love lies bleeding in my hands.

give me something to believe in
cause i dont believe in you
anymore
anymore.

ive noted that the older i get, the more i learn about myself. my tendencies, my stregnths, my weaknesses, my abilities, my moods, my thought processes. the friends i make and the people i interact with (or choose not to interact with) i believe are largely based on the portrait i paint of myself. as the things i learn about myself change, the types of people and the individuals themselves that i surround myself with change in accordance. it may seem sad at the time, but the truth, i believe, is that it's all just part of the cycle of becoming the person you should be.

so im thinking about my senior girls: jenny, heather, alex, others. they are all in the same spot i was last year. i put myself back in that place and realize how much i have learned and grown in the past year.

so i tested the waters a bit. tried some things out. carried on relationships that i'll never forget, though some days i probably wish i could. in the end i believe i learned that just as much happiness can be experienced through the more steady (read: boring) relationships i have with people than the wild crazy passionate interesting ones.

i mean sure, who doesn't love to be swept of their feet by someone who turns their world upside down and shakes everything theyve ever thought about the universe into pieces? its exciting, its different, its fun and ill be the first to admit its life changing, much for the better.

but in that case the highs are so high but the lows are that much lower. there are certain things you look for: honesty, availability, accountability and theyre just not there in this kind of relationship.

then theres the slow and steady relationship. it may not be exciting or passionate or revolutionary, but above all else it is true to its core. you wont spend weeks upon weeks in ecstacy, but you also wont spend weeks upon weeks in deep depression with this relationship.

at the end of the day though some may argue this allows for little or no personal growth, i choose the slow and steady. and to those who say this hinders growth i say this to you: change must come from within. sure others are often catalysts for change in our lives, but only YOU truly know yourself and YOU know what needs to change. no one can do that for you and you shouldnt allow them to. that being said i now take complete credit for the changes made in my life and in my views, a special thanks to those who helped me along the way, but truth be told you didnt do the hard work; i did.

with the slow and steady, i feel cared for all the time not just when its convinent. with the slow and steady, honesty is the name of the game, and that feels nice. with the slow and steady,time is not spent in overdramatized arguments.

i am very thankful to all the people i have in my life who roll slow and steady.