drift.

helen sent me this picture today. this is us on the day of move in way back in august. note how gross and awkward we look. so much has changed (at least i like to think that) i think this picture email came at the perfect time to be included in my blog.

a school year has come and gone (basically, lets nevermind the fact that ive got three finals ahead of me next week and a lot of prep work for said finals that i am currently in the process of avoiding). i cant believe how fast its gone by. when i think about individual weeks at a time, longing for my next trip down 75-south, things seem to have moved very very slowly, but as a whole this has been the fastest school year yet. however i cant say im sad that it went by so quickly. freshman year is awkward and strange and takes a lot of adjusting. freshman year being over? not such a sad prospect to me. i see it as a victory that i actually made it through a whole year without jumping out my dorm room window.

i spent a lot of time by myself this year. not sure if thats a good or bad thing. i could go either way on the issue. once again, i proved to myself that im quite independent. independence can be a bad thing, shutting people out and such, but ive realized even moreso what a gift i have of not having to rely on other people for things. this ability has allowed me to grow going off to school without having other people tell me how to be or what to do. the independence has also shielded me a little bit from getting hurt. sure i got hurt my fair share, but independence can function as a defense mechanism in the right situations. this year i did some things im not proud of, maybe even lost myself a little bit, but i wonder if you ever really know who you truly are if you dont step outside yourself for a few minutes and be someone else. i appreciate my life, the GOOD people around me and myself as a person so much more because of what i allowed myself to do and who i allowed myself to be there for that little while. im not proud of it, and i can live the rest of my life without repeating it, but now i see the positive that has come out of it.

i dont know what the next few years will bring. i think back to a year ago and think about who i was and who i thought i would be and how i thought my college life would be and realize how dead wrong i was. here i sit on the first of may, 2007 a sorority girl, art student, with two good friends in college, five pounds lighter, with the high school sweetheart boyfriend. its not exactly how i pictured myself, which is what makes me question the future all that much more. if i had no idea how my life would be a year ago, how can i have any perception of how it will be in another year, two years, by graduation?

but you cant do that to yourself. its a losing battle. no one can predict the future and trying is suicidal. last night i spoke with a friend about her and her boyfriend's relationship. she had some reservations about their future. she posed some questions that i myself have thought about, but dont want to. this conversation was a little unnerving for me, a girl in a new relationship that i really want to be successful. jordan and i talked about it too and i felt better. wandering aimlessly around my house this morning the final verdict on the situation occurred to me: stop making such a big deal out of everything! with my newfound relationship as well as with my friend's relationship, we are not losing anything. we are never losing. even if it ends we dont lose a thing. and if you think of things in terms of losing, you're only setting yourself up for unneccesary worry and grief. i have not gained a boyfriend. i dont have a boyfriend, i have a new best friend. and if that should end then it will be no more than the drifting away of two friends. it is indeed sad, but its happened to me before. looking at this situation as a friendship feels so much more right, and i feel like viewing this relationship as a friendship meakes it more real and true. theres no need to worry about the future. worries about the future are always incorrect and unwarranted.

life is crazyyyyy. it hurts my brain to try and figure it out.

so maybe i should just stop trying and go with it.

seriousness is for old people and librarians.

"yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, we have only today, let us begin"
-helen keller