may God's love be with you...always

well things in atlanta have definitely turned around. i finally got a job and school is really picking up. i dont have too much of a say how i spend my time anymore, as my days are largely already blocked out for me. i kinda like life like this. being close to the city and its chic-ness and its opportunity is really cool. being able to see jordan almost whenever i want is even better. and i like working while im in school...im incapable of just relaxing so it makes me feel like im being productive. even though its far away, ive already begun thinking to next semester. new place, all the more to have to get used to and just something else to start over with. im excited, but at the same time im scared. as always im scared i wont be good enough or that i wont make it through. even moreso, im just scared that somehow ill lose jordan along the way.

i feel myself growing up inside more and more everyday. i feel like im seeing life and what happens after college and how you feel and how you think more and more. how you really are just a slightly altered carbon copy of your parents unless you do something about it. how comfort will land you a college degree and a dead end job at a massage parlor or a dying photography studio. i talked to jessie and she said that being home when everyone else is away at school will do that to you. ive always been an old soul, i dont need another push. she said eventually you just get "over" the whole college thing.

i dont want to be over anything, i just want to be happy. and i see that happiness doesnt follow a formula or a calendar or a recipe, it just is what it is where it is when it is. we should consider ourselves lucky if we can keep up.

lack of color.

oh my well i would be writing more in here, but every time i think about it i realize how much i dont have to say. i dont know that i could prepare myself for how difficult it would be to go back to living at home. i get along great with my parents, its not that. and fortunately for me, i happen to now for once live in the same county as my boyfriend, which is a new and good thing. but somehow despite these positive attributes, it just feels like something's missing now. perhaps a sense of responsibility for myself. here i feel much more taken care of than when i am on my own at school. my inability to find a job only adds to this feeling. even though i am going to school for twelve hours and im trying to find a job and trying to get things that otherwise just need to get done done, i think just living here in this place makes me feel lazy and unproductive somehow.

despite all this i know i am much better off now than before. if i actually really think back to what i have come from and that place where i once was i cant imagine having to do that again, i am in a much better position nowadays. i think its all shown me something else too: that the people who really love you are the ones who stick by you when things are boring. It's easy to get caught up in relationships of any kind when things are exciting and new and crazy, but what about when all there is to do is sit on the couch and sulk about it?

i consider myself lucky to have that: someone who sticks around for the good and the bad and someone who cares regardless. ive seen the other side of the coin, and im going to stick to this one.

give me a break, give me a break...

well once again it has been awhile. not that i havent had time to write, or even a lack of material. i guess its moreso about a lack of discipline to sit down and write about my state of the union.

its definitely strange being home again. it makes me feel like im in high school again, but without many of the goodness of high school (ie: all my friends, easy classes, familiarity, naivety) i go to school two days a week and attend classes that are starkingly academic from the world of art that i am used to. thus far i spend the other five days sitting on my ass in front of the television or participating in some nice slow self loathing. i listen to my ipod all the time on campus now and im currently reading the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime...finally. im making a feeble attempt at learning to sew and if i can bang out this cinched-neck shift ive got going on ill feel really proud of myself. otherwise, i spend most of the time thinking about all the things i should be doing with this vast amount of free time i have, and then convincing myself not to do them. try as i may to focus my energies on all kinds of things (getting that perfect bod at the gym, becoming a well-versed individual, drafting up new photography ideas, learning the creative suite software, sewing a dress that will never happen) at the end of the day i feel like a two year old with add trying to entertain myself.

but i cant complain. if i look back to where i cam from i realize how nice it is to be here. at least i live with people who know me well and i can talk to about anything and who wont scrutinize what i eat for its calorie content (if anything its the other way around...not enough calories) my boyfriend is a cool thirty minutes away (assuming you are not driving between 630-930am and 4-7pm) and though i have yet to pay a visit, its nice to know the gfs are only an hour and a half away as well. this alone is more comfort that i have had for the past year and a half, which is why really i cant complain.

so now i continue on my daily job search. according to my possibly inaccurate records, I have submitted resumes to 17 different companies of all kinds around the atlanta area. from that i have gotten one interview, one day-long contractor work job, three phone calls and three emails. most parties have chosen not to respond one way or the other.

i didnt spend a whole semester burning cds at a graphic design firm, or spend two summers of my life pestering people over the phone who didnt even speak english, or work my ass off through high school and up to my current time in college to be turned down for employment at hair salons.

sorry.

i spent friday doing some freelance work for a very prestigious firm in midtown. it was an awesome place and they do some highly recognizable work. but i get there and i realize that i dont really even know how to do what they want me to do. a short tutorial and some practice later and ive got it down pat, but it was so embarrassing. it just makes me wonder if im capable of doing this, and if im this doubtful then why am i even bothering with it in the first place? that situation coupled with my general lack of success in the job market, the bad review i got at the end of the semester and the basic feeling of failure that automatically comes with moving back in at home even if you dont really feel that way has made me to have absolutely no confidence in myself anymore. i dont know what im capable of, and im getting a little tired of trying. maybe ive just been overconfident all this time, but im having a little trouble picking myself up off the floor after this blow.

i need some time to figure out who i am and whats going on with me. maybe thats what this whole thing was about anyway. i need a little perspective, and some way to figure out a plan b.

however, i must give props to jordan, who, when he is quite possibly least trying to do so can make me feel better about these things by reminding me its ok to be human every now and then.


now its off to read an article entitled: how does your positionality bias your epistemology?

or maybe not.