man the days are flying and theres not enough time and in a week its gonna be my party and after that its all over and im supposed to move on with my life and such and it just doesnt work like that for me i dont think. im left wondering if with each word i am leaving these people the way i want to and are things working out the way they should and when will i ever see these people again and then theres always the inevitable truth that things will never be the same.

i guess it wouldnt hurt as much if i knew all my other friends were in the same boat as me, but the truth is even though they are going off to start a new life in a new place and its going to be really hard too, at least they initially have each other for support.

meanwhile, mr fabulous wants to start something (i think "cough cough, man thong") but the truth is even if i was interested, which i just dont think i am (maybe im wrong and if so feel free to correct me, but i dont think i should be feeling numb about all this right now and thats how i feel, i always thought there was supposed to be some kind of spark there, but now i am jaded and unsure of the likelihood of any kind of romantic notions in real life) i just dont have time right now. i feel like, even though this may be offensive to him, i just dont have the time right now to devote to something thats just getting started, when i feel like i owe it to the people ive known for 6 years to spend time and tie up lose ends with them. i just seems logical to me. i dont want to hurt anyone but i just dont think it would work anyway. i decided im not very good girlfriend material. i'll work on it.

so i sent kelley off today. she'll be back in a week and then its good as done for the bitchin babes.

if a friend is one soul dwelling in two bodies, then i cant get my mind off the fact that im about to get my soul taken away from me. this girl is not my best friend, she's not my confidant, shes not my partner in crime, shes not my prealgebra study buddy, shes not my swim coach, this girl is me. she is a part of me. i am not me when she is gone. she is me. she is me.

i am the person i am today because of what she has done for me and who she is to me. i owe her everything, but in the end it doesnt matter because thats what friends are for. i just hate the thought of us going off on our separate ways and finding replacements for each other, i know i know, there will never be replacements, but its just hard knowing that i cant just shoot across hwy 120 and sneak in her room while shes asleep at 1 in the afternoon and no one except the 1000000 cats notices that im even there.

in my talks with my friends i keep hearing that apparently i was the glue that always kept the group together throughout all our trials and tribulations. if this is true

what happens when the glue that holds everything together comes apart?

im a freaking mess right now. i feel like a fat ass cow yet i outright refuse to do anything about it. my room looks like a pack of squirells went insane inside. i cry everytime i get in the car b/c i like an idiot keep listening to that cd i have with all the saddest songs on it and it makes me get all scary girly emotional and stuff. i want to savor it all but endings are just so bittersweet.

my compliments to Jordan Fabulous for these pictures taken on wednesday. haha and the funny thing that i just realized is that that isnt my camera im holding there. the light was beautiful out there, but then again i think it always is...i'll have to go out there more often.

life isnt stopping for me anytime soon. i have so much to do right now, im so glad that at least one major distraction has been extinguished from my life, otherwise i would be even more screwed than i already am. today was kelley's last day working at the pool ever. i missed visiting her b/c i was at the studio burning cds all afternoon and ive become such a lazy bum that i couldnt rouse myself before 10 am. i dont know whats wrong with me anymore.

geez i have so many memories at that pool. i mean i really dont have distinguishable memories of certain things that occured, events and such, i can feel all those times she and i were there together whenever i go there. its so weird b/c now it feels like its gone. birthday parties, going there during finals week, early morning "swim" practices in the summer, learning how to dive via a hula hoop, synchronized swimming routines, getting pushed in at like 11:30 on my birthday. thats just in one place that just so happens to only be open about 4 months out of the year, i cant believe how many memories i have with these people...it makes me feel stupid for ever doubting them or ever screwing them over or ever not caring.

these people are my soulmates and my guardian angels.

and it sucks that it takes this huge thing where youre all leaving for good and going your separate ways for me to realize it.

you dont know what you got till its gone.

Why do I hurt to fly
Over every town laying down the line, no
Die in the clouds above
You and I've a friend that I do not love

I wake up, it's a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired to be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind
Wouldn't mind it
If you were by my side
But you're long gone
Yeah you're long gone now

"a bad dream" keane

let go

well we tried to go to tu tu tango tonight...take a little trip down memory lane and such. but the truth is the service is bad, the wait is long, and robyn got her finger stuck in the door of the big moving toaster aka jonathans element.

you can smell it on everyone. we all know that the end of this life is near and therefore we're all a lot more ok with each other than we may have otherwise been. we're a little more tolerant, a little more polite, a little more back to the way we used to be when everything was good and we were all single and i wasnt the studio slut and everyone's home life was perfect, and we were ugly but at least we were skinny, and our biggest problem was whether or not we had enough time to watch the latest episode of lizzie mcguire before we had to run over to katherines house for game night or what not, and our virgin skins weren't scarred by the emotional wounds we inevitably have given each other throughout the years.

i wish we could have revisited this time much sooner than now, maybe we'd all be better off. or maybe we'd still be the same. i kinda think the latter.

i cant really remember the day, or even really the reason why, but a few months ago i took off my watch and the ring that i for the past 6 years have worn on my right thumb.

i think it was sometime around graduation. maybe i went swimming or something. it may have even been graduation night when we were digging up the box, i have a feeling thats when it was.

regardless, i took them both off and have had them both off since then.

i guess i could get all metaphorical and deep and say that me not wearing my watch represents a sense of abandonment of time and worry about time.

and in a sense i guess you could say that's true. i dont pay nearly as much attention to the time as i used to, and i think its a good thing. you can enjoy yourself more when you dont see seconds of your life ticking away.

this is your life and its ending one moment at a time.

as for the ring. i guess the ring is a visual reminder of a lot of things. what i believe, where i come from, what ive been taught to believe.

and i think as i grow up i find myself questioning more and more of the things that i have believed all my life because its hard to draw the line between what you believe yourself and what youre supposed to believe.

i began to think the ring was an imposition placed upon me without proper consent. i control my destiny and this wasnt fair, i could believe what i wanted and act how i wanted.

im still waging that war within myself, but until then i think it best to do what i can to stay on the straight and narrow, even if it means playing by someone else's rules for at least awhile.

its high time i put that ring back on.

wow i think i love my life.

with all its twists and turns, its really not that interesting, but maybe in comparison to how it used to be, or just in angies world, its very exciting. im trying to figure out some stuff right now..i dont know what i should do. i mean i dont think im really at a place right now where i should be taking on new relationships. i dont want to do something just as a rebound, and im not sure if this is even really something i want. but then again am i just being overcautious because of things that happened in the past that dont have anything to do with the parties involved today? i mean i have a few weeks left here, nothing will happen, so i guess i can rest assured in that fact, or is that a bad thing? i mean i dont want to do something that means nothing, i want every relationship i have to mean something, but does that neccesarily mean it has to be long term and serious? im not so sure of that anymore. heck im not sure of a lot of things anymore. in all aspects of my life i find myself constantly questioning things and not knowing whether to validate my questions as or dismiss them as overzealous navite? my gut is usually right and my gut used to say just stay away, but maybe it changed its mind.

i think the best thing to do at this point is say, listen to your gut, and listen to the chocolate wrapper from a few days ago, that usually works for me.

just go with it.

would Jesus approve of whips and cracked out marys?

yay for titles, i always forget to put them. maybe it will help you as the reader decide which of these entries you actually want to read.

so lets see, to sum up the past few days, i would say this:

kelley and adam get stranded at a sketch gas station complete with apocalyptic prophets and angie saves the day, yet they still go at it in the back of her car.

beto's a pimp in the hot tub with like ten ladies. then we have a thirty minute convo about makeup at about 3 am and he doesnt seem to mind. (or maybe he does maybe he doesnt)

i get a bad case of "crotchulism" at the little five points rock orchestra's performance of Jesus Christ Superstar.

robyn wants plastic pleasure asap.

i modeled a robe for a catalog and the lady gave me free soap and its reaaallly nice.

haha so yeah anyways about Jesus Christ Superstar, that was some funny stuff. Robyn and i go to this play b/c we want to be cultured people and all. we show up and are pretty much the only people at the roswell cultural art center not wearing motorcycle boots and dog collars. much to our luck we get second row seats so we can really be in on the action. ive never seen the play or movie before , but ive heard good things, so im excited. first thing that happens is three girls, too of which are what i would consider to be overweight for their choice of costume, march out in corsets and boyshorts and fishnets and stripper boots.

im not kidding, i couldnt make this crap up.

much more insanity insued. and no im not exaggerating.

mary magdalene seemed to be high, she kept touching her face like she wasnt sure if it was really there or not and smiling at nothing. and after a last supper of cheap beer and bread, ponchous pilot came out in leather short shorts and a mesh shirt with black lipstick.

i saw waaaaaaaaaaay waaaaaaaaaaay too much of pilot's pilot.

if you know what im sayin.

when Jesus ripped his shirt off and exposed his beer belly and the "guards" (aka: the chicks in the corsets and stripper boots) started whipping him (during which Robyn says she saw some nipple, which i wouldnt doubt, i was too busy whincing at the overall site of it all) and the whole thing just looked like some kind of crazy s and m crap, i knew it was a little much.

i really hope that all the families there with their church-bred homeschooled children were able to take away the true moral lesson that the story of the crucifiction is supposed to depict. like dont let your kids grow up to be in the little five points rock orchestra group, for example.

i love when life is random and you go do this weird thing like go see Jesus and Mary Magdalene get down at the roswell cultural art center.

im listening to the trapeze swinger by iron and wine right now. if you dont know it look it up, its the most amazing song ever. its 9:30 minutes long, and its melody is very repititve, but there's something about it that even the first time you hear it it makes you want to cry. its a beautiful song. but anyways, im listening to it right now, and its bringing everything back. i can almost feel myself driving home on december 19th, it was sunny but cold outside, there was all kinds of icy frost on my car when i headed out that morning and i had to scrape it off with my borders discount card. the night before was the shindig and that night was sarah's christmas party.

its amazing what one song can do. i feel like im there. sometimes i wish i was. i'd do it all over again.

just to do it all over again.

wtf.

it should say something that in the immediate 48 hours after everything collapsed my life has been more interesting and more has happened than in a very long time. hmmm. and i got free ice cream.

i love summer its all about being random, delivering brownies, getting licked, talking to licks, hanging out with kelley at the pool, singing queen all the way down ashford-dunwoody, having your bday cake ice cream and eating it too (with a brownie), and going where all the young proffesionals go to hang out (muhaha, woodruff).

so as you can see if you are ever interested in being photographed, it pays to work for a photography studio, they can hook you up. too bad it means you have to take the shots when you look like crap and dont have nearly enough makeup on and are not properly dressed for the occasion. but thats ok thats what photoshop is for.

im excited b/c i usually hate weekends in the summer, but this time i actually have plans, and i actually have to start getting ready for school and stuff. this is a nervewracking prospect, plus i have sooo much work to do on photoshop, slideshow, college stuff, party stuff, and myspace.

its the most exciting time of your life and it is vastly approaching.

i went out with two of my closest friends tonight, ash and kel. we had tapas at eclipse de la luna and it was sooo yummy. its so weird to think that the lalas are coming to a close, actually theyre all going to the sam place except for me, i have to be different of course. we had coldstone to celebrate my victories, and it just goes to show me how much no one ever wanted to say to me. now theyre buying me ice cream and telling me all these things i never knew they knew or thought about. but its all good.

in the meantime, they convinced me that i shouldnt be anyones bitch. i used to have a hard heart. then i was convinced by someone dear that that was no way to live. then my heart got smushed by a car. so i should probably close back up a little bit. but not too much, it seems like a lot of people like the new me.

so sorry, but this is how i feel and this is what i think and im putting this back up here because i can lie to someone else all day long, you can deal with the fallout on that one, but im not going to lie to myself on your account.

so here's the blog i wrote yesterday, posted last night, deleted this morning, and am now realizing should not be censored and am therefore resposting it:

NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ENTRY WILL BE VERY LONG, BUT IT WILL BE INTERESTING NONE THE LESS, IF YOU KNOW ME PERSONALLY AND ARE READING THIS, YOU BEST NOT ASK ME TO EXPLAIN MYSELF, I DON’T OWE IT TO YOU AND IM PRETTY SURE I DON’T WANT TO SO DON’T ASK.

“As we grow up we learn that even the one person who wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once; and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend and you might even fall in love with him. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing so fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you care about. So take too many pictures, laugh too hard, and love like you've never been hurt; because every minute you spend mad or upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.”

It is 1:08 pm on a sunny Wednesday aftenoon july 19th of the last summer of your life. July 4th was 15 days ago, but the truth is today is the final and definitive independence day.

Everything is collapsing.

It is finished.

This whirlwind of a whatever this whole thing was for the past eight months is finally coming to a close. Im not sure what I have to show for it though. I mean I could think positively and say that I have been loved and have loved in return, but at this point I question even that. Sometimes people can get so caught up in their own lies that they live inside this fantasy world. No one else knows about it. its this big secret, then it almost seems true, it becomes so real. But the reality is its just falsities and wishes.

I cant be mad though. I don’t want this to have a bad ending because it was such a beautiful ride that it doesn’t deserve to close out that way, and I don’t want it to. What kind of person would I be if I couldn’t forgive. Its possible to forgive while still standing up for yourself and that is what I did today. Im sorry if it hurt, but I thought you should know.

The past eight months have meant so much to me, but I have to take everything that was said and done with a grain of salt because the truth is unconventional works, secrets don’t. things are only as significant as both parties perceive them to be, and im not sure how significant the other party here finds them to be.

-Just one last touch and then well go and well pretend that it meant so much more, but it was vile and it was cheep and you are beautiful but you don’t mean a thing to me.-

Guess who’s playing the fool again? I must do a good job at it, cause they always call me back to play that part.

I feel stupid for thinking things had changed or that I was special enough to make things different. But you know I think its high time I stopped allowing everything to be blamed on me. It takes two to tango, but I could very well be considered an innocent bystander who got blinded by the happiness of it all and ended up somewhere she shouldn’t have been and didn’t want to leave.

This wasn’t my fault. I am generally a good person I swear. I lost myself for a little while.

The hardest part was admitting to myself that if the need arose, I was going to have to lie and say that nothing happened, nothing that meant anything at least. To say that would mean admitting to myself and the world at large that the emotions and energy that I poured out into this relationship were really for no reason and it was all just some cute little made up story. I damn joke email sent in order to make fun of the fugly redhead. Just try imagining it this way but on a smaller scale. Someone walks up to you one day and tells you your parents never really loved you it was all a charade. Then they tell you you have to go out to the world and let everyone know that your parents were just joking with you when they said they loved you, or when they took care of you all those years they really didn’t mean it they were just hastily doing a favor. How much would it hurt you to say that? Maybe you have a little better idea of how I feel then.

But God has impeccable timing. I wanted to push myself off a ledge to which I could never ever return, and just in time I find myself in a situation, in which the circumstances are such that I know He is saying, “angie, just turn and go.”

So go I shall. This comes just in time for me to enjoy my time here with friends and family. And grant it, he is still, and always will be one of my best friends. We always were that. Just somewhere along the line things came out that I now realize shouldn’t have been said and probably carried no actual emotional weight when they were said to begin with. The last time this happened I cried all day. I cried myself to sleep, and when I returned to school all I wanted to do was cry.

This time crying never even crossed my mind.

It almost makes me sad that im not sadder about this. I feel like I should be. But then I really think about it and I know I shouldn’t because ive spent the last eight months on an emotional roller coaster of a life in which everyday I found myself questioning how he felt about me and wondering what my future was like. Would I ever get my turn? Its almost sickening when you really think about it. but I really did care and I do care and that’s what sucks about me sometimes. I am an extremely passionate person. I put all that I have into all that I do. So when everything collapses my entire world is just completely shattered. Slaughtered. Broken. But I did all my crying and my worrying and my bitterness and my jealousy and my depression and my anger over the past eight months on a daily basis. The pain for me was slow, gradual, pinching pain. So now in the fallout I don’t think I have any energy left in me for an emotional breakdown. It was the mistake I knew I was making and like I said before, in life you already know all you need to know, the challenge lies in convincing yourself that you must do what you know you need to do in order to get the best outcome. I knew the dymanics of this relationship all along, I just ignored myself. Close your eyes and they wont see you. Close your eyes and this will all be for real. It doesn’t work like that.

So sir, im sorry for putting you in a situation you shouldn’t have been through. And im even more sorry for the problems that now lie ahead of you as a result. But the choices were yours, and you know that. I hate that it ended this way, but maybe you can find the whole “beauty in chaos” thing you always talked to me about. It truly does kill me to see it go like this, and I take responsibility for my actions, but I never acted alone. Youre my emotional baggage, that should count for something right? Well I have lost enough sleep over this and I mean that. If I could only convey the amount of time ive spent planning, thinking, worrying about all this then maybe you could understand why im just so worn out by it all that I cant freak out anymore. Its your turn to lose sleep.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for a person is admit to yourself and to them that you cant give them what they deserve and its not fair for them to stick around. Its not fair to you, its not fair to me, and its certainly not fair to her.

Say goodnight and go, for real this time.


The end of an era for me. My best friend I’d want to lose my virginity to coupled with me, the love of his life hell never really love.

You never forget your first love…and I wont.

Ironically the shit hit the fan exactly to the letter 1 month before I leave for school. I have 1 month to make things right with everyone and make a beautiful grand finale for this show. I cant wait.


So before I close out this entry, here’s a quote. Its something he said to me two months ago and it was probably the most flattering thing anyone has ever said to me. Read into it and youll get it.


“you didnt need to aspire to be any Greater then you already are angie because yOu impressed me tO begin with…i seriously Doubt that angie, you're full of ideas and creativity and talent that is so unique in nature and unyielding in growth that it couldnt have stemmed from a simple want to impress any one person But YoursElf, your talent and creativity iS genUine and it is For you and for you alone, the real gift iS that you were able to reach others in the process”

I love you.

i cant believe im censoring my own f-ing blog.

these are my thoughts and how i feel and now im deleting them, as if i havent lost enough feeling already. yesterday i had to admit that something i thought meant a lot actually meant nothing, the stupid girl that i was thought differently.

i knew though. deep down i knew. its that whole thing, i think we know almost from birth everything we need to know, but we have this urge to lie to ourselves and make ourselves believe that once, just this once, things will be different. but it never is. fate always wins out in the end.

the mistake i knew i was making.

and actually i wasnt really sad until now. actually im not sad. im just pissed. pissed for giving the world and expecting nothing in return. pissed that im censoring my own feelings to cover someone's ass.

im sorry, you can get pissed at me for this entry. i dont care. i suppressed how i really felt for long enough because i didnt want to upset you. youre asking a lot of me. someone with less patience, forgiveness and general love would not be as submissive to helping you out. you owe me the world. i gave you mine.

this is what happens when you piss off a redhead.

i doubt the validity of everything now. its so easy to live in a lie so deeply that you convince yourself its the truth even when it isnt. so maybe no, i havent ever experienced someone loving me. no ive never had a real relationship. none of this was real.

let the critics roll she did it again. played the fool. congratulations your my new emotional baggage.

motionless wheel,
nothing is real,
wasting my time in the waiting line,
do you believe in what you see.

i knew it all along

some relationships just work. these two could be married already as far as you can tell. they just seem to get each other really well. they are cute. they arent knock-everyone-down-pda-in-the-streets, but they also arent cold with each other. its such a good thing to see, and it makes me believe in it all.

here's to recognizing that your life is your own, and taking charge of it.

i think that after spending 12 years in school and 18 guided by my parents on this straight and narrow path, i forgot that my life and my destiny is my own. ive got the keys now and i get to drive and i get to relish in the successes as truly my own and i get to shovel the shit when i screw it all up. i dont know where i want to go for sure right now, but maybe its time i did what i wanted to do. i can make rationale out of doing almost anything, im sure there could be a logical explanation for this.

i am sooo scared. but its ok. its a good scared i guess. u dont ever get this back. and you certainly dont ever get this time back.

take it for what its worth. everything in moderation. exercise caution, but live your life.

from the wise words of belton, we find angie truth #3:
belton says that the best shots in photography are the ones that when they were taken the photographer wasnt sure if they would actually work out or not. the risky shots win the prize because they might not have worked but they did, and the photographer was willing to risk it for the big reward.

this is true in life too.

the things that hurt, and the decisions that were hard to make are ultimately the ones that can end the most beautifully.

life's boring when you know how it will turn out.

i just hope my risk yields the most beautiful photograph in all kinds of shades of gold.

its kinda bad when even the chocolate wrapper tells u the same thing everyone else says.

its apparent i think too much, i know this.

you know that stupid saying you snooze you lose. its true and it sucks. i had my chance and i didnt take it. and now im afraid ill be left with regret because i see no change on the horizon. i had my chance and i blew it. regrets? i said i dont ever have any. but this is something i could see being a huge regret. and now i cant do anything even if i wanted to.

story of my life. i always back myself into corners.

do what u can with what u have where you are. maybe this isnt over yet.

ever feel like God's trying to tell u no? the timing's off, things happen, circumstances change.

true love waits.

what does that mean?

does it mean that true love waits on you? does it mean that true love waits out the circumstances until things are better? does it mean that true love doesn't happen until its own time? would i be so far-fetched to say that somewhere deep dark in my mind's fantasy world i hope to be walking the streets of new york and bump into the succesful tall dark and handsome musician i used to know all those years ago. am i just naive and weird for thinking that? maybe not. this is my life. it goes how i want it to. possibilites...endless. this year has shown me that. if you told me that a year from now i would be out of school on a tour bus rolling around the country following some band around and photojournaling at all, id think you were crazy...then id step back and say u know what this is my life and im driving now. whatever i want is what i get, nothing more nothing less.

i reserve the right to change my mind. but you never know, i may just get that loft in new york. and we may bump into each other on the street. you just NEVER KNOW.

i dont want to live in a generation that breeds and lives off of apathy anymore.

i think its time we all realized that we are responsible for our fates. life isnt something that happens to you, its something you do. i dont want to roll over and play dead and let things happen to me just because they "have to" they dont have to, nothing has to. its all up to how i make it.

which leads me to ask myself why things are how they are with me. i can walk all over and be mean and say no all day long to the people i really care about, but the strangers? oh no, you have to be polite to them. which basically means i get myself into situations i dont want to be in. and then i feel used and bad. i think i've decided that for the most part, im just another conquest. a good idea at the time. funny how things end up. i dont know whats a lie and whats just being nice anymore. i was never good at reading into things.

i have a feeling this is gonna be a long entry and that is because i have quite a bit of time to kill before i have to get ready for dinner out with kelley and because i have quite a bit on my mind. several of my friends are leaving on long trips which will put them arriving back in roswell early to mid august, basically meaning that after they leave its all over. guess what guys, i dont get to go to uga and be with all my friends and fall slowly out of touch. im going to have to snap the chord of a blunt and final goodbye. i dont get the luxury of familiarity where im going, and right now thats killing me. in the wee early hours of wednesday morning, i began to think in that tired state of mind youre in at 4 am, and i realized for real how im going to have to say goodbye to all these people. then i did what i never wanted to do. i thought about that final time, going over to everyones' houses and amongst the boxes and bags saying goodbye one last time, reccounting memories and hopefully conveying how much they truly have meant to me all these years. i thought specifically of this with my four closest friends: robo, sufs, amanda, and kelley. i cried myself to sleep. that is going to be so hard. to know that years and years of just being together are summed up and closed in one moment is unfathomable to me. but i hope to convey to everyone i care about how much they have meant to me and the impact they have had on my life before they go.

it has been said that art imitates life and i believe it. music is so hugely reminiscent of the day to day occurences in my life and it has the ability to bring me back to places i would have otherwise forgotten. so in an effort to show love i would like to show the complete progression of a special relationship i have had through song lyrics. it is amazing how the music u listen to can correlate so exactly to your experiences. and far as who this goes out to, that person knows. *puts hand over mouth*

11.2005
'I want you to love me, he whispers, unable to speak.
And he wonders aloud why feelings so strong make the body so weak."- green and gray, nickel creek

"I wanna live life, never be cruel,

I wanna live life, be good to you.

I wanna fly, never come down,

And live my life,

And have friends around."

-we never change, coldplay

"If I were a painter
I would paint my reverie
If that's the only way for you to be with me

We'd be there together
Just like we used to be
Underneath the swirling skies for all to see "

-painter song, norah jones

" She's reformed.
She took the family car.
She's getting high.
She's never slipped so far.

It's the best thing she's ever had."

-the best thing, ivy

12.2005

"I used to be the one saw
Crying alone to sad songs
But then we go and hit the wall
When nothings changed, nothing's wrong
It's not the perfect hand
But I dont hit on nineteen

And I don't need another kind of green to know
I'm on the right side
I'm on the right side with you"

-another kind of green, john mayer trio
"Please, remember me
Seldomly
In the car behind the carnival
My hand between your knees
You turn from me
And said 'The trapeze act was wonderful
But never meant to last'
The clown that passed
Saw me just come up with anger
When it filled with circus dogs
The parking lot
Had an element of danger"
-the trapeze swinger, iron and wine

"and true love waits
in haunted attics
and true love lives
on lollipops and crisps

just don't leave
don't leave"

-true love waits, radiohead

"My heart is yours,
It's you that I hold on to,
That's what I do,
And I know I was wrong,
But I won't let you down,
(Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah I will, yes I will:)

I say "oh,"
I cry "oh."

Yeah I saw sparks"
-sparks, coldplay

1.2006


"This is the moment that you know that you told her that you loved her but you don't

You touched her skin and then you think that she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me.

Yeah she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me...

All I see are dark gray clouds in the distance moving closer with every hour

So when you'd ask Is something wrong?

I'd think, You're damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now! No we can't talk about it now.



So one last touch and then you'll go and we'll pretend it meant something so much more

But it was vile and it was cheap and you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me

Yeah, you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me."
-tiny vessels, death cab for cutie


"One of these days

You'll miss your train, and come stay with me

It's always say goodnight and go

We'll have drinks and talk about things

And any excuse to stay awake with you

You'd sleep here, I'd sleep there

But then the heating may be down again

At my convenience

We'd be good, we'd be great together

Go



Why'd you have to be so cute

It's impossible to ignore you

Must you make me laugh so much

It's bad enough we get along so well

Say goodnight and go"
Goodnight and Go- Imogen Heap

2.2006

"Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)

To say you're the only one breaking me down like this

You're the only one I would take a shot on

Keep me hanging on so contagiously"

-so contagiously, acceptance

"And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men
Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides
Like brothers on a hotel bed "
-brothers on a hotel bed, death cab for cutie

3.2006

"Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care."

-goodbye my lover, james blunt

4.2006

"There are names across the sea
Only now I do believe

Sometimes when the window’s closed
You sit and think of me

But she’ll mend his tattered clothes
And they’ll kiss as if they know

A baby lives in all of us
So scared to be alone"

-our endless numbered days, iron and wine

"And all our sins
Come back to haunt us in the end
To hang around
To tap us on the shoulder
And smile silent
Its all implied you’ll die tryin
So to live this down
You might as well forget it"

-mistakes we knew we were making, staylight run

"

It takes no time to fall in love

But it takes you years to know what love is

And it takes some fears to make you trust

It takes those tears to make it rust

It takes the dust to have it polished



Ha la la la la la la life is wonderful"

-life is wonderful, jason mraz

"Do you believe

In what you see

Motionless wheel

Nothing is real

Wasting my time

In the waiting line

Do you believe in

What you see"

-in the waiting line, zero 7



"You and me

Meant to be

Immutable

Impossible

It's destiny

Pure lunacy

Incalculable

Insufferable

But for the last time

You're everything that I want and ask for

You're all that I'd dreamed

Who wouldn't be the one you love


Who wouldn't stand inside your love"

-stand inside your love, smashing pumkins

5.2006

"God bless the daylight, the sugary smell of springtime
Remembering when you were mine
In a still suburban town

When every thursday i'd break those mountain passes
And you'd skip your early classes
And we'd learn how our bodies worked.

God damn the black night with all it's foul temptation
I become what i always hated
When i was with you then

We looked like giants in the back of my grey subcompact
Fumbling to make contact
As the others slept inside"
-we looked like giants, death cab for cutie


"what hurts the most
is being so close
and having so much to say
and watching you walk away
and never knowing
what could've been
and not seeing that loving you
is what i was trying to do."
-what hurts the most, rascall flatts

"There's really no way to reach me (x3)
'Cause I'm already gone

Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again
Straighten this whole thing out
Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy
This is the distance
And this is my game face

There's really no way to reach me (x2)
Is there really no way to reach me?
Am I already...

So this is your maverick
This is Vienna"
-vienna, the fray

"Garden wall of eden
Full of spiderbites and all your lovers
We were

We were born to fuck each other
One way or another

But i'll only lie
Down by the waterside at night"

-evening on the ground, iron and wine

"But what you've done here

Is put yourself between a bullet and a target

And it won't be long before

You're pulling yourself away "
-bullet and a target, citizen cope



Sailin' away on the crest of a wave

It's like magic

Rollin' and ridin' and slippin' & slidin'

It's magic


And you, and your sweet desire,

You took me, higher and higher

It's a livin' thing,

It's a terrible thing to lose

It's a given thing

What a terrible thing to lose.

-livin thing, elo


well im sure no one actually read that or really cares but looking back on those lyrics really just brings everything
about this year back like im sitting there all over again. this goes out to the one i love. my life has been changed
because of his presence there and i wouldnt have it any other way. some people just never cease to amaze you more
you could ever have expected. if i died today i could die knowing i have been loved. some would disagree when told
specifics of the situation but to that i say this: it has taken me actually going through it myself to realize,
but it is possible to have true love in the nontraditional sense. just because lies occurred before and because youre
not the only one, that doesnt mean you should invalidate all feelings the other person has expressed. sometimes its
just bad timing. sometimes things dont always work quite the way the world thinks they should. but the world isnt
right and love can exist in many forms in many ways. so to the one i love, thank you. you will never know how
much you mean to me.

guys are fun. i should get some. until then i think these guys will let me stick around from time to time.

lets see today during pictures i broke an expensive flash bulb, electrecuted myself, and jammed a tripod onto my hand. but hopefully we got the shot. theres a lot of pressure when youre photographing stuff for other people, and i know these images are going to go somewhere. chameleon is the only band who has seriously and repeatedly persued me for photography and they have been very good to me. they are extremely talented, nice, funny and pretty much awesome in all kinds of ways. as they move on to uga they plan on persuing a record deal, and i hope that success finds them because they deserve it. and heck, maybe i can sell these pics on ebay or something. so thanks to u guys for helping me out, and being pretty awesome in the process. lets do it again sometime : )

haha. angie truth #1: every girl should have at least one pair of shoes that she feels slutty in. with these little lovelies, i can feel whorish anytime i like for the peachy keen price of only 7 dollars! now thats exciting news! girls are so weird about shoes. and i think it really is because shoe sizes dont change as quickly and easily as dress and pant sizes. no matter what kind of body day youre having (ex: i feel like a cow right now) you know those shoes will fit and you will feel sexy, at least from the ankles down.

not much is going on in my life right now, just avoiding the stuff i actually should be doing, going to the studio, getting insessent text messages from Belton, warding off the idea of getting a tattoo, buying too many shoes. however i am super super excited for tomorrow night. im taking band pictures at the studio after hours which means (hopefully) no one will be there to bother me or look over my shoulder, and these guys have given me a lot of creative freedom which is great and i think theyre actually pretty excited about it too. i hope that i can do a good job for them, i always get performance anxiety (haha) when i photograph things that are important or am doing things for people who have high expectations and do know a little bit about what theyre talking about when it comes to photography.

angie truth #2: everytime you think to yourself: "im not that kind of girl" think again. you are.

the dangers of vchat: screen capture.

im gonna miss all u roswellites and im just starting to realize how much i will. its weird b/c i think im finally seeing that, lets be honest, my friendships are ending here. at least as i know them today. im leaving 18 years of structure and a well worn path to go off into a rehlm of literally endless possibilities, and for once i control my destiny. and lets be honest, if you know me, you know that me being in control of myself is probably a bad idea.

i have a feeling we've all got a lot of learning to do and im not just talking about college junk. im talking about how i need to learn how to iron better and how to have a fair relationship and how to cook something other than a grilled cheese and how to manage my life.

i thnk ill go swimming again today. i went the other day after spinning. i only swam a 500 and my arms burned like hell the whole way through. funny how i used to eat those things for breakfast and now i can barely even make it twenty laps without need of intensive medical care. the sadness of my boday.

"they love to tell you stay inside the lines,
but something's better on the other side"

so im thinking this is what i want to look like. i need to learn to embrace the paleness of being a redhead because girls like this prove it can be hot. hmm maybe a pre-college makeover is in order. haha.

oh goodness, this is so perverted of me, but some days you just have to laugh at sexual references and go with it. these are images from a contest held by the B3TA site, which is a graphic design site. in the contest people submitted logos they saw wherever that had hidden, unintended penis references in it. why is male anatomy so funny? we were talking about that the other night. i mean, girls naked are pretty atttractive, but sorry boys, we arent magnetically enthralled by your prized jewels. haha, but that doesnt mean we are repulsed either so dont u worry. haha what do i know about this?

so i decided something else. you know how they say you can never truly know a person because we all have secrets that we keep and you can never truly know everything that goes on inside a person? well this is a true thing, a thing that i have accepted as true for the people in my life, and therefore inversely have found it to ring true in my life. so folks, despite the fact that i pour my soul out to you almost nightly on this blog thing, you will never truly know all of me. so if i accept the fact that we all have at least some secrets and that is how it always will be and there is nothing anyone can do about it, then i say this: if youre gonna have secrets, at least make them interesting. i want to be the girl whose been the places and experienced the things that many wouldnt associate with her. hey, if your life isnt a public show, make it something people would pay to see. make it scandalous. and most importantly, make it saucy.

smooches.

i know yall have missed me writing, its been what like a few days? haha well theres not too much to say, today i was in that kind of summer funk you get into somewhere in july where you may be busy but you dont have anything going on. you have nothing to talk about and nothing to do. i hate that feeling.

the photographer has left the building.

ive got so many photographic projects going on its insane. i just hope i dont run out of steam, which i already quickly feel myself doing.

meanwhile after consuming about 5 million calories last night, we looked back on some old photos. my how things change. my group of friends isnt remotely the same anymore. i have gained weight. and does anyone remember when adam and katherine went to homecoming together? just goes to show you that life is full of change and you cant ever count completely on any kind of constancy. who knows who im going to be in a year, or heck, even a month.

meanwhile, im in a blur of plans for modeling and such. im going straight up goth urban vintage chick this time. its gonna be awesome i cant wait.

oh yeah,

i am angies raging hormones.

<3

here's to girls who dont know how to deal with guys and guys who sure dont know how to deal with girls.

why are we all running around so lost and confused when really we both have similar goals in mind? everyone just wants to be someone to someone and to have someone to be something with, if that makes any sense.

but here's what i found after sitting in a dark cul-de-sac with licks and heather for about an hour or something like that. girls just want/need a guy who will take a little charge of things. who will not cling but not be too distant. who isnt afraid to make the first move, but isnt all over you all the time inappropriately.

and as far as us girls go, we are often clueless. we are unsure of how to act around you, we often feel vulnerable and therefore we dont let our true feelings be shown, leaving you very confused and unsure of what you should do next or how you should act around us. we think youre being cold and wishy washy, when maybe in reality we're the ones to blame.

its like is said. we have such a common goal its a wonder we cant just get along.

so this one goes out to the one i love:

im bad with showing myself but you dont know the half of what goes on inside my head. i wish there was a way to show you that, maybe im too worried about being vulnerable, which is stupid because i have no reason to feel like im going to get hurt or that i should be cautious for any reason, i dont know. its my own stupid rationale and defense. but i care. i care in every way.

and im just a girl who feels the whole world and cant show it.

im a work in progress.

because art people are awesome and procrastinate in the most fabulous way, i am still getting some cool graduation presents here and there from my art friends. from beth tarkington, i got a book of famous poem called "Desiderata" by Max Ehrmann. The last few stanzas are absolutely beautiful and i may even go so far as to say they depict how i feel about life as a whole in one of the most accurate ways i have ever witnessed

"You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars
you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive him to be.

And whatever you labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world."

indeed.

$1,275.94

this is how much money i have made this summer to date. subtract the opportunity cost of a social life and it doesnt leave much. i'm hearing jeremy's photographic cadence in my sleep (no joke it happened), i'm hanging out with these people outside of the studio. this is scaring me.

and i think ive finally done it.

i think the people who said they would always put up with my shit no matter what are finally just too tired of my shit and arent putting up with it anymore. and good for them geez, im annoying as hell to live with i dont really blame them.

it is also quite possible that i have too much on my plate. i have one summer to do everything i need and want to do here, and i have always had kind of a crash and burn attitude about my life...just go and go until you cant anymore, this is the key to success. unfortunately you get pretty tired after awhile, and that is why i am deliriously typing who knows what on this blog right now.

so i guess before i switch topics i will say a few things to my friends:
-sorry the camera is my life right now, feel free to interupt me at any time, it would really be okay with me
-sorry for being moody or seeming like i dont care, i really really do, in fact in my own twisted weird way it may mean that i care more about you somehow. dont ask me to explain, cause i cant, i would suggest going with it.
-i am currently in the process of recognizing how narcisistic (sp?) i am and am attempting to correct this horrible condition.
-im still in love and theres no one else and right now i dont really want there to be, and he probably has no idea b/c im horrible at showing my heart and generally being a loving or even nice individual.

onward, now that thats settled.

last night was cool. it was random and people asked questions. but maybe they just need to calm down and stop being so dang practical all the time. sitting around the camp fire in a wind storm swapping battle scar stories with sidik and jordan= a pretty good time, we should do it again. this time without the catch phrase gang.

these types of things are what the last summer of your life should be made of : )