1/8/2006 12:35pm

You know this story:
You're driving around town and you see a possum dead on the road. Yay. Roadkill. Pretty sick. You keep driving and think to yourself "Another one bites the dust. RIP little man." Later in the day you come back to that same spot and Mr. Possum has been hit a few times more, now there's a grand display of red oozy goodness all over the pavement that makes you want to concentrate on the road ahead, but at the same time you can't help but be a spectator and steal a glance. Finally, you drive by at the end of the day, and Mr. Possum has been reduced to a sickening red stain on the pavement, dotted with pieces of broken flesh and organ. He was alive 12 hours ago, and now he is just another disgust on your commute.

I am that possum. Whenever i get hit, i don't just get hit once. I get pounded into the pavement until there's not much left to look at.

The other day i was freaking out about how i can't continue my life the way it is anymore, trying to be perfect all the time and be everything everyone wants me to be. But now i'm not so sure who i want to be anymore, and i don't know where i'm headed. i'm so confused.

When everything is a certain way and its comfortable and its good you grow it love it. And it hurts so bad to find out that it really wasn't at all what you thought it was. I wish i could go back a month and live this all over again. i would have done more. i would have gone out. i would have stopped during those grand moments and really examined them for what they were worth. i would have soaked myself in the happiness and really cherished it while it was there. i'm so emo.

i'm scared now. school starts tomorrow and this is not how i had hoped to start my second semester. i thought it was going to be so good, but now i'm so confused and i don't know where to go or what to do. i've got supportive friends all around, but until everything is okay with one friend, i'm going to feel very alone.

I want everything to be ok. I want to be ok. I don't know when the last time i was really truly fully happy was, but i want to be happy again.