the company we keep.

i think we often forget how many other people feel the way we do. even when our situations are drastically different and we've had vastly different experiences, its not as hard as you think to find common ground. so im sitting here on the cold floor of my dorm room contemplating this prospect.

yousuf says life being simply "good" is adequate and really the best we can hope for.

ashley says i have a right to change my mind. and a right to grilled cheese sandwiches whenever i want them.

robyn says shes tired of feeling like the only one.

jordan says he misses me.

my parents say im misguided.

kelley says this whole college thing isnt all its cracked up to be.

belton says he's depressed.

my grandma says happy birthday.

i say what are you gonna do. this is my life. this is how it goes now. everything i had is gone or different and its bad and its good and its confusing and its wonderful and the long and short of it is im alone in a crowd.

but im not.

there are others.

when i hear robyn tell me shes frustrated with the way things are and she tells me about what shes thinking and feeling thats when i know that despite the way i feel 99% of the time i am not a freak. my feelings are valid and true and not so taboo that no one else on this earth feels the same way. when i think about my life past three days from now i want to scream. when i think about my relationship past tomorrow it freaks me out. when i wonder if there really is a future for me here in orange country i get scared. but thats just the thing. thats no way to live your life. there is a time and a place when you just have to say "fuck it" and go.

so you make your parents pay too much money for you to go to an out of state school you may end up hating at the risk you come back and everyone views you as the failure who tried to move on and couldnt.

you talk to the guy downstairs who's drunk all the time.

you decide that youre not going to compromise yourself no matter how much it hurts.

you drive 200 miles back home on sketchy premises just to be in his arms for a little bit.

and then we hope that it gets better and we hope it works out whatever that means and we hope that we'll be forgiven and we hope we can change and we hope we stay the same. all because we grew up and life moved on and someone forgot to tell us.

"theres a reason why, im gone and youre still there."