the long goodbye.

i am wrapping things up here in atlanta, two weeks earlier than i should be, mind you. and heading back to school. i feel like i was just arriving here. in some ways the beginning of the summer seems so long ago, but in others it seems like it just began. i thought given that i have a new apartment and finally some stability in my major and the chance to continue building new friendships i might be more excited about going off again, but i am dragging my feet like nobody's business.

when i arrived here in may, i was physically and emotionally exhausted. the stress of the portfolio review, finals, social and extracurricular obligations and a completely slammed spring wedding season left me tired in every sense of the word. i was actually beginning to feel the physical effects of what i was doing to myself in the form of back pain and numbness of the limbs, my entire body was tense and ready for battle at any time, something i had become well versed in over the past semester.

coming home was an oasis for me. the first time in many years that i had no formal job or internship. i almost immediately felt better. i worked from home and more or less loved it, particularly once business started picking up later in the summer. i saw death cab in concert finally and they were awesome. i got into the graphic design program. i visited knoxville and watched a great friend and roomate get married. i went to europe for the first time and now cant wait to go back again. i went to seattle, my first real trip with jordan and we had an amazing time connecting together and spending time just the two of us. i finally got my business organized, streamlined workflow and pricing and launched some new products and packages. i painted a little bit and started to get to the bottom of whats really been going on with me since high school. i read a book for the first time in ages. i sat around and refused to let myself feel guilty about it for once.

and now full circle i find myself sitting on the edge of another school year. and i fear so much that all of the good that i did for myself this summer will be instantly washed away once i leave here. you see here, i am not some girl in your class, or your friend that you talk to only when its convenient or when you need something or the girl whose name you know but is not a significant individual to you, i am not the odd girl you dont understand and im not the room mate whose point of view youll never see. here im just me. something i havent been able to be since august 2006.

because ever since then its not been good enough to just be me, theres this whole thing where you have to try and you have give people a list of reasons to absolutely adore you and you have to stand out from the crowd. i dont do well in front of crowds.

ive read books, ive observed the actions of others who are more succesful than i, ive behaved out of the norm, and i still find myself stuck in the same place. since when do we have to work to be loved? cant it just happen? ive felt this way for three years and im beginning to wonder if it will ever go away.

here i am on the cusp of another year, and i am praying futilely for more time. more time to sit here and be happy and ok with being myself. just a little more time.