1/8/2006 9:16 pm
All i see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "was something wrong?"
That i think "you're damn right there is
but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."

So one last touch
and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me

I get this sinking feeling, that i've been due for a nervous breakdown for awhile, and now my time has finally come. Not a serious one, but at the same time, this baby is not gonna be a little doozy either. My frustrations with myself and not wanting to be the perfect kid and the angie everyone expects me to be coupled with the drama mamas my friends are being and the up and down emotional roller coaster i have been on with my artner lately have begun to take their toll on me.

I remember when my grandfather died. I was in the fourth grade. Sure i was sad, and i cried just like everyone else. The whole thing was very hard on my mom b/c she was really close to her dad, so i tried to be strong for her. I remember one day a few days after it all happened, we were walking somewhere and she looked down at me and said, "you know angie, you have handled all of this very well, and you're holding up much better than i am. you are a very strong girl."
I guess i have always considered myself to be a strong person. at least outwardly. i have a lot going on inside me that most people never see because it stays neatly tucked away inside where it belongs, no need to get all messy and emotional, right? the problem with keeping it all inside is now i feel like i'm going crazy or something. and all of my thoughts on everything that's going on with me right now are getting jumbled up and it makes me unsure as to what i should be thinking anymore. i'm so scared of whatever happens next. yay second semester here i come with bells on.