Speeding Cars

Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violins
just run with me through rows of speeding cars.
The papercuts the cheating lovers
The coffee's never strong enough
i know you think it's more than just bad luck

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

So I've been absent because I've spent the last few weeks in transit from one place to another. Minus the complete lack of sleep and mounds of design work for school it's been quite fun. I spent the weekend before last living out of an upscale hotel room in Atlanta and shooting all day...so basically my dream as a reality if only for two nights. I had a great time shooting and got some awesome shots that the clients loved, but more importantly than that I got to give myself a little vacay too. On Sunday night I found myself once again alone in the room. There was no one coming to stay with me or to keep me company. No internet to chat with others because that's an extra $15 and as much as I'm obsessed with the world wide web I'm also fond of my money and keeping as much of it as I can. I was starving and I had to find somewhere to eat. I spent a good twenty minutes cleaning myself up and questioning whether I should go somewhere that I knew had wifi so I could get online and occupy myself while eating alone. Or perhaps even driving back to Roswell and coercing my poor boyfriend in accompanying me to dinner. Amidst these thoughts I remember the me that ran away in 2006 and did all kinds of things along, eating being the least of these. I couldn't believe I was even second guessing whether or not I should have dinner alone. I walked to dinner, sat at a booth for two, people watched, got stared at for being young and alone, walked back to the hotel, drank some champagne, watched a movie and edited the pictures from the day. It was better than therapy. I forgot how much alone time means to me. And I don't mean alone time like running to Kroger in between classes alone. Like real time to sit and chill and remind myself of what's important.

The next week was filled with projects and stress and late late nights and no sleep as usual, then the break came. I drove through every mountain pass between Athens and Knoxville, but I made it there. Last time I was there it was weird. This time it was still a different Knoxville, but I loved it. Knoxville is just as much a place as it is the people in it to me. I got to spend the weekend with two great friends planning weddings and parties, gossiping and eating delicious food. Saturday night we went to Market Square and it has really changed but it's wonderful there now. We had some fabulous strawberry sangria and then I split from the group to go to the Imogen Heap concert. That's originally why I made the trip because she was sold out in Atlanta and I was bound and determined to see her this time around.

The concert was amazing, she does with sound what a painter does with a brush, incredible. I seriously considered trying to scalp tickets once I returned to Atlanta for her show the next day, it was that good. She played Speeding Cars which I didn't know was one of my favorites until I heard it live. I left Knoxville feeling refreshed, I need to be reminded occasionally of who I am. Part of me is up there, I had to meet up with Her for awhile.

So even though the last few weeks have mainly been comprised of finals and stressing about work stuff and school even more than usual, the weekends have been an unexpected retreat. I've let a lot of other people and circumstances get in the way of what I really want, and that makes me unhappy. It makes me cry in the middle of a cafe during a mundane semi-unrelated conversation. I feel regret. Obviously I feel a lot of regret for a lot of things over the past few years, some things out of my control and others not. But now I feel even more regret for allowing all these things to shake me and potentially continue to shake me to this day. Scurrying around like a scared child was never really part of my plan. Perhaps I'm being overdramatic, hanging onto tragedies, but I believe it really was that bad. This is my attempt at getting over it. It's time to forgive me, and use the hurt for something better than making myself feel like shit.

None of us were angels and you know I love you.