black sheep.

first of all, before i begin this entry i would like to wish a happy one year anniversary to none other than this blog. im not sure what led to begin this thing, but i think i was inspired by jenny's bold and always entertaining literary ventures online and decided to make something of my own. a year later is had turned into a fixture in my life. i contemplated topics for entries during the day, and i almost need this thing to get me through the day. this blog is very special to me in that it is so much more than just a simple journal. its a journey in words, pictures, music and feedback from the readers and because of this, it evokes memories of the past year so much more vividly and clearly. the memories that this blog accounts are priceless to me, and i feel very fortunate to have such a detailed record of this crazy time in my life. and thank you also to all of you who have kept up with me in all my emotional frenzie throughout the last year. may we continue on for yet another year of angie goodness (and badness for that matter)

now on with the entry.



It's the same place I've been so many times before. The pink and blue tiled supershower in her grandmother's back bathroom. No one really uses it anymore since her knees gave out and everyone else got too old for baths. At 19 I find myself back in this familiar place. This room. This house. This town. Nothing really changes here, just small things. Small things like a new monitor for the computer, the old Winn Dixie closed, and someone else got robbed last week. It's really all just the same old story when you think about it. After a 15 minute struggle between the hot and cold knobs of the pink and blue tiled supershower, I reach outside for a towel just to find I didn't get one. Fuck, I hate it when I do that. After locating a towel I realize the mirrors are too fogged up for any assimilation of hair or makeup. I put the lid down and take a seat on the pink toilet to wait this out. This old house has no ventilation. I could open up the window to let the steam out, but there might be a scary black man outside in the back yard. I pop up to the window just to make sure the shutters are closed and lo and behold, there IS a scary black man outside in the back yard. Great timing Scary Black Man, I'm going to close the shutters now lest you see too much of Angie today. I wonder to myself, "who would want to live here?" It seems like everyone who is here is stuck here for one reason or another. Some bound by spouses, farming jobs, others just hoping this will be a reasonable locale to wait to die. I wonder if they ever thought it would end like this. If this, this place, this life, was all they ever wanted, or did they have greater hopes and dreams and just fell short? Is this the destiny for all of us to end up in some slow junk dead town with no hope, or is it only the fate of those who let it come to them this way? What if this is me?

I look back out the window, Scary Black Man is gone, or at least he's found himself a decent hiding spot, and the mirror is somewhat unfogging itself. I wrap my hair up in a towel, turban style, and set about to do my makeup.

Moisturizer. Don't forget Angie, this is where you come from, you can't escape that. You came from these people. You have their nose, their chin, their close-minded disposition, maybe even a little of their racism...I mean you did just automatically name the confused indidual roaming your grandmother's backyard Scary Black Man.

Concealer. I know I came from these people, but it doesn't mean I have to be like them. Sure, they have many admirable qualities. I admire their faith. I wish I had that. I need that. I've been jaded in more ways than they will understand. I'm not better than them, but I feel as though I must take control of my fate such that I do whatever it is that I want with my life, and most importantly that I don't spend my days waiting on something to happen to me, whether it be life or death.

Eye liner. How bad do you want this? How bad do you really want to change yourself?

Eye shadow. I'm realizing more and more everyday how much work I need to do on myself. I want this pretty damn bad. There are many changes I need to make to succeed.

Powder. Take it all in. All of this. The trailer parks, the crime, the small town gossip, the cotton fields, the beautiful southern starry night sky, the wisdom of your grandparents, the death of a once beautiful small American town. Take it all in. You'll need to carry all these things with you. They are a part of you and you can learn from them. Maybe you're wiser than a lot of those city folk because you know what it's like on the other side.

Hair dryer. You my dear, are the black sheep of this family. You have red hair and no one knows where it came from. You are going to school for art, who the hell does that? You wear your jeans low, and if they only knew you went out with a black boy once upon a time, oh man the shit would really hit the fan then. The kudzu growing on your family tree, that is what you are. This is not an admirable place to be, but you must do the best with what you have where you're at, and in this case, my darling, that means you must grow up to be amazing.

I look at myself in the flourescent light with the pink and blue tile as my backdrop. As I and everyone else gets older I can't help but wonder each time I find myself here in this place, how many more times I will find myself here in this place. How many more journeys I will make before her or my time comes. So what if you were to die in two years, Angie, the truth is you're not dead yet. You are not dead yet. So until they put you in the ground you fight for it. Whatever it is you want, fight for it with all you have.

Then when you die, you can say you tried. You can say you didnt sit around the slow junk dead town with no hope, waiting for life or death to happen to you, whichever comes first.

In life and death there are no guarantees, except that death is certain and life isn't. "If you don't like being here, don't put yourself in a place like this," I tell myself.

I look at myself in the flourescent light with the pink and blue tile as my backdrop, and the girl in front of me says goodbye, its time to move along.