"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."

i just saw some guy out the window take a complete nose dive into a flower bed full of bark trying to catch his dog. im actually quite jealous of this guy because although he just made a complete ass of himself, he looks like he is having the time of his life. today i went through my itunes throwing out old stuff, organizing some things and making a cd for my trip home. 1979 came on and it was like it was foreign to me. i still knew the words and the different musical components of the whole thing, but that is a song associated with a different time and a different me than the one that resides today. some may say i listen to it out of nostalgia and longing for days gone by, but i see it more as a marker of how far ive come. moving away from the shame and the fear and the belittling of myself and seeking out the things i deserve and the things i want out of life. im not a source of entertainment, im a human. i dont want to be quiet anymore. i dont want to be locked up anymore and i will never be anyone's toy again.

each time you move on from something else you take all the other things youve moved on from in the past with you. i guess thats what they call baggage. but its all a learning experience, you never forget anything, you cant afford to. otherwise we'd all make the same mistakes over and over. and then we'd just be idiots. when i go home the same things that have been around will still be there, but i will not be there. at least the girl i once was will not be there.

ive got places to go.
shit to do.
and someone to love.
that is all : )

in other news every time i think i have seen every episode of americas next top model, it continues to surprise me. i get sucked in to another 378 hours of it. as much as i love the photography i really dont know how much more of that show i can stand right now. i can hear it coming from downstairs. maybe ill watch a dvd and work on Christmas presents instead.

im seriously considering taking an early leave of absence to gtfo of here.