ok you know the scene. why do they always do this to us?

im in the mall today (aka angies commercial hell) listlessly shopping for a million different bday presents and theyve got this mad crazy poor excuse for r and b music playing in the store. of course half the shoppers are middle aged moms and the other half are prudes like me. the song continues and eventually it gets past the point of sexual inuendo straight into the heavy breathing. heavy breathing leads to some moaning, pretty soon all the shopppers are avoiding eye contact and wondering why the hell it is neccesary to keep the "background music" so loud. before we know it, our female superstar is wailing her way through talking about her man inside her and yelling her name. shoppers quickly shuffle through racks, is it hot in here?

the shoppers leave the store secretly turned on and ashamed at feeling this way.

this is what retail hell can do to u.

dont let this happen.

request elevator music, its better for the soul.

the cure for the common summer day: pull out your "vintage" wardrobe, head on over to alex' jud my bud's house and take some pictures! today was a lot of fun. im going to miss my jr amigos a lot next year. these girls are so cool because theyre not afraid to have a good time and just be silly. i think thats a quality i may have lost a long time ago, so when i see it in others i find it extremely valuable.

i took individual pictures of all three girls today, but i only posted the one of alex here for a few reasons. one being that i typically only upload about three to five pictures at a time and really only felt like waiting for three to go. two being that i know that amongst my readers there is quite a fan base for alex. her hotness overshadows any other material found on this page, and i must applaud her for her ability to do so, all the while not realizing it.

i'd like to present this news flash, brought to you by oxyclean:

alex, everyone wants to do you and you have no idea.

now back to our regularly scheduled program.

haha love you alex. here's to roxy, late night v chats, kids combo at taco mac, getting lost in chamblee, victorias secret push up bras, and being the closet crackwhores we all may be.

Tap on my window knock on my door

I want to make you feel beautiful

I know I tend to get insecure

It doesn't matter anymore



It's not always rainbows and butterflies

It's compromise that moves us along

My heart is full and my door's always open

You can come anytime you want



I don't mind spending everyday

Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Look for the girl with the broken smile

Ask her if she wants to stay awhile

And she will be loved

She will be loved

alex jud is my bud and she has inspired the topic of today's entry and i dont know why the font changed but im sure we can all deal with it at least for today. dont worry kids normalcy will return asap.

some people have issues with putting too much energy and devotion into relationships. ie: me and my bud the skater over here. its something ive realized and its sucks because you are constantly setting yourself up for dissapointment and hurt because what exists means so much more to you than the other person and most of the time they dont even know it. and then youre left with the ashes and the heartache because you really did care as much as you said you did. the highs are beautifully high, there's truly nothing better. but man, the fall down sure hurts like hell.

its not only possible, i think its highly probable that im obsessive. i have to be. no normal person would think about a loved one this much or focus so much energy on one person. but it kills me inside when the other is unhappy, and when the other frustrated i am doubly so. the other will never know or truly understand these things because the other will understandibly dismiss these feelings as feelings that come from a little naiive girl with little experience in the game of love.

but the truth is if im in this i wanna do it right. i wanna do it big. i wanna feel everything even the tough stuff. without the bad there is no good.

my lovely figure skating companion, we're going to be ok. we will live lives full of emotions and feelings that go deeper than most people could imagine. but one of these days we'll figure it out and it will be beautiful.

<3>
I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
This seems real to me

You love me but you dont know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just Let me go...
Let me go

its been one of those weekends.

last night i stood in a dress and heels on peachtree street in the pouring rain and lightning. and i thought to myself, "today is just a good for nothing day."

i'm so sad cause i'm so confused cause i dont really know what i want anymore.

everything i know is slipping away slowly but surely and even if it isnt i know it will eventually. im looking for comfort and familiarity but im a different person now than i used to be. can i still find solace in the people and things i used to hold so dearly? and will those people and things even come back to me after all this time and how i've been and who i've become.

everybody is looking for something.

these things happen but then i get a random IM from Caitlyn or Yousuf asks me whats up and thats when i remember my definition of a true friend:
i think friends are the people who love you for who you are. unfortunately most of us spend a large portion of our time being or trying to be someone we are not. we lose ourselves in a mirage of a person that we wish we were or a relationship that changes us as a person. but friends are the ones who accept you when that mirage dissapates and you come back to yourself. friends dont love you any other way than when you are who you are. and thats why you love them back, because they will accept you when you dont have the false exterior, when you dont have the newfangled social outlook, when you are a mess inside and out. i am truly and idiot sometimes. i walked out of the house once to go to the mailbox (in november mind you) with no pants on...and did not realize it until i got to the mailbox. i am a photoshop nerd and a computer geek. i put out for asians and am a closet crackwhore. my life mascot is a whale named gus. i like to watch degrassi. if you ask me to tell you something about me i will always give way too much detail. i complain a lot. im moody. im obsessive compulsive. my friends know all these things and more, and they still care. why do they care? because they are true friends. and like it or not, these crazy aspects are a part of me, i sh they still love it anyway, because thats the true me. i should be way more grateful for having these people walk beside me on a daily basis because lets be honest, im a confused little girl. i've done my share of straying from myself in hopes of finding something better. i think too much and wonder about my life on a daily basis. my friends aren't the ones who help me see the light at the end of the tunnel, theyre the ones standing right next to the light, waiting for me to come back to myself.

i suppose thats enough emo ranting for one day. bon apetit.

just got back from orientation.

little did i realize UT is the UGA of Tennessee and therefore everyone local goes there and already has a strong base of friends. the result: angie is gonna have a tough time making some friends. i just get so tired of all the small talk and surface skimming conversation after awhile. eventually i just kinda gave up trying to be social: i dont plan on meeting my new best friend at orientation and since i am for the next year locked in the "virgin vault" im sure as hell not going to find any potential roomates.

i hate beginnings. they are frustrating and uncomfortable and you know all along that you aren't in the place you need to be. youre in the awkward phase of in between that gets you to the place you want to be.

this is a scary prospect.

but even scarier was the period of about 18 hours yesterday in which i thought there was no photography program at UT. i know this doesnt make sense, but they do not advertise these classes. apparently the program is very exclusive and prestigious and thats why its not advertised. people who want to get in have to be reviewed first. this worries me. but that is a worry for next year.

it seems like each new day brings about new feelings about my future, and present, career as a photographer. i am constantly doubting my abilities and then building my confidence back up just to have something else bring it down again.

but thats the way we get by.

angie's advice for the day:
this one goes out more specifically to the male readers, but i suppose it could apply to females too:
keep your anatomy and appendages out of all orfaces of others at all times. if you dont, youre just asking for trouble. have a blessed day! : )

i cant wait for college and here is why:
i believe that some of the random, unexplainable scenarios i have found myself in in the past year. the rediculous times that just make you laugh at the shear irony of the situation, will pale in comparison to those in college.

however, until then, i can bask in the crazy stuff that happens today.

for instance, when i find myself in a steak and shake in cumming i never thought i'd return to, wolfing down a chicken melt, fries, and a shake, sitting with a girl who is recounting the time (or was it times?) that she drove around sketchy and possibly homeless men in hopes of getting some pot while the man (or was it men?) got robbed on the street, with a rotting apple in my purse, as it lightnings outside, and jordan draws a yellow sun on his menu with a crayon.

if this is ordinary i must say life is pretty awesome.

unfortunately i miss my friends dearly. ive been running around with all my jobs and taking independent pictures so much lately i havent seen any of them. i miss my artner a lot too. but the best thing is my true friends will always be around whenever i decide to get out of lalacrazyland and join them again.

good times.

its a living thing
its a terrible thing to lose
its a giving thing
what a terrible thing to lose

happy father's day to all. i think all of my readers are around my age, and only a handful of which are male, but if there are any fathers to illegitimate high school babies out there, i hope you are enjoying your day of paternal jubilation to its fullest extent.

tonight im thinkin about life. whats my life like? well, to sum it up i'd say my life is an f-ed up menagerie of seemingly meaningless events that i some how put together with symbolic meaning and call it a purposeful existence. oh yeah, and im a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen for several different people out there in the world.

i have learned that life is just sooo funny. often circumstances arise and such and you just have to laugh. between murphy's law, irony, bad luck, and heartache, all the bases are pretty much covered for a good story line that is your life. sometimes you find yourself in a situation and you think to yourself, "how in God's name did i get here?" but thats just the thing. its the stupid stuff, the stuff that didnt make sense at the time, the things you did that you didnt know why you did them, the mistakes you knew you were making, the times you went out on a limb, those things are in the end the sweet moments. those are the things that lead to the things that everyone else can look at and see that your life has meaning and purpose, but ultimately, its those meaningless insane situations that you yourself look at and think "this is life."

hmm sad attempt at being deep. i hope you get what i mean, cause i sure do : )
now for angie's top five playlist

5. New Slang-The Shins
4. Bullet and a Target-Citizen Cope
3. I Write Sins Not Tragedies-Panic! At the Disco
2. Livin Thing-ELO
1. Dani California-Red Hot Chili Peppers

due to insanely slow and weird internet, i cant put a picture up today. but i promise i had one! i know the thousands of readers are very upset about this.

hmm so what to say today. i have been working my tail off and will continue to do so until tuesday. 9 hour wedding today, working a full shift at magnolias tomorrow, and an all-day mansion shoot on monday. its pretty bad when i consider the prospect of going to college orientation a relaxing vacation. oh well, things will slow down soon enough. but the one thing i can say is that the money is definitely rolling in : )

the summer doldrums are soaking in and im not feeling particularly philisophical today, but id like to take a moment for a short little rant.

MEN pay attention to this one:
dont ever grab a girl you dont know anywhere on her body. its just not nice and if she's an angry or violent or easily offended person, you could be in for major trouble. fortunately i suppose, i am not one of those people who will freak out about this kind of thing, but only because i dont want to cause a scene. long story short, hands off. making inappropriate passes on someone you dont know is not cool.

ok that was my bitch fest for today, hope that will tide you over till next entry : )

california rest in peace.

and now at 11:35 PM on a thursday night i feel like jamming out to that song like nobody's business, despite the fact that im tired as chyarn right now.

is it possible to become majorly changed as a person as quickly as i think you can? i feel different this week than i did two weeks ago, i swear. maybe no one would ever know, but i do.

a few of my favorite things recently (believe me, there's more where this came from):

+radiohead (loved em before, and now even more so)
+gap underwear
+sex (as in the dessert, ah as in with chocolate and whipped cream, aahh thats bad too, oh well think what you want to think you perves)
+my new reflector
+bargain city
+fight club
+tingly minty lip gloss from bath and body works
+the squid and the whale
+jordan moscowitz
+meaningful conversation with a close friend (course i always loved that)

its 9:43 on a muggy wednesday night in suburbia during the last summer of your life, do you know where your heart is?

i think i finally found mine.

its over im better now and now its game on. time to move on with my life cause Lord knows i've missed out on a few things because of my ADDness and inability to focus on what's truly important at times.

each day little things lead to little realizations that make me all the more aware that in 2 months im out of here and then who the hell knows where i go after that. i can be anything i want to be and although this is prospect is an amazing one, it scares the hell out of me.

like today im driving to alex's bday party and almost start crying because i realize my relationship with all my friends as i know it is about to be over. this is an obvious fact, but there are certain things in life you cant just know, you have to understand, to truly get the depth and severity of the matter.

i have come to another realization. (as i often do, i suppose, im just too emo and deep thinking like that...im like your own little redheaded ghandi if you will) at some time in your life, you reach a point where you know everything there is to know. you understand the consequences of your actions, life lessons, etc. people always say that personal experiences have taught them what they need to know about life, but this is false. we already know everything we need to know as far as our selves are concerned. we know fully well how certain relationships will affect us, or how our actions will affect others, or all those other cause and effect things of life. but we lie to ourselves. we say this time is different or this person is different or i can turn this situation around even when we know its all falsities. we lie to ourselves and we do it anyway. we spite ourselves. and after the fact, after we've hurt ourselves and tortured ourselves with heartache and jealousy and bitterness and harsh words and emotional baggage, after we've drug ourselves through the mud enough to really get dirty, we then realize that we were right. we knew how this would end up all along, but we sacrifice ourselves for that little hope, that false optimism, that tells us we can make it different. so as far as gaining experience with the world and with people and all that jazz is concerned, you don't need it. you already know all that you will ever need to know. the challenge is truly understanding when to listen to that voice inside your head. cause in the end its the voice that really knows all. we just like to rebell and ignore it.

"you'll never truly find the answer until you immerse yourself in the question"

my parents come home tomorrow. kinda sad. it was nice having my own whorehouse for awhile. it made me popular and stuff. but now my friends, you and your significant others will just have to find a more significant place to get it on, cause the folks are coming home. i think every child, before they actually fly the coop, should have the opportunity to run their own show for a week or two. during the past week my life has been like a little movie, quite a comedic one at that. with its sweet and meaningful and suspensful moments at that. plus lots of sex, but not too much violence or drug use, just lots of drug refernces.

if my life was a movie would anyone watch it?

apparently a few would, cause on average 7-11 people visit this site on a daily basis with peak traffic between 10pm and 1 am everyday. im excited, thanks for watching the angie show. the unrated dvd will be out in a few months, when the people i'd really like to tell you about and how they played a role in my story no longer care for me or remember me so i can be totally candid.

haha just kidding. no really. im kidding.

lets play 4 truths and a lie (you spot the thing thats a lie, you win!)

[things that happened while my parents were gone]

1. lots of sex sex sex
2. guy-girl action in at least three rooms of my house
3. myspace sex with someone from oregon
4. booty call from my boss
5. kelley and i got tatoos (no i wont show it to you unless you give me something)

oh man its too late to be writing a blog. dont yall get bored with this junk i talk about, all 7-11 of you? well either way, thanks for visiting my life for a little while, i hope you all feel more normal because of it : )

you know something that really sucks that you wouldn't neccesarily think about when recounting sucky things? an empty bed. im sorry but it is my experience that someone to hold you and cuddle with you is pretty much the cure for the common whatever ails your heart. but then if youre me you have to go back to sleeping with your dog, and then it just kinda sucks again, haha.

my parents have been gone since last wednesday, and they return this tomorrow. i actually have really enjoyed having the house to myself. nothing wild or crazy has been going on (unless you count the little whorehouse i had going on there for one night, that was a bad call on my part, but i guess im just the best friend ever). i just like having people, as in whoever, come and go when they please and it has been nice to not have to have anyone to answer to about that kind of thing. gives me a taste of what next year will be like, and i like it. oh wait, i have A visitation which means i'm not even allowed to think about having visitors, haha. oh well it has been fun.

so its the end of an era. friendships are changing, the way i view certain people is changing, i'm changing. life is moving so fast, and i often feel alone on this ride, but in the end i know i've always got people behind me, and new ones waiting in the wings ahead.

Friends who ask the tough questions are the best.

Meanwhile. Everything is collapsing. In the most beautiful way. The whole beauty in chaos thing if you will. Each day brings a new piece of mind and eventually I think I will get to a place where I am completely comfortable where I am in my life and who I am. I say things are okay a lot these days, but in truth im still not completely settled in the way things have played out. These things take time you know.

I looked around last night at the manhunt. A bunch of sketchy teenagers at the rec at 11 pm on a Friday night. Bodies laying in the grass painted with the melancholy orange light from the streetlights that always reminds me of how sad it is when parking lots are empty at night and you realize how empty the world and life itself really is without people to love and make your life interesting waiting for the next round of grown up hide and seek. And last night I really saw that we really are parting ways in a few months. We all know it. we dont talk about it. we just go forward. And we hope that one day well look back on this all and remember it fondly and probably paint in our own little daydreams of things that never happened and it will seem better than it really was. But it wont ever be the same. The responsibilities will be there and we will have to sit in offices and play grown up and have business ethics and possibly lose the little extras that make the core of us even better in the daily grind of it all.

Pack your things my dear its time to move on.

I just keep thinking: this is the best day of your life. The end of the beginning and the beginning of the end all at once. Anything is possible. Never say never.


[ANGIE’S PERROGATIVE (IN CASE YOU CARE)]
Friends who ask the tough questions are the best. Sam has a good grasp on the world as he sees it. so what about me? You asked for it:

The relationships you have with other people are essentially what keep you going. Human interaction is essential to happiness and fulfillment in life. If you close yourself off to others you close yourself off to a world of opportunity to learn how to be a better person, for each of us can learn infinite things from other individuals. Everyone has plenty to teach and plenty to learn. Every relationship I have I hope it to leave me changed in some way, because change arises from learning more about who you are and who you want to be.

Love is a type of relationship based on complete and utter acceptance and adoration for another. It is unconditional and true. However, love is based highly upon putting all your trust in another person and laying extremely personal emotions out on the table, and for the most part in the world, people cannot be trusted enough to handle these emotions with care, and in the end pain ensues. There are rare exceptions to this occurrence in which both parties have an unshakable connection with one another that transcends all conflict: this is true love, and some people never find it in there whole life. I would like to believe that ushy gooshy romantic love exists in the real world. But it almost seems as though you cant have romance if you want a relationship that is true and healthy. Perhaps this occurs in cases, I dont think I have enough experience (ie: any) to make that judgment call.

In the end, you answer only to God and yourself. It doesnt matter what others think of you, if you are unsatisfied with your actions your conscience will get the best of you.

The best way out of hard times and heartache is self improvement. Instead of crying and waddling in past misfortunes, you must constantly seek a higher level of self so that in the end, you win no matter what.

There are two keys to success: luck and working your ass off. The more honorable of the two being the latter. The only way to be the best in all you do is to try harder than everyone else and show everyone that you are willing to put in the effort the job takes. I myself am an underdog, but I know if I show that I give a flying flatoot about what I do, I may make it to where I want to be.

Everything in moderation. If we could all learn to stop being so damn extreme and not take everything so seriously, we might all get along a little better. You dont have to agree with everything everyone says, but you must allow them to have their own opinions without belittling them or persecuting them. You cant change how others feel, only the way you treat others. Ignorance is the worst.

Things happen for a reason, and even if you dont see a reason, you can always make a pretty good one up after the fact. Anything is possible and life is always surprising. Never never never say never, it bites you in the ass every time. The second you say you would never do something or have a relationship with some person or some type of person, circumstances will change and so will you. You can never be sure about the way things are, and closing yourself off from people or experiences does nothing but harm.

I know this much is true.

it's 6:33 on a june evening in suburbia during the last summer of your life, do you know where your heart is? everytime i think i know how i feel i realize how confused i really am. i think that if i can just be a little more open to the situation right now, i think ill be set. this is how its going to be,

and in truth, this is perfect.

this is the best.

this this this is true love.

i talk a lot about love on here, but do you want to know what love really is? i kinda borrowed this one from sam but he's totally right. true love is when you die inside when the other person feels bad or is sad. its that whole "one soul dwelling in two bodies". but that's how i feel. and its wrong and its bad and its weird and its whatever but i cant change that i can only change my outlook for the situation.

and i have.

and now my outlook reads like this: 90% chance of long-term friendship, 12% chance of actual romantic relationship, 100% chance you love him, 98% chance you will be okay with the way things are right now, 15% chance he'll ever know how much this relationship means to you.

i suppose in the end the ball isnt really in my court.

baa baa baa baa
this us the sound of settling

this is alright.

well 6.6.06 is almost over and we're not all dead yet, so things are looking up. today was a day of liberation and little bit of awkwardness. here's a recap of today's events [in case you missed it]

1. took ebay pics and didnt really do a good job of doing so

2. got fired from a job i never had

3. chopped a significant portion of my hair off, then paid thirty dollars to be tortured in the worst way

4. tried to take pictures but instead incidentally hung one of my strobes from the garage door and almost electricuted myself in the process

5. went to super sketchy party?

6. went on a date with adam bailey?

7. got kicked out of sketchy party

8. went to the party in the brusters parking lot that apparently is a weekly occurence

9. said hello to number nine kasey kane

10. decided that today, the devil's day, is a changing day in my life. (or is it the devil's day really? i mean yousuf says no and what yousuf says goes so i guess not, well we'll just call it a sketchy day cause its 3 of the same number or somethig like that)

basically, i'm ready to love, i'm ready to be friends, i'm ready to take lots of pictures, i'm ready to begin saying goodbye, i'm ready to put my face out there to the world, i'm ready to rub a little of this green off of me (you know, its not easy being green), i'm ready to have my heart broken a little bit, i'm ready for a little less talk, i'm ready to move on, i'm ready to let go of inihibitions and past conflicts, and i'm ready to hold on to what is truly mine.

i'm a living breathing walking contradiction

Hey man
Evening on the ground
And there is no one else around
So you will
Blame me

Blame me for the rocks and baby bones
And broken lock on our garden

Garden wall of eden
Full of spiderbites and all your lovers
We were

We were born to fuck each other
One way or another

But i'll only lie
Down by the waterside at night

so i think its about time i got off my ass, and certainly got off this dang computer and did something with my life. i'm about to start what i am calling a "new body of work" (cause it doesnt really follow a theme so i cant neccesarily call it a series). i'm waiting on the shipment of my collapsible reflector, which i am muy excited about. (funny how much a plastic frame covered in reflective material can make me insanely happy. but i think it will really help my work so that's good.

i always get nervous when i start a new project. i'm afraid it wont live up to the expectations those participating in it and just those who follow my work have in it, but more importantly i fear it won't live up to the vision i have for it. then again it never truly does. i just have to aim, shoot, and hope a bird doesnt crap in my mouth.

i went to the doctor today. my count is now up to 90,000. certainly below the normal people level of at least 120,000. but i am doing so much better than i was. at my lowest i think i was 31,000. doc tells me there's nothing i can do short of taking roids to bring my count up. but i have to wonder if some of the changes in my life from february have attributed to this jump. i can only ponder upon the effects of the following things:
+greater social life
+less stress from school
+ 15 lb weight gain
+love

you have to wonder if any of these things could have a profound effect. we'll forget that in the past 4 months i have lost an insane amount of sleep, repeatedly experienced the emotional stress induced by heartbreak, faced a squall of social stresses, overindulged in way too much cuisine, exercised way way way less than i should, and spent much of my time and energy here on the computer.we'll forget those things.

at least for now i'm not gonna bleed everywhere.

i think.

i feel quite alone right now i have to say. i wish i had someone by my side always. but i do not. so i will just sleep it off and forget about it until some 13 year old summer league swimmer's puppy love reminds me of my fate.

ouch.

i love summer for its sponteneity. especially this part of the summer. school is too far away to be a serious possibility and truthfully anything can happen. the hot night air brings about summer love and pretty much drives me crazy. theres something just amazing about summer nights in the south. i love it. if i could sleep outside every night looking at the stars i would. except id probably get covered in crazy southern insects. maybe sleeping on a covered porch would be best. i had an amazing time this weekend with the junior girls...they are awesome! the future of roswell high is in good hands i am sure of it. and i will forever connect this weekend and these girls with the song "ms new booty" cause i dont know how many times i heard that song this weekend, geez louise. haha

so now summer is upon us. im very excited about all the possibilities. scared of the incumbant heartbreak that is sure to come. sad about knowing this is the last true summer of my life. unsure of what happens next (in many apsects of my life).

mistakes we knew we were making

ouch.

this is like a low budget movie.


my life is just one big long lunchtime convo gone completely wrong. complete with trash bitches, bad luck with bananas, oprah reruns, near hits, nasty apples, sex, blue balls, indians with syphyllus, and many other unfortunate incidents. oh sometimes you just have to laugh as you watch yourself fall.

its 5pm on a cloudy friday afternoon of the last summer of your life in suburbia usa, do u know where your heart is?

so many wishy washy emotions going on. i wish i knew where mine was. this is so much more complicated from my standpoint than it seems or than it should have to be. isnt it interesting how the actions, thoughts, and feelings of one or two individuals can have such a large and profound effect on so many others? its straight up ripple effect. right and wrong do not exist anymore. they left a long time ago.

i can't complain. someone out there loves me and i love in return. that's more than many can say. i just dont want to be secretive about it anymore. it sucks. im just being selfish though, its really not that big of a deal. until i rant and rave and make it one i suppose.

so i digress. i am off to spend the night with tacos and friends and after that im skipping town for the night to get away with some new people. next week its game on and then i dont know what else, but i need to have a clear head and new nice disposition before this all goes down. i need to stop making this so messy.

stop thinking its bad for you.