full.

i'm not afraid and i don't think its premature for me to say that im enamored.

absolutely enamored.

as if there was ever any doubt.

its this feeling, the feeling i have today that i must always keep in mind. put it in my pocket and save it for the time when i have doubts, when i feel like its not working, when i feel like its too hard, when i feel giving up.

i want to remember this day. this day and how tight i held onto everything.

baldwin lee says i need to put down the camera for ten seconds for my life and see the world without a lens, with my eyes. ive spent the past year and a half hiding behind scenarios and problems and melodramas and craziness and wild streaks and excuses and loneliness and camera lenses. when i think on these things it makes me want to cry. cry out of regret, confusion, disappointment in myself, and then cry because im free from that, cry because theres something else in life, cry because i can do better and i know this now.

so now i sit here early easter morning 2007 in the bedroom of so many nights and just as many mornings making futile attempts not to bawl. for the first time in a year and a half i feel real again. i dont feel like someone else is controlling me. i look in the mirror and i know the face staring back at me. i feel familiar to myself. i feel important. i feel worth something. i look at myself and know that i am not crazy. it has been a crazy cyle from start to finish and i cant say anyone caused anything to happen, good or bad on their own accord. i chose my reactions to the events in my life. this is my journey and no one elses.

but i just cant get over how it feels to finally feel like i know who i am. to put the excuses and the pitty party and the camera lenses and down and see myself, really see.

to feel full.