hunger hurts but starving works, when it costs too much to love.

i could rage i could rant i could get pissed off but i just dont have it in me anymore.

every friend counts. and friends who are there for you in different ways than others count just as much as your "traditional" friends. and if people have a problem with that then fuck them.

you know what, i messed up. i did things i shouldnt have. then bragged about it. i sought redemtion in the eyes of people who cant redeem me anyway. and then i complained. i complained about the results of tough endings of relationships. i dug myself a hole and then got pissed off when they threw me in it. and im not cut out for this. ive got dreams and this is why they wont happen because i am fucked up its pretty plain and simple that all there is to it. i am incapable of stepping back for a second and not being a fucking hypocrite about it all. i wanted something bigger and better than where i came from but i cant seem to be the kind of person i need to get there. even when i try i do it wrong. i mess it up. i have always been one to stomp on the faces of those who really care about me. no i dont live my life. maybe if i knew how i would. every time i try to do something out of the ordinary i go too far. i mess it up. i do it wrong.

we all have parts of us that are ugly. we wear clothes because well for one its the socially acceptable thing to do, but also because we cover up what is biologically secretive and possibly embarrasing to us.

we all have parts of us that are ugly. and from time to time someone rips our clothes off and exposes us for what we really are.

i dont know how to deal with this. im not perfect and i hope that one day in your life youll realize you arent either. but im not going to point fingers or place blame or backlash because thats a childish thing to do. so i roll over and play dead. i take all the data into my brain and then have no idea what to do with it. you know i wish i could be the way i want to be but its a process and me crying my eyes out as i am now does not help things.

i wish my grandma was down at the beach again this winter. i should go see her. i should call her. i should talk to my parents. i havent talked to them since they left.

i wish i could go anywhere. but i cant right now. only like one week left.

im stuck i dont know hands up white flag.

i surrender.