and then there were three.

i would hate to be one of those kids who has to be here another month while everyone else is away. i cant describe the emptiness i have felt as one by one the people who have meant so much to me over the past few years slowly fade out into the world. i was driving today, and as i drove past the neighborhoods of friends i remembered how if i were to go to their houses they wouldnt be there anymore.

last night kelley came over. i thought it would be this long sentimental reccounting of all the memories we've had over the last seven years, but mostly we just sat and watched coyote ugly on tv and ate cake.

but thats the way its always been and theres no need to change it on the last night we have.

i felt kinda numb as i walked her to the door and we said goodbye. but then i saw a tear in her eye. kelleys eye. the eye that doesnt cry. thats what got me.

she finally went away and i shut the front door and just slid down until i was limp on the floor. so much for being numb.

she came back one more time this morning on her way to breakfast with adam. much of the same, this time she said bye to my parents. her second parents. mammy and pappy. when she left i just went upstairs and got sad for a while. i could hear my mom crying in the kitchen.

i kept thinking, there goes my best friend.

my first and only best friend mind you. the girl i met in the 6th grade right after i moved here and instantly hated. the girl that uses at least 5 hyperboles in any given sentence. the girl who is my polar opposite. the girl who can read my mind.

how can you cut off my arm and my leg and a good portion of my head and still expect me to walk around like nothing happened?

this is what it feels like to lose your friends.

this is what it feels like to be alone in suburbia.

i have never felt like this before. it is emptiness. it is sadness. it is confusion. it is loneliness in a crowd. it is numbness.

im just on go mode right now.

ps: love has the worst sense of timing.