just getting some courses out of the way over the summer, and i think maybe i could/should have done those things.

but i know that i needed this time.

i need more time.