i rent a room and i fill the spaces with wooden places to make it feel like home.

but all i feel's alone.


today was a lonely day.

it appears that maybe since im not blonde and in love with vols football, kelley clarkson, "kinny chaysney", and the color powder pink, i may not fit in as well as i had hoped.

i hate awkward transition phases.

and it would be so easy for me to just spend an immense amount of time by myself right now. i guess thats what i did today though. i got up at l1:30, which is insanely late for me. spent over an hour getting ready for the fashion show that is rush aka "fall recruitment". grabbed some absolutely delicious (not) hawaiian chicken at merrel. went to rush until 6. grabbed dinner and talked to robo on the phone. went to the libary to try to finish summer reading. called my folks. and then started writing this. im kinda stuck in this awkward place right now. if i could just go off and do the things i want to do like spend immense amounts of time reading about everything ive ever wanted to know in the library or going to the riverwalk to take pictures, then i would be just fine. but i feel like i cant or shouldnt do that b/c that would be antisocial and now is the time to be putting myself out there and meeting people and doing those things will accomplish neither of those. but the truth is, i refuse to be fake. i didnt meet the friends i had that way and i dont intend to meet the friends i will that way either.

as depressing as this all may sound, things are looking up. i had pretty much turned my back on the whole greek life thing but then today during rounds i talked to this girl in one of the chapters and she and i really clicked. they seem pretty down to earth and school-oriented but not in a dorky way. i just feel at this point if i could get in with someone like them it could be a really good easy way to make the transition here and have a strong base of friends without having to go through too many awkward pleasantries to get there.

maybe this is just a lazy easy way out.

but who knows these days im one way one day and completely opposite the other. like robyn said, check one of the journals from two summers ago that is floating around somewhere out there in space and u will find a list of angies requirements for who she dates. superimpose that with her history thus far and you will see, it is a very bad idea to say never.

i dont want to be tied down but i sure do miss some certain people.

but i am determined to make it here. i didnt take the easy way in and i knew i wasnt, but i refuse to back down.

at least for now : )