some days just kinda suck in general.

today it rained and this weekend despite my parents being here and having a lovely time with them i couldnt help but wish i was at home b/c all of my bitches in the burbs were at home and my parents live there too so it could have worked out nicely. i miss homecooked food and more importantly my bed. familiarity and friends. the studio.

belton just called and he is depressed. seems like everything is collapsing. everything is changing. but i think wise old belton is right in that he believes that my leaving them (at the studio) and possibly others was not an ending in a relationship with them, but rather a beginning. now that i am gone, i will really realize how cool they were and how much i loved them and how much they really meant to me. and belton is, as usual, right.

i feel very much alone here and this is mostly my fault b/c i dont put myself out there enough. but those who know me know this is not me and this is not how i am. belton says i can make lots of friends if i just act fake. he is right, but i just dont want to do that. there are some people that you surround yourself with and you just know that you could never be friends with them. its not anything personal, you just aren't each other's types. so whats the use wasting your time with people you know you will never be close to?

in other news, i think im screwed because my go to girl kelley spilled the beans to my parents this weekend and i dont think they are very happy. i dont know if this is because i just didnt tell them or because they dont like the situation in general. either way i feel like shit. i dont know what to do. i dont know how i get into these situations. there are just times when you have to follow your heart and your gut and maybe thats not always the most favorable thing to do but what are you gonna do about it?

im really ready to be comfortable in my life.

to have friends here.

to be ok with being open with my parents.

to be able to make decisions decisively.

to be ok with my decisions.

dear parents: im sorry i cant be perfect and i cant talk to you andi cant be who you want me to be but for once im just trying to go with it and live.

[sorry for the rants kids]