i can tell you bout the little things, so you dont think about the big things for awhile

sorry for the horrible image quality. i know that as a photographer i should do better than that, but ive got so many projects on my computer right now, no more room for pictures! these are the two latest thorns in my side, graphic survey projects. in case youre wondering hand painting these at computer-like precision does suck a nut...quite hard actually. im still trucking but the outlook is dim. practically every time i work on a project for that class i cry alligator tears. there is most certainly still hope, but knowing my lack of painting skills and craftsmanship in the area and knowing thats the only thing they judge on doesnt make me feel so warm and fuzzy about the program. its never easy to realize that a dream is fleeting. i dont know what im going to do if i dont make it. probably shed some more alligator tears, then get a good deal of flack from my parents who probably think im in athens sitting on my ass and doing mad crazy fun shit on the regular. they dont realize how sick ive made myself worrying about what the hell im going to do with my future.

i just want everyone to be happy. that includes me too in this case.

i guess i feel like this is my way in the world and theres not much else im good at. im not a stellar designer, but im decent. im not the type of person who is just full of talents, i have a few and thats it. so if this doesnt work well then...i dont know.

and not knowing is like totally the worst thing ever that you can do to a virgo.

in my heart of hearts it really wouldnt bother me all that much if i didnt get in, its more about being scared about what becomes of me if i dont that gets me. i feel like there are a good number of things ive failed at recently, major failures, id prefer not to add another to the list.

i just want everyone to be happy. ill never be satisfied so perhaps it doesnt include me in this case.

ugh here come the alligator tears.

ultimately id like to stop trying to come up with strategies and ways to fix things and instead just fix them. or not fix them. or just calm down or something.

i would really like to spend some time painting this summer. i need to play and perhaps i need to get out of photography in order to do it. id love to go back to a time when i could just play and not worry about what people thought or how it made me look or what kind of image i was portraying or who i was embarrising or what it meant or who i was. i would love to have that back.

more than i could say.

just to be able to mess around and stop judging myself so harshly. to stop feeling like everything i do fails in one way or another. to stop feeling like my thoughts and ideas are worthless. to just let it go. its hard for me to even imagine at this point how that would feel. i feel pretty worthless most days, i feel like im working but never enough, never good enough.
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I leave you with the quote i selected for my photography project. not sold on it yet since im not sure i can create the photography to go with it which is obviously the most important part. i never found a song that hit me right so i decided to go with a [long] quote from literature. if i havent blogged about this short story yet, then shame on me. im not an english buff by any means, but in my narrow experience i believe it to have one of the best opening hooks of any story ive read. i wish i had the book it came from here at school, but i dont so i can only quote from the beginning of the story and the very very end because i memorized the end haha.

"We didn't in the light; we didn't in the darkness. We didn't in the fresh cut summer grass or in the mounds of autumn leaves or the snow where moon light threw down our shadows. We didn't in your room on the canopy bed you slept in as a child, or in the backseat of your father's rusted Rambler, which smelled of the smoked chubs and kielbasa he delivered on weekends from my Uncle Vincent's meat market. We didn't in your mother's Buick Eight, where rosary twined the rearview mirror like a beaded black snake with silver cruciform fangs...We didn't..."

Story ensues for a few pages and the end:

"We didn't. We didn't. We never did."

-Stuart Dybek, We Didn't

My question is: what is more important, what you did do or what you didn't?